I Wanna Rock! (Because No One Last Night Did)

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It’s Rock Week on American Idol! We’ve got Slash! We’ve got duets! Some sign above the stage rocked so hard it fell down! But if Slash is your mentor, we half expect these kids to sing some G’n’R or hey, what about “Enter Sandman”? Songs that are a little dirty and gritty…ROCK, y’know? Instead we got a watered down “Come Together” from Kris Allen, a version of “Dream On” that was more pitchy than the Yankees bullpen from Danny Gokey, and decent but not exactly rockin’ versions of “Whole Lotta Love” and “Crybaby” from Adam Lambert and Allison Iraheta. Still, it was a pretty action-packed show.

5. Adam Lovers

These judges and their boners for Adam Lambert are out of hand. This week, Lambert went first (clearly just to disprove our theory that they always save him for the end), and as soon as he was through singing “Whole Lotta Love,” Simon Cowell basically set up the rest of the performers for failure, telling Adam no one would be able to live up to his performance. Adam did have a Robert Plant thing going on vocally, to a point, but even guest mentor Slash told him to tone down the improvised high notes. One reason we didn’t like the version that much is because Robert Plant oozes sex appeal, but Adam, as groany and wailing as he is, hides whatever sex appeal he may have. He didn’t give us anything to swoon over with this performance.

4. Duets

When we hear the word “duets” we can’t help but think of the Gwyneth Paltrow-Huey Lewis movie of the same name. Thankfully, last night’s episode featured duets but none involving Gwyn. We got performances from Danny Gokey and Kris Allen, paired up to sing Styx’s “Renegade” which was a fun performance – they definitely complemented each other – but it was torture listening to the judges critique the song, which we thought of as filler. Kara DioGuardi told them the song didn’t really fit them because “they’re like the guys that help the little women cross the streets.” (Beth and Amy maybe, but definitely not Meg or Jo). Then Simon, without being asked, said Kris was a worse performer than Danny, and at that moment someone smacked Kris on the back, causing his face to freeze into permanent bitchface for the night.

3. Duets, Part II

We actually enjoyed the duet between Adam and Allison – and we really don’t care for Foghat. But to watch these kids sing “Slow Ride” together, you kind of got the feeling they really love each other. Allison said that Adam was like a brother, and hello, they now share a hairstylist. That’s a bond that lasts. Of course the judges fawned all over them too, telling them THEY were the real rock god/goddesses of the night and blah blah, Danny and Kris who? We liked seeing the feisty side of Allison and hope that being paired with Adam will give her more visibility, she deserves it.

2. Slash

Just looking at Slash’s hair makes our head hot, we start fussing and putting a ponytail in because having that much hair matted down cannot be comfortable. That was our first Slash thought. Our second thought was that he was a pretty good mentor – he had the four contestants come down to meet him at The Roxy and actually work out their arrangements with him on stage (at one point he even lent Kris Allen his guitar) and doled out decent advice. (Anyone who tells Lambert to tone it down is aces in our book.) We just wish we got to see more of him. We also think it’s insane that Allison wasn’t even alive during Guns ‘n’ Roses’ heyday – she was born after Use Your Illusion I and II. What?!

1. The Performances

We already mentioned the barfy, big love for Adam, so next up was Allison singing Janis Joplin‘s “Crybaby”. As always, Allison was solid – not our favorite song, though – but the girl is awesome, come on. We felt that the judges were unnecessarily harsh though. Paula had our favorite line of the night, telling Allison “I think if they ever did a bio-pic on Janis Joplin, you’ve got the role.” Except that Bette Midler had that role already. Maybe Allison can try for the role of Jackie Jormp-Jomp on 30 Rock? The judges also seemed to hate Kris Allen’s rockified “Come Together” (ok, so did we), leading to more bitchface from Kris. We wanted to like Danny’s version of “Dream On” but his high notes had us begging for mercy and had Kara begging for a timeline when she told Danny he should have picked an early Aerosmith song, like “Cryin’” or “Crazy”. (“Dream On” is from 1973, “Cryin’” and Crazy” are from the 1990s.) Kara, we will miss you when you are fired. Randy Jackson actually gave the performance an A+, but not to be outdone, Paula gave it an A++. So there, dawg.

Final Thoughts:

-Kris was so nervous to work with Slash that he could have peed his pants! Good thing he’s probably going home tomorrow so his wife can throw them in the laundry.

-We loved that Allison sassed the judges but Simon was kind of a prick telling her she might as well beg to stay. We’ve all seen the Susan Boyle-loving Simon with a heart, where was he last night?

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