AMERICAN IDOL RECAP: It’s All Come Down to Kradam

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Hours. Hours and hours. Spent sitting through the tone-deaf, the slutty, the sexy, the talent, the heart-break, the ups, the frowns, the tears of joy and sadness. This year marks the first that, thanks to my DVR, I have been able to witness American Idol be whittled down from the first handful of sloppy, toothless audition episodes, to Hollywood Week, to the Top 13, to tonight: The final two. Adam Lambert, he with the stylist posse and Wilson’s Leather Celebrity Discount Card vs. Kris Allen, whom we’ve lovingly come to call “Hot Popeye”:

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Adam Lambert “Mad World”: Woah. Is it just me, or is Lambert getting all Columbine on our asses?

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To be honest, it seems a bit silly of them to ask the finalists to repeat a song they’ve already sung. Isn’t the idea of the show to keep things fresh and innovative? Why make them repeat it? I ask this especially because, in the case of this particular cover, Lambert’s first performance of it a few weeks back was a million times better. We’re not sure what, exactly, went awry here. Perhaps its the stage setting, which is 3 parts Trans-Siberian Orchestra, 5 parts Tim Burton’s deepest fantasies, and 2 parts gay vampire porn (big in Estonia). But maybe… maybe it’s nerves? Glambert? Could it be? Is this the same baby faced blond kid who regaled his bored graduating class with Boyz II Men? This is not the way I wanted Lambert to kick off the show. America expected him to put his boot into our collective fallopian tubes and pull out a keytar made out of the scalps of our ghost babies. Instead, we got, as Simon put it, “Phantom.”

Also, kudos to Randy for dressing up in duds purchased at the Sanford and Son yard sale:

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BONUS CAMEO: ANTHONY HOPKINS:

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Kris Allen “Ain’t No Sunshine”: That opening shot of the GIGANTIC (red) audience behind him really highlight the pressure! While its clear that Kris’ voice is not even in the same category as Adam’s, I must admit that the staging and arrangement of this number does (gulp, it pains me to say it) have Adam beat. Throw a couple of violinists into anything and I am sold. But let’s face it: If Kris really wanted this competition in the bag, he would have splayed himself across the piano Fabulous Baker Boys style with his D hanging out, in the hopes of getting message across: “Dear Red States: I’m the hot straight one.” And good ol’ Paula Abdul, who prepared for the evening by sleeping three straight weeks in her “tanning coffin”, put it best: “With your yah yeh unique way of ‘Allenizing’ everything.” Truer words.

And dammit… that little look he gave at the end… straight out of the William Wegman handbook of “How to Look Like An Adorable Animal That People Want To Put In Their Heart and Other Places”:

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Adam Lambert “Change is Gonna Come”: Oh Clean Suited Adam, welcome back you. Now, prepare yourself for blaspheme, but I’ve never been a huge fan of this particular song, Obama campaign and all… until TONIGHT. FULL BODY CHILLS Y’ALL. Is it too early to put my vote in that Adam be included on the VH1 Divas extravaganza? If anyone ever deserved it… Anyway, this song killed, and was really the only highlight on this overall lackluster finale.

Also, might I add how adorable I find Adam’s love for Paula? He always has the biggest smile on his face as she fawns over him. And you have to give him credit: He’s about as humble as ANYONE could be when people are basically fainting at your feet from your God-like awesomeness.

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Kris Allen “What’s Goin’ On”: Look… It’s not bad. Kris is clearly trying to “make it his own”, as is this year’s theme. But look, guys, Kris is adorable, he’s sweet, he’s got an OK voice… but he is a freaking BUSKER. This is street performer quality. If I saw him singing by the 42 St. train I would think “Oh, isn’t that sad? NYU kid singin’ for his damn meal.” Also, obligatory mention of CROOK JAWZ IN FULL EFFEX. Also — there was a rumor that Suri Cruise was in the audience. Did anyone see her? She’s my favorite baby.

AMERICAN IDOL FINALE 7.jpgAdam Lambert “No Boundaries”: You know, I didn’t think Kara could get any worse. And then, she wrote a song called “No Boundaries.” Which leads me to ask:

HOW CAN KARA LIVE WITH HERSELF?

See, you may recall last year, when BWE.tv challeneged you – the reader – to write your own inspiration American Idol finale song in 180 seconds or less. (Dan’s “(Nothing’s Gonna Stop My) American Heart” is now considered a classic.) Well guess what? They were ALL better than “No Boundaries”. It actually put me in physical pain to hear Lambert have to stoop down to this 700 Club-esque muzak known as the American Idol winners song. Because guess what? Adam Lambert will NEVER climb a mountain. Know why? BECAUSE HE HAS ALIEN GASOLINE BOOSTERS INSTEAD OF FEET AND CAN JUST ROCKET HIS WAY TO THE TOP, PEOPLE. Meanwhile, I couldn’t help but think that Danny Gokey was probably having the church sweats thinking of how amazingly he would have to’ this up.

Honestly, it’s unfair for the judges to even criticize either Adam or Kris when, clearly, this song is just a trainwreck.

KRIS ALLEN PIANO 2.jpgKris Allen “No Boundaries”: Basically, see above. But add a lot of notes that don’t exist on a scale.

So who will win? Well let’s put it this way: If Lambert hadn’t been on the show, it would have been, basically, unwatchable. So you know where our vote lays. However, DialIdol.com is reporting that the race is too close to call. But do we even need to argue about this? No matter what “haters of gay people” say, Lambert is clearly the winner this season. In all of our hearts and pants.

And now, the comments. Please, feel free to tell me that I am an assh*le. It’s what I’m paid for!

Let’s get it on.

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