Coolio Performs at a Deli; Calls Audience “Alcoholics”; Immediately Asks For Tacos

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COOLIO TURKEYEverything written in the above headline is true.

Indeed, once at the peak of his craft, Coolio the mighty has fallen. And how. He was booked to perform at a Deli Zone in Longmont, Colorado. And believe it or not… it seems COOLIO OUTDID HIMSELF WITH SHOWMANSHIP.

A reviewer for the Colorado Daily puts together a Pulitzer-worthy piece documenting Coolio’s deli-side antics. Some highlights:

“Fantastic Voyage”, began with Coolio pretending as if he was driving a car and ended with him pretending he was crashing one. It was at least entertaining, while the rest of the set left a lot to be desired.

By left a lot to be desired, do you mean left nothing to be desired? Because watching Coolio fake-crash an invisi-car is the only thing I’ve ever desired. (I lead a very sad life.) It continues, geniously:

Highlights: Coolio’s stage banter. He called the audience “alcoholic [four-syllable expletives]” during a strange Michael Jackson tribute. He pretended to get shot at before “Gangsta’s Paradise” — and left between the verses. He had a strange bit where he asked the audience for tacos, Hennessy and gas money. He rapped that there “ain’t no party like a Longmont part ’cause a Longmont party don’t stop”. Well put, sir.

The following is intended without a bit of sarcasm, but Dear Coolio: Can you please schedule a performance at the BellyDeli on 46th and Broadway ASAP on the real? This show… it needs a road to be taken on, good sir.

And just in case we didn’t get the point the first time, the author makes quite sure that what we’re reading about actually happened:

Reminded me of: Nothing I’ve ever experienced. Hearing that Coolio was playing at a Deli Zone in Longmont was shocking. Coolio selling out a Deli Zone, telling the audience they are alcoholics, and pretending to be shot at during “Gangsta’s Paradise” was unbelievable.

That’s is some f**kin’ Mummenschanz sh*t right thurr.

Ahead, video of Coolio teaching the masses how to make salad. Seriously.

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