Here are two words you are 100 percent definitely sick of hearing: Balloon Boy. Yes, the child named Falcon Heene who took the media by storm after the world believed him to be afloat in an alien balloon somewhere over the Midwest was an international sensation. Tweeters couldn’t hash tag #balloonboy quickly enough, while eagle eyed locals were convinced they literally saw a boy fall out of the balloon. Wolf Blitzer couldn’t slide things across his CNN touchscreen quickly enough. And if you were a balloon expert? Well buckle the f**k up because this is the day you’ve been waiting for your entire life. For a few hours, we as a nation prayed for his survival.
Then. They found him. “Sleeping” “in” “a” “box” “in” “the” “attic”. (“‘s denote blogger skepticism.) And out from the woodwork the shadiness came. The father was a maniac weather chaser from Colorado who appeared as “Deranged Lunatic #1″ on an episode of ABC’s Wife Swap. He once claimed to have found life on Mars. His boys appeared in a music video about “pussification”, throwing down Isaiah Washington ‘ favorite F-word like it was no big thang.
Then, in the family’s first official media blooper, a huge slip up. Balloon Boy revealed in front of Jeopardy’s most losingest celebrity contestant Wolf Blitzer that he “did this for a show”. Get your toilet paper brellas out for the following sh*tstorm. Was it a hoax? Could this spotlight seeking parent have fooled the entire world with an admittedly brilliant spectacle? Suddenly, this adorable boy in a balloon was emerging as something else entirely: An adorable boy forced into doing stupid, dangerous things at the whim of a madman. His own father Richard Heene. For God’s sake… the kid wasn’t even allowed to vomit in privacy.
We’ll stop for a moment to point out some good that came out of this shady ass balloon boy situation. Namely, that the good people of the internet got to work quickly to create some hilarious memes, most of which are documented over at Urlesque.com. Though our favorite one has to be this rarely seen CSI Miami Meme:
You can read more Balloon Boy memes which made their way to Australia here.
We had a sneaking suspicion from the beginning that this story was just too good a media fodder to be true. Taken with the above facts — especially that David Caruso cartoon — we are almost 100 percent convinced that Balloon Boy has punk’d the globe. And it’s a good thing the kid is cute, because can you imagine if he wasn’t? If he was some plain looking, ugly, buck-toothed kid? WE WOULD BE FURIOUS!! But look at him:
You could eat him up! That is, until he turns 16 and succumbs to a life full of heroin, booze, and ladies.
But let us tell you what we CANNOT forgive. It’s pretty clear that Richard Heene, Dad, is a mentally ill d-bag from space. That being said, the man had the nerve — THE NERVE!!! — to pass gas in front of America’s Princess, Diane Sawyer, on Good Morning America today. As comedian and blogger Jon Friedman points out, at around the 5:00 mark, there is noticeable leg lift, and a definite, albeit tiny, fart.
CHILD SERVICES GET ON THIS STAT.