AMERICAN IDOL RECAP: And Then There Were Screams

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This is a recap for The Top 3 contestants on American Idol Season 8, theme: Judges/Singers Picks. You can see the performances here.

Danny Gokey “Dance Little Sister”: Sometimes, things don’t need to be said. In the case of Gokey singing a Terrence Trent D’arby song I have never heard called “Dance Little Sister”, what doesn’t need to be said is that it could easily have been dedicated to Allison Iraheta (AI.RIP.: You were missed tonight.) So what does it sound like? Mmmmm imagine Michael McDonald getting his jugular cut while at his sister’s Bas Mitzvah, and you’ll start to get the idea. Gokey was schillin’ like he’s never schilled. I half expected him to open up his jacket to display solid gold watches for sale. Instead, he did one better: He had a SAXAMAPHONE SHOWDOWN with this guy:

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He then chicken walked across the stage while Gallaghering Simon Cowell with his spittle. He really “kicked things off” with a size 7 Sketchers sneaker, didn’t he? RATING 3/10

Kris Allen “Apologize”: Well, look at Kris Allen… playing piano! This is all very TI and Justin singing “Dead and Gone” at Lillith Fair for me, and I don’t hate it. In the scheme of the Kris Allen oeuvre, I don’t completely hate this. It’s actually kind of OK. But JUST OK. It might also have something to do with the profile angle masking the trademarked jaw unhinge. Now, as far as Kara — who chose the song — telling Kris that at this stage he has to “swing it out of the park”, allow us to respond to Kara by saying TAKE YOUR OWN ADVICE, WOMAN. It’s the second to last episode and I still have no idea why you are there, who you are, whether or not you are talented and/or have a functioning hypothalamus. If I hear the words “make it your own” one more f**king time, I’m going to make a bullet my own by embedding it in between my eyeholes. Also did Paula say “bung note”? Lollllz. RATING 6/10

AMERICAN IDOL LAMBERT 1.jpgAdam Lambert “One”: Bo-no. It’s finally happening: Lambert meets U2 on a bright blue stage that may have just collectively tested America for Glaucoma. The song begins promisingly enough — Lambert using his sickly sweet voice that I want to pour all over my body awful waffle style. But then some drums came out to play, and Lambert began spinning out of control like a meth addict at a dreidling competition. (What? I have no idea.) Melody, shmelody, this man cut his balls off for this! And so he must sing. The camera spinning around his acid-washed button down in a drunkey haze as Lambert’s tongue did that in and out dance we’ve grown so familiar to. On the bright side, his hair looked clean, and who are we kidding, we love the kid. And, let’s face it, he’s going to win so what the hell are we even talking about anymore. RATING 7/10

Danny Gokey “You Are So Beautiful To Me”: When I was little, I used to think this song was written to a tiny stool sample birthed by Joe Cocker, as the guy sounded so constipated that the only thing that could possibly be beautiful to him was a doody “plug”. From the first 3 notes out of Gokey’s mouth, we knew we wouldn’t be able to make it the whole way through. Man, is he milking this dead wife thing or what? He may as well have had a casket lowering into the stage in front of him. Things picked up a bit halfway through — something about turning a boy into a man? — and let me tell you, if there’s anything that’s going to make me vote for the Gokes, it’s picturing him losing his virginity*. *Everything about that last sentence is untrue. RATING 1/10 (I just can’t anymore.)

If you missed the performance, please check out this version, which is slightly less disturbing:

Kris Allen “Heartless”: How in the EFF did this show get the rights to this song? How is Kanye not all-caps blogging about this RIGHT NOW?!?!!!!1! “Heartless” happens to be a great AMERICAN IDOL LAMBERT 5.jpgsong — and this acoustic version is nice enough, but when Kris starting singing about how “you ain’t gonna find nobody better than me”, I couldn’t help but think: “But they have. And their names are Adam, Danny and Allison” (went there.) It was a cute performance, certainly, but was a jay-eye-zee-zee-ing all over myself like Randy & Co.? Not reallllly. BETTER THAN KANYE? If Randy’s body is found in the next couple of days strangled by a glo-necklace and wearing shutter shades, Ithinkwe’llallknowwhodidit. RATING 6/10

Adam Lambert “Cryin’”: Oh boy. My middle school anthem. And OhEmGee. This is amazing. This is what I’ve wanted from Lambert all season. I actually got choked up from how much I loved this. The guy goes from calmly sitting on a stool next to Ryan to BLASTING OFF TO MARS ON A GLITTER-FUELED ROCKETSHIP in less than a f**king minute. If there was only a way to get impregnated by music, I swear. RATING 10/10 (I HAD TO.)

And hear me now: If by some fluke Lambert does not end up in the finale, I will refuse to do a recap.

Better yet? This will be my recap: