Susan Boyle Renders The Standing Ovation Meaningless

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Remember Susan Boyle? You know the one: Unkempt, single-browed, chastity in tact, could kinda sorta sing? If your memory is a bit fuzzy, perhaps this genius portrait courtesy of Painter of Pancakes will help:

 

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Thaaaaaat’s the one. Well, following her international debut on Britain’s Got Talent a few weeks ago, where she reimagined Les MiserablesFantine as a heavyset, middle-aged virgin (oh, the irony — Fantine was suuuch a sloot), Boyle made yet another appearance on the show last week in her bid to make it to the finals. This time around, Boyle — by now, as recognizable in certain Third World nations as a young Michael Jordan — stepped onto the stage confident, made over, a new woman ready to present herself as the new face of English talent. She then flipped her garbage can lid over, delicately placed a fish skeleton on it, and proceeded to cat-wail her way through “Memories” from the appropriately titled Cats.

Sure, the song picks up a bit in the middle. But Boyle’s performance is strange… she just sort of stands there, Tweedledumstruck by her surroundings, mechanically belting out the song like an old-timey wind-up toy. And while Simon’s original reaction alone makes us thank the heavens for Susan’s mere existence…

 

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…we can’t help but think her ship has sailed. Of course, that didn’t stop the three judges from begrudgingly giving Boylesies a standing ovation. She is their literal cash cow!

Her performance is ahead. And tell us: Do you think Susan Boyle is a one-trick philly, or does this woman actually have a recording career in her future?