2009 is halfway done, and while there have been a fair share of annoying movies to come out, we’ve only just begun. Here is a list of the 15 Most Annoying Movies Yet to Come Out in 2009.
15. The Ugly Truth
Stars: Katherine Heigl, Gerard Butler
Release: July 24th
IMDB’s Plot: A macho morning TV show correspondent (Butler) makes a bet with his love-challenged producer (Heigl): If his tips on how to land and keep a guy don’t work, he’ll quit the business. But while he coaches her through a fledgling romance, can he avoid falling for her, and vice versa?
Why It Looks Annoying: The answer to the question in that plot summary’s last sentence: Yes. Yes, he can, and she can, and they should. Also, Katherine Heigl. If I could put her and Jordin Sparks in a cement car and push them out into the Atlantic, uhwould.
14. Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel
Stars: Jason Lee, Zachary Levi, Drew Barrymore
Release: Christmas Day
IMDB’s Plot: Plot unknown. Ed. Note: It’s Chipmunks Doin’ Sh*t.
Why It Looks Annoying: Merry Christmas, Universe! Off to get a hysterectomy to ensure that no child ever, ever forces me to sit through this.
Top 13 Most Annoying Movie Releases to Come Out in ’09 Ahead!
Stars: Ashton Kutcher, Anne Heche, Margarita Levieva
Release: August 14th
IMDB’s Plot: In Los Angeles, Nikki (Kutcher) is a sexual grafter who uses his assets to enjoy the city’s richest women and their lifestyle. Soon he finds himself torn between two very different women: Samantha (Heche), a lawyer who gives Nikki more than he’s ever had before, and Heather (Levieva), a waitress and equally savvy grafter in her own right.
Why It Looks Annoying: Wait, Ashton Kutcher plays “a sexual grafter who uses his assets to enjoy the city’s richest women and their lifestyle”? Are they sure the title of this movie isn’t actually A&E Biography: Ashton Kutcher? And as though the movie itself isn’t annoying enough, Ashton’s 4,800 ghost tweets just waiting to be written will be the icing on the shnozzle. Though the name Margarita Levieva is both delicious sounding and possibly a home remedy of some sort.
Stars: Kang-ho Song, Ok-vin Kim
Release: July 31st
IMDB’s Plot: A failed medical experiment turns a man of faith into a vampire with a taste for more than just blood. Taking a lover, the couple’s desires turn them into mass murderers.
Why It Looks Annoying: “A failed medical experiment turns a man of faith into a vampire…” Vampires? Say no more! I’m sold! (fake laughter) But seriously, movie studios, let’s make a deal: You stop making vampire movies*, and I’ll stop buying senior citizen tickets to every single thing you put out. Deal? Great. *Unless of course it’s a movie about The Count, in which case 7. I will buy 7 tickets.
11. The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard
Stars: Jeremy Piven, Ving Rhames, David Koechner
Release: August 14th
IMDB’s Plot: Used-car liquidator Don Ready (Piven) is hired by a flailing auto dealership to turn their Fourth of July sale into a majorly profitable event.
Why It Looks Annoying: I hate to rag on a Will Ferrell-produced, Neal Brennan-directed movie, considering both guys are pretty genius, but here goes: It just isn’t trying. Jeremy Piven, taking a huge career 180, plays a fast-talking ace who’s a total ass but no one cares because he’s such a fast-talking ace. It’s like they swapped the racing uniforms from Talladega Nights with short-sleeved button downs, m-bated into a typewriter, and poof: The Goods. Also, going against Hollywood’s racist standards, there is a real Asian guy and he is Asian and Asians.
10. The Final Destination
Stars: Nick Zano, Krista Allen, Andrew Fiscella
Release: August 28th
IMDB’s Plot: After Hunt’s (Zano) premonition of a deadly race-car crash helps saves the lives of his peers, Death sets out to collect those who evaded their fate.
Why It Looks Annoying: So they’re just calling it “The” Final Destination now? Does that mean it’s the final Final Destination? Not likely. I’m sure the next one will just be called Finally, A Destination or Are We There Yet? Yet Being The Destination? or just Great, Another F*cking Destination. Also, what has Death got against C-list actors who managed to evade the porn industry? I say pat em on the sack, Death, don’t put em in a bodybag.
9. Sorority Row
Stars: Briana Evigan, Rumer Willis, Carrie Fisher
Release Date: September 11th
IMDB’s Plot: A group of sorority girls pledge to keep mum on the accidental death of one of their sisters; after graduation, however, they find themselves stalked by a serial killer who seems bent on eliminating anyone who knows their secret.
Why It Looks Annoying: This is the second worst thing to ever happen on September 11th.
Stars: Will Arnett, Penélope Cruz, Zach Galifianakis
Release: July 24th
IMDB’s Plot: A specially trained squad of guinea pigs is dispatched to stop a diabolical billionaire from taking over the world.
Why It Looks Annoying: Sure, it’s got an incredible cast, one star short of Richard Gere. And yeah, it’s, you know, for kids, but so was the hula hoop in The Hudsucker Proxy, and look how genius that idea turned out to be. But hear this, Hollywood: We’re not just gonna eat up any CGI’d piece of garbage you happen to churn out. And as Intern Zack points out, the Power Rangers already sorta covered this territory. The Power Rangers. If there’s something more annoying than that, we don’t know what it is.
7. Jennifer’s Body
Stars: Megan Fox, Amanda Seyfried, Adam Brody
Release: September 18th
IMDB’s Plot: A cheerleader at a small midwestern high school becomes possessed by a demon and sets out to kill off all the guys in town.
Why It Looks Annoying: This is the second film written by Oscar-winning Juno scribe Diablo Cody. While that right there is reason enough to set your face on fire, let’s take a closer look. Juno starred Ellen Page, improviser of that “shenanigans” line, and an actress who is much less plastic, much smarter, and slightly less annoying (as long as she isn’t singing “Don’t Stop Believing”) than Megan Fox, an actress we can barely stand even when her voice is being drowned out by cacophonous grinding robo-noises.
To be fair, it may be certifiably annoying in 2009, but the fact that this movie features music from Panic at the Disco and Dashboard Confessional proves that it will be the Most Successful Teen Film of 2006.
Stars: Kelsey Grammer, Bebe Neuwirth, Megan Mullally
Release Date: September 25th
IMDB’s Plot: A remake of the 1980s musical centered on the teachers and students at the prestigious New York City High School of Performing Arts.
Why It Looks Annoying: Kelsey Grammer, Bebe Neuwirth, Megan Mullally. Read, repeat. Looking over this movie’s cast — namely Kelsey Grammer and Bebe Neuwirth — gave me a glimmer of hope that this is just an elaborate cover-up for the all new, original blockbuster musical adaptation of Frasier we’ve all been hoping for. In other words, I will see this 6 times at a minimum, but only if it includes this.
5. Capitalism: A Love Story
Stars: Michael Moore
Release: October 2nd
IMDB’s Plot: Documentary filmmaker Michael Moore sets out to uncover the truth behind the current economic crisis with interviews from Wall Street and government insiders.
Why It Looks Annoying: Look out for Michael Moore’s 2010 movie More Like Republi-can’ts, Am I Right, Guys? High-Five.
Stars: Gabourey ‘Gabby’ Sidibe, Mo’Nique, Paula Patton
Release: November 6th
IMDB’s Plot: In Harlem, an overweight, illiterate teen (Sidibe) who is pregnant with her second child is invited to enroll in an alternative school in hopes that her life can head in a new direction.
Why It Looks Annoying: This movie is more annoying on a physical level, as clearly I will weep out every ounce of moisture Did I say annoying? Because what I meant to say was “Holy sh*t, it’s like I forgot how to cry until I saw Precious.” Expect to look like J Tandy upon exiting this film from lack of body hydration.
3. The Twilight Saga: New Moon
Stars: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner
Release: November 20th
IMDB’s Plot: When Bella’s blood is shed at her birthday celebration, Edward’s intense reaction to the event causes his parents to pull up stakes and leave Forks, Washington for the sake of the young lovers. Heartbroken, Bella finds a form of comfort in reckless living, as well as an even-closer friendship with Jacob Black (Lautner). Danger in different forms awaits.
Why It Looks Annoying: Please note that the pivotal moment in this movie, according to the trailer, occurs when Kristen Stewart gets a paper cut. A paper cut. Please read that again — here it is: a paper cut – and tell me you honestly want to see this movie. I would much rather see the movie created by comedian, friend and blogger Jon Friedman, called Wolf Teen. It’s about a pack of wolves where one turns into a teen. Wait, f**k, they’re making it now.
Stars: Jake Gyllenhaal, Natalie Portman, Tobey Maguire
Release: December 4th
IMDB’s Plot: Sam Cahill (Maguire) returns from being held as a prisoner-of-war in Afghanistan to find that his ex-con brother (Gyllenhaal) has become the man, of sorts, of the household where Sam’s wife, Grace (Portman) had been living under the assumption that she was a widow.
Why It Looks Annoying: The beginning of the trailer starts off as obvious Oscar bait: some slow piano music, Jake Gyllenhaal walking in the snow, quiet flirting over some illegal drugs. It’s all very big-studio-but-still-indie-feeling. But then Tobey Maguire wakes up and suddenly sh*t gets real. And by “real”, we mean it cascades into melodramatic nonsense complete with spine-chilling drum beats before finishing with some slow piano music to remind us that, after all, this is an Oscar movie. Note: We will see it because we live in a world where director Jim Sheridan does no wrong.
Stars: Alyson Michalka, Vanessa Hudgens, Gaelan Connell
Release: August 14th
IMDB’s Plot: An outcast (Connell) bonds with the popular girl on campus (Michalka) over their shared love of music, and together they decide to form a rock group and enter their school’s upcoming battle of the bands competition.
Why It Looks Annoying: Here to explain why Bandslam might actually be THE most annoying movie release of 2009 is comedian and MTV writer Anonymous Jones, who had the pleasure of attending an advanced screening and apparently is not allowed to disclose his/her name.
Three Reasons Why Bandslam Is The Most Annoying Film of Either the 20th or 21st Century by Anonymous Jones:
First of all, the name of the band in the film is called “I Can’t Go On, I’ll Go On”. Sort of like “I Didn’t Want to See This Movie, I Saw This Movie”. The second major problem is that there’s a main character who “doesn’t do why.” She doesn’t like any “why” questions. This provides her with all of the annoying qualities of both a poorly written character and a terrible journalist. Lastly, Davie Bowie makes a cameo appearance during which he writes a MySpace message. I Didn’t Just Throw Up, I Just Threw Up.
(With thanks to Intern Zack Mast for his help and humor.)