It’s Like I’ve Been Waiting My Whole Life For This One Recap Of The Office Wedding

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Note: Michelle asked me to let you fine readers know that if it wasn’t for another wedding she had to attend today (her words: “a real one, with real alcohol”), she would have spent four hours gushing over how sweet The Office wedding episode was last night. She said it was Michael Scott crying that got her in the end.

Now, by the power vested in me as substitute Office recapper, let’s do this:

jim_pam_fallsSitcoms always walk a fine line when they do a wedding episode. It is usually a sappy cheesefest (I’m looking at you, Boy Meets World). Last night, though, the Dunder-Mifflin crew delivered what is not only one of the best TV weddings of all time, but one of the best episodes of The Office yet. It had everything: A vomit montage! A scrotal tearing! Tissue-box shoes! Escaped turtles! A reference to 1970’s key parties! And of course, it perfectly culminated with the moment every fan has waited forever to see, not matter how tired of the storyline they claim to be: Jim and Pam got married. It’s done. America wins. Now bring on the divorce storyline! [Note: Please don’t bring on the divorce storyline]

First, Jim and Pam had to be “that couple” and rudely ask their coworkers to give up their beloved deviled eggs and afternoon cigars for the sake of Pam’s unborn child. I’m guessing a lot of people out there watching couldn’t wipe away their tears at the end of the episode because they used all their tissues cleaning up their own projectile vomit. Weddings are gross sometimes. Next, the soon-to-be Halpert Family briefed their coworkers on wedding etiquette as though they were going on a 5th grade field trip. Not only are firecrackers in the “Don’t” column, but so is “crying.” By the way, thank god the coworkers didn’t follow #2 on the “Do” list (more on that at the end).

michael_pantsOf course this wedding isn’t about the Dunder Mifflin staff. It’s about Michael Scott. Hey Jim, any man who ties full cans of soda to back of his car and writes “Going to wedding” deserves to give a speech at your rehearsal dinner. That is tradition, man. While this wedding is the most important day in Michael Scott’s life, it’s also a chance to get some tail. Michael should have at least TRIED Dwight’s intel on former bicycle-enthusiast Jocelyn Webster. It never occurred to me to pick up chicks based on knowledge of what they once tried to sell on Craig’s List. It would make a great story to tell the kids (or Inside Edition). Unfortunately Michael never booked a room for the wedding. You can’t blame the guy, though. Between painting a nude picture of the happy couple and writing that hilarious bit about Smart cars, Michael had a lot to do.

andy_1Meanwhile the Nard-dog just can’t seem to catch a break with new secretary Erin. She’d be perfect for him, what with smelling like his mom and all. She won’t sit up front in the car, and stupid Kevin switched seats with her at the rehearsal dinner. To add horrendously painful injury to insult, he tore his sack while busting out some sick, sick dance moves and had to miss the rest of his legendary throwdown. The guy booked the wedding suite for the first night and never got to break in the bed for the happy couple. What a letdown. I am hopeful, though, that Erin’s concern for his wang at the ceremony is the beginning of the next great Office romance.

dwight_hookupDwight, on the other hand, seems to suddenly exist in this bizzaro universe where Pam’s hot dental hygienist best friend is head-over-heels smitten with a men who wears wolf t-shirts, has the kids table enraptured with stories of office politics, and makes sliders out of living horses. Poor Michael couldn’t use the bathroom for a day a half because Dwight was going “bumpkin” picking (but God forbid he use Tobey’s bathroom).

Michael does manage to save the day as only he can when he talks Pam’s Mema out of leaving the wedding over the pregnancy. I think it was this line that won her over: “Women go out, michael_painting and they have sex and they get wild and they take their tops off and they have pictures taken of them and we need to encourage that. It’s part of life.” He did also promise her the baby would be named Silvio Halpert (if it’s a boy), but we’ll deal with that later in the season. Things start coming up Scott when he least expects it. Pam’s mother, enraged at her ex-husband for bringing some trollop to the wedding, suddenly sees her daughter’s boss as a viable wedding hook up. My prediction that will not come true: Michael will become Jim’s father-in-law.

Let’s move on to the reason we are gathered here today: Jim and Pam finally getting hitched, damnit. Jim’s speech at the rehearsal dinner pretty much screwed over any guy getting married in the next five years. Who could compete with that sincerity? It was the perfect encapsulation of why we all care about Jim and Pam in the first place even though it’s just some TV comedy. Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic who dreams of marrying his secretary one day (P.S., remind me to hire a secretary). Of course, Jim goes on to blow it and spill the beans that Pam is pregnant. Kudos to The Office writers for this line: “Is there something about being a manager that makes you say stupid things?”

jim_scissorsAmidst all the antics of the other characters, Pam’s struggle on her own wedding day almost gets lost until the very end. Her grandma is ashamed of her, her mom is replete with jealousy, her best friend wants Dwight, and of course she knows way too much about Andy’s balls. Finally, when her veil rips, everything comes back in to perspective. It’s Pam’s day, after all, but Jim doesn’t hesitate to cut off his tie for her. It’s a small gesture that spoke volumes again about why we care about this couple. They skip off to Niagra Falls and have their own private ceremony due to the maritime law loophole that the captain of a ship has the power to preside over a wedding. Sea captains have all the fun.

With all that romantic crud out of the way, we viewers are given the greatest gift of all: THE MOTHER F-ING AWESOME DANCE NUMBER. I don’t care if that YouTube video is played out or if it broke Jim’s “Do” rule #2… this was the best part of this entire episode:

So there you have it. The Office wedding. I don’t know how the rest of the season can live up to this one, but I’ll be there watching. Some closing thoughts on this episode:

-My favorite line was probably Mema saying “That horrible Charlie Rose.”

-My second favorite line was Dwight saying “In 1996 her high school volleyball team went 10-2.”

-I hope someone dresses up as wedding Kevin for Halloween. You just need a toupee, a sizeable gut, two tissue box shoes, and a complimentary breakfast. Get on it.

-I will never ever use the ice from a hotel vending machine ever again.

Finally, I’m going to make a million billion dollars selling this t-shirt:

dwight-shirt