Last week, countries across Europse, and even some beyond, agreed to drop any bad blood, if only for an evening, and join hands the only way they know how: A fabulously gay singing competition. And while you might not be surprised by the over-the-top production values for this international talent show — one of Europe’s most famous yearly traditions, after the Annual Summerly Delousing — what might surprise you are the artists/songs certain countries believe will actually give them a shot at the title.
We’ve gone through all the entries — hours and hours of tuneless scale runs — to bring you the following list: 10 Eurovision Songs That Will Make You Proud to Be An American. And if you don’t at the very least sit through #1… well all we can do is pray for you. Because it will change your life.
10. Greece: Sakis Rouvas – This Is Our Night
It’s a good thing the Eurovision does not air in 3-D, because if it did, both of my eyeholes would be pregnant with Sakis’ groin babies. I’m fairly certain that on his off-nights, Sakis teaches body sculpting at the Equinox in Manhattan’s Chelsea district. Sakis Rouvas makes Ricky Martin look Jack Effing Palance, and makes Adam Lambert‘s eyeliner/glitterpants look like the beige khakis of the new Millennium. It is physically impossible for America to even produce someone this fabulous! Which is actually a disgrace. Come on, USA, let’s put our toddlers in LED banana hammocks and hope for a brighter tomorrow! (ps We actually love this man.)
9. Finland: Waldo’s People – Lose Control
Watch your back, Eminem. Because this Finnish white rapper will seriously kill you. Not with a knife, or a gun… this hard-core motherf*cker will have a moose ass impale you from behind while he ice skates on your flash frozen balls. Finland is known first and foremost for “creative murder”, and second for their ability to make everything and anything “more white.” Also the only way I would ever seriously listen to this band is if they wore red-n-white striped shirts and had walking sticks and a severe astigmies.
Click ahead with the understanding that you have to watch all 3 minutes of #1.
8. Sweden: Malena Ernman – La Voix
THIS IS THE MOST INTENSE THING YOU WILL EVER WITNESS OER-EM-GEE. Clearly, Malena Ernman was the inspiration for Cate Blanchett’s character in Lord of the Rings, because your soul will quite literally disappear if you stare into her eyes/biceps. Kudos to Malena, however, for bringing Robert Palmer‘s back-up dancers back from the dead. 1:26 reads like the trailer for the latest Lars Von Trier pic.
7. Ukraine: Svetlana Loboda – Be My Valentine (Anti-Crisis Girl)
The soundtrack to my upcoming docudrama “Getting R’d in a Ukrainian Nightclub.” Please watch this for the UHMUHMUHMUHMUHMAYZING Trojan Back-Up Dancers, who need to be deported to my wildest fantasies ASAP.
6. Bosnia & Herzegovina: Regina – Bistra Voda
Bosnia’s most famous boyband. And while the lead singer is rocking a pretty sexy “Kate Gothelin“, it’s the drummer whose passion has won over my mind and, more importantly, my heart. Bosnian Les Miserables is kind of sexy, you guys. In other news, 6 shots of vodka later, who of us would not have our tops off dancing on a table to this?
5. Portugal: Flor-de-lis – Todas As Ruas Do Amor
If the lyrics to this song are to be believed, she is singing about saltines, douchebags, and ecstasy. NOTE: The graphics used in this video were used without permission from Portugal’s hit show, Melhor Semana Sempre con Paulo Effe. GonÃ§alves.
4. Germany: Alex Swings Oscar Sings – Miss Kiss Kiss Bang
Take everything we said about video #10, throw in a Dita Von Teese cameo, a pair of tweezers, and Hitler rolling over in his grave, and we present you with the following video.
3.Slovakia: KAMIL MIKULÄŒÃK & NELA POCISKOVÃ LEÅ¤ TMOU
The last 30 seconds. That is all.
2. Norway: Alexander Rybak – Fairytale
Alexander actually won the competition. Did he deserve it? Well, if cute but terrible violinists is your thing, then definitely. (We’ve saved our personal favorite video for the #1 slot.) It’s good to know that Alexander was able to revive his career after helping Frodo get the ring back to Mordor. (Ed. Note: 2 LOTR references in one post? My work here is done.) And if you have trouble understanding how this yokel with a violin won, check out his cover of Jason Mraz’s “I’m Yours”, and see that deep down under the clothes bought at a Bronson Pinchot yardsale, Mr. Rybal is actually kind of adorable.
1. Hungary: Zoli Ãdok – Dance With Me.
As a full-blooded Hungarian, I am literally overcome with TEARS at how ABSOLUTELY unbelievable the Hungarian entry is this year. If scoring the Eurovision winner is based on a combo of talent, Euroness, and gayness, this performance would score a 10/10/12. Not gonna lie, this is the BEST WORST THING WE HAVE EVER SEEN. From Zoli’s expert grapevining, to the LAST NOTE, to — most importantly — 1:56-:157, you’ll quickly come to realize that the robot dance that kicks this performance off is the least hilarious thing about it. Simply put: lskdflskdfjlskdjflskdjflkjsdf.
DANCE WITH ME IS MY OFFICIAL SUMMER JAM 2009-???