by Michael Cyril Creighton
Well, Hello. Remember me? Michael Cyril Creighton AKA MCC, , your ol’ pal from the Best Night Ever podcast.
I’ve missed you.
It’s no secret Mad Men is fantastic and I am dripping with excitement about it’s third season starting on August 16. Oh, to be part of that booze ridden, adultery filled, nicotine drenched world. I dream about it. And in comes the Banana Republic Mad Men Casting Call Contest, which offers the opportunity to win a walk on role on Mad Men by submitting a photo of yourself online.
See, when auditioning for roles in person, I often inadvertently drool on myself, twitch, and get a shaky voice that sounds somewhat like a seal in heat. So, I have resorted to trying to win roles the good old fashioned way… on The Internet. I’ll own it. I figure I should put that very expensive BFA in Acting to good use, and let myself be judged solely on the way I look.
This walk on role on Mad Men could lead to so many other things. Perhaps I could play a dead victim of arson and/or sodomy on any of The Law & Orders. A sad frumpy orderly gnawing on a severed foot in the background of Nurse Jackie. Become the 6th Housewife on The Real Housewives of NJ. Perhaps I could learn to smile again. Anything.
I did not realize how stiff the competition would be. I look through the other contestants daily. While it is hard to pick out the best ones, and there are certainly many fantastic photographs, I have come up with 15 of my favorite competitors.
I also have taken it up on myself (you are welcome Matthew Weiner, very welcome) to give them names, create story lines for them, and give them a line.
Enjoy….and be warned. Some spoilers may ensue.
1. BETTY’s UNCLE SHERMAN comes to visit the Draper’s.
HIS LINE: “No, go out. I’ll watch the kids.”
2. SALVATORE ROMANO makes a new friend, TREY
HIS LINE: “Nice loafers.”
3. DON DRAPER drinks a ton of bourbon, changes his type, and bangs the hell out of this MILF: AGNES.
HER LINE: “Mother’s milk tastes best.” OR “You have NO idea what’s going on under this jacket.”
4. PETE CAMPBELL meets a seductive stewardess en route to Macao, SAM.
HIS/HER LINE: “Would you like more nuts?”
5. BETTY is haunted by the GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE.
HER LINE: “Hi. I’m Jeanne Tripplehorn.”
6. SALVATORE ROMANO gets reallllllly into watersports with CHAD.
HIS LINE: “Yes.”
7. JOAN trains a new secretary: MS. MATCH-ILYN MATCH-ROE
HER LINE: “Well, Yellow Ms. Halloway! It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
8. PEGGY is fraught with anxiety over the sexual tension between her and the Priest, and everywhere she turns feels the hot burn of passion. She is transfixed by this, MAN AT BAR #1…
HIS LINE: “Gusta lo que ves joven? Burbuja Extremo posterior. Mmmm.”
9. ROGER STERLING meets a young lady at the bar: GLADYS.
HER LINE: “I’m 32 years old. I can’t go through another divorce”
10. STERLING COOPER throws a Holiday Party, and all the ENTHUSIASTIC CO-WORKERS come out of the woodwork. This could go one of two ways:
THEIR LINE: “Good Punch, huh?
11. SALVATORE ROMANO’S new friend, CHIP, teaches him how to snap.
HIS LINE: “Nice loafers”
12. SALVATOR ROMANO Settles.
HIS LINE: (said slurred) “I’ve ner dumb these before eeeeeeither.”
13. BETTY makes a new friend at the supermarket, APRIL.
HER LINE: “Do You Listen to Cat Power?”
14. DON DRAPER watches SYVLIA play with her pussy.
HER LINE: (No line needed)
15. THE ENTIRE STAFF OF STERLING COOPER AND EVERY SINGLE SUPPORTING CAST MEMBER go to a party and meet their new favorite friend, who they all shower with hugs and accolades and several glasses of scotch and soda. He becomes their Truman Capote of sorts. They. Love. Him. More than they can ever say. The camera picks this up in their eyes. They all look aroused and delighted. His name is SEBASTIAN SLONE.
HIS LINE: “So then I walk right up to him, and I say ‘Freddy, you’re cut off.’ And he spits at me. Right in the eye. Luckily, I had these specs on. Cost me a pretty penny, too. Who ever said you can measure the worth of man by the distance of his spit. Right?
Lights a cigarette, addresses Joan without looking at her
Yes Joan, I’d love another drink. Betty, looking lovely as ever dollface. Sure Don, I’d love play golf! Move into your house? Oh I couldn’t. I have to get back to Poughkeepsie to take care of my mother. 95 years old and she’s still built like a racing horse…but with bigger teeth! I AM TERRIBLE, Harry, but at lease I didn’t cheat on my wife.
The whole room gets silent. Peggy gets up
Where are you going? To take take care of your kid?
Everyone looks down at their drink
We all know, Peggy. And we love ya for it! Good to know Pete’s not shooting blanks.
The all laugh, hysterically. The tension is broken. DON DRAPER picks SEBASTIAN up , holds him above the crowd and declares emphatically that BETTY and HE are adopting SEBASTIAN, as he is the ONLY thing that can make them a true family. SEBASTIAN lights a cigarette.
I better go…but I’ll see you all soon.
So, friends. Go and give me some stars. Do it for Sterling Cooper.