TOP CHEF LAS VEGAS RECAP: No Team Of All-Star French Chefs, But Here Are Fire Pits!

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This is a Recap of Top Chef Las Vegas, Season 6 Episode 5, entitled “We Sure Are Cooking On Fire Pits Now!” If you haven’t watched it yet, this Recap will spoil you worse than Mattin’s ceviche cooking technique.

Quaker CactusAshley pulled the ol’ “sensing my doom” plea for Top Chef sympathy, opening the show by congratulating her brother on his new child, then claiming she was raised on food stamps, and finally inserting a piece of paper saying “I HAVE CANCER-AIDS” into her dish for the Judges.

– Who voted cactus over rattlesnakes? What are you, Bravo, THE STATE OF FLORIDA IN THE 2000 ELECTION???? I have just received the Lifetime Achievement Award in Topical Satire in the middle of this bullet point. And I haven’t even gotten to my 20 minutes of sweet Elian Gonzalez material.

– How did Mike Isabella learn to cook overnight? Last week he was like, “Dahhhhhrrrrr, bear knees???” then in the Quickfire, he was describing the process to properly cure cactus. When did he touch that talent ball from SpaceJam?

Robin Jungle Book– How many of these goddamn chefs grew up in the woods?? Ashley grew up in a wooden jail or something, Mattin grew up in the French woods (which definitely don’t exist), and Robin is an “outdoor girl” from Idaho who “spent a month in the woods.” No further explanation, Robin? Just sorta wandered out into the woods and chilled there for a month?

– This week’s Bravo Team Player Award goes to Eli, for his happy exclamation “Where’s the keys to the Highlander? I’m sleeping in there! Cause it’s so comfortable and roomy, not to mention economical in these tough times we’re facing! And you can fit SO MUCH Swanson broth in the trunk!”

– I was hoping the Elimination Challenge twist would be that they’d have to cook for the Bunny Ranch, specifically the fat owner and his wife who sleep with everyone. Also instead of eating the food, they’d have sex with it.

After the jump, an Elmination Challenge that will the opposite of shock you! Put a surge protector onto you, or something.

Ron Cerrano– There were SO MANY BLEEPS when the chefs arrived at the tepees. Has anyone ever gotten that instantly angry from little cloth tents? “Whoa tepees f***ing motherf***er sh*tf**k! Also, ass!”

– Ron’s doing voodoo now? He’s an Indians uniform shy of literally becoming Pedro Cerrano. Then later, he was asking for a sword — is he gradually going back in time? Next week, is he just gonna be a literal dinosaur?

– Speaking of Ron, more advice to my future son, if he ever goes on Top Chef: Never make two dishes. The judges will always hate the second one and tell you how much better you would’ve done if you’d just stuck with one. Then my son will go “goo!” He’s one year old in this hypothetical.

– The Bravo Poll Question of the Week: Who would you want as a tentmate?

Ashley – 12%
Mattin – 16%
Getting Eiffel-Towered by the Voltaggio Brothers – 72%

Mattin Ceviche– Tom’s critique of Robin just kept getting more insulting as it went: “This isn’t really something you want to serve at a Ranch, or really anywhere. Also, your haircut doesn’t totally suit you, or really any non-fugly human being. Just my feedback.”

– Two best editing moments of the episode:

#1) In the Quickfire, Tim Love: “Did you have fun with the cactus?” Ron: “I did!” Tim: “I don’t give a sh*t!” (implied)

#2) In the Elimination, Tim: “This cocktail is terrible” (Cut to Ron dancing a jig)

– We’re really gonna have to wait two more weeks for Robin and Ron to get eliminated? They can’t throw in a Double Secret Probation “SUPER High Stakes Quickfire!” next week where everyone has one second to cook a dish then they just vote off Ron and Robin?

– Still, it was no surprise Mattin’s days were numbered after he finished in the bottom three during last week’s challenge, “Sing the French National Anthem.”

WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS TOP 5 STAYS IN VEGAS TOP 5

(I still can’t believe they haven’t said this quote yet. I’m starting to get antsy, like that SNL monologue where Cuba Gooding Jr. kept not saying “Show me the money”)

TC Whose Line1) Brother Brian – He’s won three Eliminations now, whoopee!

2) Brother Michael – The finale should be him and Brian battling in a Tan-Off. Wait, no, that’d be silly, it’s called Top Chef and it is a show about cooking, they’ll probably determine a winner by having them cook.

3) Jen – She’s the decent-looking girl in your college class who, because of the lack of better options, ends up looking really attractive by the end of the semester.

4) Kevin – Thanks to commenter Tam last week, he’s gonna be Yukon Cornelius for the rest of this competition / life.

Distant 5) Michael I – Moderate talent + A-holishness might be enough to keep him on ’til the end, though it’ll be a travesty if he beats out any of the above for a Finals spot.

Please Lose Already) Ron, Robin

– Seeing Toby Young on the scenes from next week was as instantly demoralizing as seeing A.J. Soprano on the “Next week on the Sopranos” segments. I’m guessing Toby returns to the Judges’ Table like Eddie Murphy returns to his vehicle in the movie “Metro”: With a bunch of pointless movie references.

Home on the range episode thoughts, people? Favorite quotes, favorite/least favorite parts, updated predictions, pre-emptive Toby Young angst? Leave it all in the comments!

Mattin Loses