Timberfake Eliminated, Lambert Bottoms Out

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As we predicted, Matt Giraud was booted from American Idol this week, but in a moment we didn’t expect, his fellow bottom (hee) was Adam Lambert. Apparently that was something NO one expected and there was shock, confusion and a moment of silence so Paula Abdul and Kara DioGuardi could work through their feelings. We also got appearances from Natalie Cole (she looks good!) and Taylor Hicks (he looks fine!) and Jamie Foxx (he looks like he has a movie coming out!), and a few other noteworthy moments too.

5. They Made a Cake, But Kara Can Eat It.

It’s birthday week on Idol as well as being Rat Pack week – Danny Gokey and Allison Iraheta both celebrated a birthday in the past few days, so in a not-at-all staged moment, the gang baked a cake in the Idol Kitchen. Only it turned into a food fight! It’s times like this that we wish Kris Allen wasn’t married or Danny wasn’t freshly widowed because this food fight had the least amount of sexual tension we’ve ever seen, and we were looking hard for it. Give us some sexy, flirtatious singles, Idol! There is no drama in this group, we are dying of boredom! The closest we can get to sexytime on this show is Kara telling the world her jaw is conditioned to drop open every time she sees Adam. And we all know that feeling’s not mutual.
4. All Adam All The Time

To determine the bottom three, Ryan divided the group, with Matt Giraud and Kris Allen on the presumably “weaker” side of the stage and Danny Gokey and Allison Iraheta on the “strong” side. Then Ryan asked Adam which side he felt he belonged to, and while we felt like it was an unfair question to pose, we sure loved watching Adam squirm. He asked “Based on last night? I think I belong in this group,” and joined Danny and Allison The Strong, but oh-ho-ho not so fast, Lambert. You’re in the bottom three for once with Matt and Kris. Not “Feeling Good” now are ya? We felt like this whole scenario coddled Adam, drew attention away from Danny and Allison and was unfair to everyone because it focused so much on Adam and the judges’ feelings for him. Get over him already, America! If Taylor Hicks proved one thing last night it’s that in two years, no one will care about who won this season.

3. Jamie Foxx IS The Soloist Named Kanye West

So. Coupla things. As we watched Jamie Foxx’s Autotune-a-palooza last night, our thoughts toggled between “Didn’t we see Kanye West do this exact performance like 5 weeks ago, but with a towel hanging out of his butt?” and “Jamie Foxx is now committing to going full retard in everything he does.” The irony of his mentorhood (mentorship?) is that he kept emphasizing to the gang “Do you want to be singers or artists?” when he himself is neither. To our delight, Simon looked about as enthused as we felt for the whole performance.

2. The Generation Gap

Now for the moment where we sound like our grandparents: There should be a dress code for performing the songs from this week. Tuesday the contestants got dolled up to sing and it worked for them, but when you watch a group song like “It Don’t Mean A Thing” and, for instance, Kris Allen and his flannel shirt and ripped jeans and Dave Matthews jimmy legs flopping all over the stage are all you can focus on, it detracts from the music. We know that’s not the point of this show but honestly, can you imagine anyone in the Rat Pack wearing flannel? Maybe they did to help Frank Sinatra clean up a crime scene, but certainly never on stage.

1. So Long, Timberfake

In a moment completely free of drama or surprise, Ryan announced that Matt Giraud was going home and launched into a farewell montage. We certainly haven’t been Matt’s biggest fan, but he was definitely a talent and will forever be known as the Judges’ Savee. As always, everything comes back to Adam, so we noticed that as Adam bid farewell to Matt he hugged him and then in a moment so fleeting we almost missed it, he leaned in and either kissed him or whispered something. Were they reenacting the end of Lost in Translation? Did they get to be BFF’s in the Idol Mansion? Are we reading too much into it? Let us have this bit of drama, people! Lord knows the food fight didn’t do it for us!