This is a recap for The Top 5 contestants on American Idol Season 8, theme: Rat Pack. You can see the performances here. (*Internal boo for title choice this week.)
Let’s kick this recap off with an apology… to, of all people, Jamie Foxx. I doubted Jamie’s ability to properly mentor the five remaining American Idol contestants for this week’s theme, “The Rat Pack.” But, surprisingly, Jamie delivered. Not only did he (swallowing pride points) look adorable, he was also hilarious, charming, and engaging. Though the show’s explanation for why he was there left a lot to be desired: “Like the Rat Pack, Jaime was able to transcend the boundaries of the entertainment industry.” — Ryan Searest. Weak, but we’ll blame it on the p-p-p-p-p-p-producers.
Also, WTF is Paula wearing? Did she gets lost in the Christmas aisle at McFrugal’s? On with the recap!
Kris Allen “The Way You Look Tonight”: I think Jamie Foxx put it best when he said Kris was “not trying to sing the Throat Olympics.” Mmm. Indeed. Ol’ Krooky Jaws looked good in his suit — a marked improvement from last week’s human bindle sack — but once again, Kris failed to impress me. The more I see him croon into the camera, the more he reminds me of this:
Best performance to date, eh Randy? How do you live with yourself, man? Listening to these judges, its like I’m watching Netherlander Idol or something — Kris is so f**king boring, are these judges deaf and blind? Only Simon nails it, calling it a “wet” performance, much like Kris’ crease-less exposatongue. RATING 3/10 (“oh, snap” – internal monologue.)
Allison Iraheta “Someone to Watch Over Me”: For the first time in weeks, Allison enters the Idol arena not looking like a Russian child bride purchased on the Internyet. The hair was tames, the dress was only mildly shredded — it’s an improvement. Leave it to Jamie Foxx to still sort of hit on her. This happens to be one of my favorite songs, but this wasn’t one of my favorite versions ever. For the first time, I found Allison’s voice a little annoying and strained. It reminded me of my childhood summers spent in Tel Aviv, where every night as I would fall asleep, I would listen to the sound of cats getting raped in the back alleys of Israel. Allison sounded like cat rape tonight, America. Really cute cats, but feline rape nonetheless. But I like Allison, and I want her to make it through. Who knows… maybe America will fulfill my dream and vote Kara off. RATING 6/10
Matt Giraud “My Funny Valentine”: From the very first “My” that escaped Hatty McWarterson’s lips, I said out loud, in my room, to myself: “This is the worst.” Honestly, I couldn’t even understand the words he was saying. “Sweet commie valentine”? Wait, let me rewind… He literally said “Sweet Commie Valentine”. Mmmmmlike this?:
He was worse than a sweat-lipped Matt Damon in The Talented Mr. Ripley. He sounded like a cassette tape that sat too long in a hot car and the next thing you know, it’s like, “Oh sh*t, did this tape get ‘Girauded'”, i.e. warped from the hot claw of the Devil? Paula Abdul clearly has prescription pills jammed into her earholes as she goes ahead and dubs the performance “pure and simple”. Uhh, yeah, about as pure and simple as an orangutan peeing into his own mouth. And how in the AITCH did Simon like that? Trying to defend his save from 2 weeks ago probably. RATING 4/10
Danny Gokey “Come Rain or Come Shine”: Jamie Foxx @Danny – “Your breath is fresh.” Well that’s good to know. OMG TROMBONE MAN, LOLLLLzzzzzz. This is my American Idol, Trombone Man. I swear, it was Valentino on that horn.
Gokey in a suit is a marked improvement, though it’s clear the guy uses goatee stencils. But what’s this? He’s kind of bringing it tonight, for f**king real. I can’t believe I’m about to say this… but I’m loving the Gokester tonight. Don’t go calling me a Gokaine addict just yet… but stranger things have happened. Rat Pack Gokey is a Gokey I can stand behind. “You had swag tonight” Really, Kara? He had swag? What are we talking about, like a free bottle of grey goose or a free spa weekend? Gokey AND swag? Man, this guy is really winning me over tonight. But in all honesty, I can’t deny: Loved it. RATING 9/10
Adam Lambert “Feeling Good”: Look, “Feeling Good” might be one of my FAVORITE EFFING SONGS EVER. From Nina Simone to, yes, Michael Buble, to my favorite band of all timesies, Muse, it is a song that always delivers. OMG, do I sense some chem-chems between JJ Foxx and Adam? Dreams can be realized. My only problem with Adam tonight? His “creative” arrangement was EXACTLY like the Muse version. If you haven’t heard it, I suggest you listen, because believe it or not, it’s better than Lambert’s. Really. Even with the confident stair traversing, Muse’s is still better by a mile. Also, this is about as gay as I’ve ever seen Lambert get on stage, what with that arm splayed by his side like a little teapot. I can’t really put my finger on it, but my love of Lambert and the song still did not make this my favorite performance of his. Hmm, is the Lambert star fading? Nah, he’ll still win. RATING 7/10