Danny’s Cameltoe And Other Idol Top 3 Horrors

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You are so beautiful to meeeeeOOHH MY GODDD!!! The Top 3 got two songs each last night on American Idol—first they had to sing the worst possible song the judges could think of, then they had to sing the crap they plan to peddle on us once they’re off the show. Naturally, the second song was a little tighter—especially for Danny Gokey‘s pants.

5. Kara Vs. Simon Vs. Paula Vs. Kara Vs. Simon Vs. Randy

The judges are always a little combative, but last night was so bad we weren’t even shown the carnage. All we got was Ryan Seacrest and the contestants staring in shock as the numbers flashed on the screen. Seacrest demanded the camera not cut over to the fracas, reporting such details as “Paula Abdul just punched Simon Cowell in the right breast.” We did see Kara DioGuardi put Cowell in a headlock, though. That was nice.

4. Kris Allen: Some Guitars Are Better Than Others

Kara and Randy Jackson (aww, they had to share) picked OneRepublic‘s “Apologize” for Kris Allen‘s first song, only they forgot to text the part where they wanted a radically different arrangement. Kris did change the chorus melody slightly (those high notes hurt), with an obnoxious electric guitar solo accentuating his struggle to reach the peaks—but it wasn’t enough for the lesser-loved duo, sending Paula and especially Simon into a “that’s not fair and no one likes you, Kara” tizzy. Kris went back to a familiar acoustic vibe for Kanye West‘s “Heartless,” pulling off the first non-annoying Rap TrackĀ  Covered By A White Dude With A Guitar ever. Everyone loved it, but it may not be enough to get him past…

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3. Adam’s Unstoppable Tongue

Sing the word “carry.” Did your tongue fly out of your mouth? If you said “yes,” you’re Adam Lambert and you need to get that checked out. His Simon-comissioned version of U2‘s “One” started with surprising nuance, but devolved to bombastic bleating without warning. He had an equally obnoxious back-up singer shout along with him on Aerosmith‘s “Crying,” allowing him to slip into the loudest epileptic convulsion you’ve ever heard. The judges ate his arbitrary shriekfest up, swearing he’s an American Idol finalist even though he should skip a recording contract and go directly to Rock Of Ages. But assuming Kara’s right, will he be joined by Kris’ triangle mouth or…

2. Danny’s Happy Pants

Realizing that an obscure song by an ’80s flash in the pan isn’t the way to win America’s heart (thank you very much, Paula), Danny followed Terence Trent D’Arby‘s “Dance Little Sister” (#30 with a bullet in 1988!) with the immortal chestnut “You Are So Beautiful To Me,” a move as craven as Kristy Lee Cook‘s “God Bless The USA” last year. It seemed like an eightball in the corner pocket, until he stood up and showed everyone the eightball in his pants. It was a blink-if-you-missed-it moment, as Gokey spent most of the time holding his hands over his crotch. But we swear we saw Ryan take in a good long look after the judges pitched their woo.

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You are so bunching up…on me…

1. Kara’s Weekly Flee

While not as memorable as Adam’s screams and Danny’s armadillo, Kara once again flung herself from her chair before the show had even come to a close, this time appearing to get stuck the armrest. Do the cameramen make a point to catch her quick escape? Is she trying to send us and her fellow judges a message? If the message is “OMG you all hate me and I hate all of you and let me off this show if you’re not going to treat me with the respect I don’t deserve and I HATE YOU SIMON I HATE YOU don’t try to hug me Randy I HATE YOU SIMON I HATE YOU,” we can only hope the producers receive it. Less talk, more hilarious attempts at rock.

Final Thoughts:

Who’s going home tonight? Kris the Cutie? Danny the Douche? Adam the Androgyne? Hard to say: Danny’s the easiest to hate, Kris is the easiest to forget and Adam makes our ears bleed. DialIdol says its too close to call, and we’re incline to agree. Your move, America!

[Photo: American Idol]