AMERICAN IDOL RECAP : Slash Speaks! Danny Screams! Adam Lamberts!

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This is a recap for The Top 4 contestants on American Idol Season 8, theme: Rock. You can see the performances here.

Last night’s American Idol theme was “Rock.” So, who better to the mentor for this week’s 4 remaining contestant than he who was pulled out of a rock n’ roll drain: Slash, who over the years has slowly transformed into one of our favorite TV characters of all time… JUAN EPSTEIN:

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Best screencap ever, literally. (Screen CAP! Bye.) Hearing Slash talk is a strange experience. I always pictured him as being sort of Helen-Kellery: The hair blocking sound, the glasses blocking site, and mute. He was a re-re genius with a gee-tar, and we left it at that. But alas: He AMERICAN IDOL ROCK WEEK 5.jpghas a voice. It’s almost pleasant sounding! And his hair We’re just sorry Noop Dawg wasn’t around to participate… because that would have been hilarious in all the right ways.

But onto the recap. Let’s just say that even God didn’t want this episode to happen, but a broken set/sign of impending doom isn’t going to shut down this cash cow.

Adam Lambert “Whole Lotta Love”: Oh, Adam. We were so hoping you would sing Queen this week. Instead, you went for the Zep’s jugular. First of all, kudos to the AI make-up woman who used her East Indian foundation pallette to make this boy tan. But as “great” of a rock song as this is (not my favorite), Adam is still doing his musical theater thang up there. It’s like Dreamgirls meets Led Zeppelin, a veritable “Rock Band I Am Telling You.” Because just when you think it gets a little too rocky, Lambert gives a little shoulder shimmy and reminds us why we love him. I only wish he would have sung a song that, well, I wanted to listen to on my Ipod. I think I’ll save my precious 99 cents this week for something more enjoyable… like a toasted bagey n’ cc, or a lotto ticket. Meanwhile, Kara was rocking her Glambert look tonight, and called him a “Rock God”, replete with devil horns thrown in the air. Does she really have to come back next season? RATING 7/10 (points deducted for song choice.) I was really hoping Idol producers would give Lambert a generous 8 minutes to cover “November Rain”, though, in a way it’s good they didn’t:

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AMERICAN IDOL ROCK WEEK 6.jpgAllison Iraheta “Crybaby”: Predictable, Shmedictable. We have ALL wanted to hear Allison sing Joplin. And what’s this? She’s choosing one of my favorite Janis songs, “Cry Baby.” Now be honest: How many of you pretty much only know this song thanks to the adorable baby sequence in Look Who’s Talking? It’s OK, my hand is up too. Let’s see em. There we are. (If you have no idea what I’m talking about, click here and fast forward to 8:00.) Tonight, I thought Allison KICKED ASS. Is it too late to add her to the VH1 Divas line-up? Because she deserves it. Though, might we suggest she “V For Vendetta” that mullet as soon as she can. It doesn’t do her any favors. Also, the judges are pricks. RATING 10/10 (We’re getting extreme this week.)

Kris and Danny Due “Renegade”: Whut. What exactly is going on here? Is this a DVD extra of some backwoods inbred brothers from “O Brother Where Art Though?” WHY THIS SONG? You know, maaaaaybe if they would have sung “Sailing Away”, maybe I could give a care. And what is Danny’s necklace about? He sounds like Methface McDonald. Which just goes to show… Rock N’ Roll is the devil’s music. Oh, was Kris there? Didn’t notice. RATING 3/10

AMERICAN IDOL ROCK WEEK 7.jpgKris Allen “Come Together”: Kris stated that working with Slash made him “want to pee his pants”, to which we say “Maybe this isn’t the reality show for you.” Now, I’m not Kris’ biggest fan in the world, but — FOR HIM — I thought he was pretty good. His crooky jaw was in full fx, but hey — it’s a song I can sing along to! Points for that. Meanwhile, Kara, who was sporting a STUDDED LEATHER JACKET and a BUMP IT, told Kris he was “trying to hard.” Just another case of the pot calling the kettle washed up. All this being said, Kris should probably go home tonight. RATING 5/10

Meanwhile, Slash had no idea what the hell was going on:

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AMERICAN IDOL ROCK WEEK 8.jpgDanny Gokey “Dream On”: Please, God, tell me Gokey wore diapers. Please. Because there is no way he sang that song without actually crapping in his own pants. The only time human should make that noise is when they are passing a stool — this is the way God intended us to function. And now, the only way I can coherently talk about Danny this week, a mini liveblog of the last 30 seconds of the song: WHAT IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW. HE IS SCARING MEEEEEE THE END WHAT AM I LISTENING TO NOOOOOOOOOOOO THIS IS THE WORST THING NOOOOOGOOOOGOGOGOOGOOOOOO. EVEN PAULA SAT DOWN WHAT IS HAPPENINGGGG? DANNY WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY. In case you missed it, here it is again:

Also, Kara, “early Aerosmith” IS “Dream On”, not “Crazy.” That’s Alicia Silverstone Aerosmith, please get it right. Also, how can they blame Danny for the genre… THEY PICKED IT. What were they expecting? RATING 1/10 (WE WENT THERE DEAL WITH IT.)

AMERICAN IDOL ROCK WEEK2.jpgAllison and Adam “Slow Ride”: Probably my favorite performance of the night. Allison looked adorable, and Lambert was Lamberting it up a storm. To be fair, if it wasn’t for the Simpsons episode “Like Father, Like Clown”, I wouldn’t actually believe Foghat was a real band. Anyway, I’m pretty sure this song saved the night. Really, song selection this season has been about as bad as ever. Blame the contestants, blame the lame theme weeks, whatever it is, there’s usually only one great song a night — IF you’re lucky. And Allison is slowly becoming our favorite contestant on the show, go figure. RATING 9/10

Thoughts on the episode? We are almost through with this nightmare, America, don’t give up now.

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