TOP CHEF RECAP: I Didn’t Realize Bachelor Parties Could Get This Crazy


Top Chef DiceThis is a recap of Top Chef Las Vegas Episode #2, entitled “The Wildest Bachelor Party That Ever Was Or Ever Will Be.” Spoilers ahead, including the sun, which spoiled a lot of food!!! Yes, the sun is ahead.

— Nothing says CRAZY VEGAS BACHELOR PARTY quite like hanging around one pool in the afternoon eating hors d’oeuvres ten feet away from your bride’s bachelorette party doing the exact same thing! WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS STAYS IN VEGAS OMG!!!! (They’ve now made it two episodes without saying this, which I cannot believe).

Top Chef Michael– Also, the people in the parties clearly weren’t going to be picky about the food. Could you imagine pounding tequila shots with friends around a pool in Vegas, then turning and being like “You know, I wasn’t totally getting the citrus in this octopus ceviche. Really disappointing.”

— I loved Jen’s complaint, “I hate this Battle of the Sexes – it doesn’t matter if you’re a boy or girl.” Well, yeah, but have you seen how frickin’ arbitrary the team divisions usually are?? Is Girls versus Boys really lamer than having Chefs randomly draw knives that say “Falcon,” “Neptune,” and “Neil Young”?

— Yes, it’s absurd that gay marriage is still illegal throughout most of this country, but that tantrum by Ashley was pretty unnecessary. “What do you mean, why am I mad? Because we’re being asked to make appetizers in a weekly Vegas-themed reality cooking show for two people celebrating a traditional fun precursor to a ceremony that most states do not allow our orientation to partake in!” Your challenge next week – create a dish based on one of Carrot Top’s rejected props. “Sure, no problem!”

After the jump, the Elimination Challenge VEGAS STYLE. Meaning, it is literally in the city of Las Vegas:

TC Heathcliff– Everyone seemed so helpless and baffled in the sun, with the same complaints repeated again and again; my friend Mike responded to the screen, “If only they were to invent some sort of lotion that was anti the sun, but sadly they do not have that…”

— I thought for sure Eli’s tuna tartare was destined for failure; it sounded like about the last thing I’d ever want to eat poolside on a 200 degree day served in handheld individual-catering form, but he pulled it off. Will it be enough to get him into this week’s Top Five? A lot of people care.

— Another necessary, content-tastic DVR-buster segment! Michael’s line, “You guys are like two pickles in a…pickle brine!” sounded like a joke I’d make, and I’m extremely annoying, trust me.

— Ashley made another classic Top Chef giveaway, when she mentioned in her testimonial about her panna cotta “I’m not really a pastry chef, not sure how this’ll turn out…” Is there a bigger red flag that someone’s going to screw up a dish than the “I’m not really a [BLANK]” comment, other than maybe adding corn starch at the last minute or using canned/frozen protein? No one’s ever like “I decided to make a soufflĂ©, even though I’ve never made one before” and had the judges be like “I can’t believe this isn’t your strong suit, it was so good!” Don’t make a frickin’ pastry, then! Do these people not read my weekly recaps?? I thought everyone in the country did.

Top Chef Cooking– After the bottom four left the Judges’ Table, Todd English suddenly commented “I thought Ashley’s watermelon was one of the best dishes of the night.” He then turned into the camera and dramatically added, “But I must nevah tell her…”

Eve was pretty clearly not going anywhere this season, and her dismissal was less shocking than a — what’s not shocking? — than a surge protector. Hey. Yo.

— After Padma’s “Please pack your knives and go” this week, my friend Nate blurted out maybe the most obvious joke ever that I honestly don’t believe I’ve ever actually thought of — “You are…the BOTTOM CHEF.”

— Next to go? Gotta be Jesse, unless someone murders Padma with a scallop or something, in which case, she’s gone the week after.

Top Chef Las Vegas Top 5 Brought To You By The New Glad Hotel And Casino:

Top Chef Mattin1) Kevin – This picture is out of focus, but his Quickfire dish was amazing-looking. Didn’t finish in the Top 4, but already impossible to imagine this guy not making it to the finals. [Ed Note – The Mattin picture to the right is unrelated to this Top 5. Can’t imagine why commenters were confused, it’s just an unexplained picture of a dude right next to another dude’s name.]

2) Brother Michael – Won the Quickfire, second in the Elimination; might not even need the Bravo “keep rivalry intact” producer cheat to go far this season.

3) Jen – The top three chefs all appear better than anyone from last season except Stefan, and the remainder of the field is infinitely stronger. (Carla made the finals?? Hosea WON??? Was that a season?)

4) Brother BryanThis song should play every time the brothers end up head-to-head.

5) Eli – Mostly avoided criticism in the first two weeks; doubt he can win it, but has “won’t F-up badly enough to lose for a while” written all over him.

— The clip for next week’s episode showed a bunch of U.S. soldiers clapping for the chefs for some reason. I’m looking forward to a speech, “Sure, everyone recognizes soldiers, but who are the real heroes? The answer is that the chefs are the real heroes. Let’s hear it for them.”

Top Chef Vegas Episode 2 thoughts? Predictions, favorite lines, favorite parts, favorite really shoehorned-in gay marriage tantrums — leave ‘em in the comments!

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