Allison Iraheta’s Idol Elimination Has Dashed All Of Our Dreams

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Last night we shed a single tear for Allison Iraheta who, despite 64 million votes being cast on Tuesday, got the lowest amount and was ousted from American Idol. It pains us to admit that our baby’s gone. We know Adam Lambert is going to win this now, he’s the only performer the judges haven’t criticized harshly for any of his performances and that’s the only thing that pains us more than seeing Allison go. We can barely go on anymore. But we must. …

5. Retro Rock

So we’ve learned that the rock and roll genre, to the American Idol people, basically means any music from before 1978. The songs the contestants sang on Tuesday were all from the 60′s or 70′s and the group song last night was “School’s Out” (between that and “Slow Ride,” it looks like someone has a Dazed and Confused fetish). The one song that’s relatively new was the Ford video song, “Move Along” by the All-American Rejects, yet another groovy experiment with Final Cut Pro that someone scraped together. We wonder what other song options the contestants could choose from, because we wanted to love this week but we really didn’t. It was pretty awesome to finally see Slash on guitar though for “School’s Out.” (And Allison practically shoved Danny Gokey down during a moment of improvised choreography so that was pretty cool.)

4. She’s Just Here For the Music

We’ve always wondered why Paula Abdul doesn’t perform on the show, and now we know. Remember when Megan Joy Corkrey would “Caw!” her way off-stage, and all the judges could muster for positivity was “Well Megan, you looked beautiful tonight”? For someone who has been in this business for over two decades, um, Paula looked beautiful tonight. Her distorted, Autotune-y (per usual on this show) singing was so bad even our brother called us to say “I was just flipping past Paula Abdul lip-synching while being thrown around by some dancers, are you watching this??” We half expected her to end by saying “It’s Britney, bitches” as an homage to that other train wreck live performance we couldn’t turn away from.

3. A Little Doubt

After Paula, we had a performance by No Doubt and we were disappointed that the song they sang was “Just A Girl.” The band is touring in support of nothing, so they have no new single to promote, but of all the hit songs they’ve had, “Just A Girl” is by far the most annoying. We even prefer “Don’t Speak,” the song that set us over the edge in 1998, to that one. But listening to Gwen sing, we were like, she looks awesome but this song … yeesh. In fact, with the weird vocals and running all over the stage and doing push-ups, it sounded like Carol Channing was singing. “I’m Jesht A Gerl!” Score one in support of lip-synching? Still, we admire No Doubt for being so weird and catchy and fun to watch.

2. The Horror: Kris is in the Top Three

Everyone (or maybe just us) was thinking Kris Allen would probably be sent home last night, but in a shocking upset, he turned out to be one of the final three. Looks like Mrs. Kris Allen will have to live without him for a while longer, subsisting only on their weekly conjugal visits in the Idol Mansion. We figured he or Danny and his terrible high note would have gone home. We did think it was great though that Danny had such a sense of humor about his crazy performance from Tuesday when he mentioned that even his aunt had to turn the volume down on him. The family that prays together … turns the TV down on each other.

1. My Aim is True

What broke our heart last night was the Sophie’s Choice moment when Ryan had to choose between Danny and Allison to announce who was being eliminated. Danny’s been wearing thin for us for a while but he’s still our favorite guy (we guess), but we had so been rooting for Allison and were heartbroken to see her go. It was rather poetic to see her shed tears though during her reprise of “Cry Baby.” She was the last/only hope for the girls and she was delightfully weird and slurry and we will miss her. Ally, if Daughtry can go quadruple platinum after being a runner-up, girrrrl, so can you.

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