“The Twilight Saga: New Moon” Soundtrack: Not For the Suicidal

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new moon cdThere is perhaps no worse feeling in the world than being left behind when it comes to pop culture phenomenons. Unfortunately, when you his a certain age — say, 22 and above — certain international entertainment phenomenon become harder to grasp. Such is the case with the Twilight series, which began as a best-selling series of books (“Like The Da Vinci Code… For Kids!”), and morphed into a multi-billion dollar film franchise. Whether we liked it or not, a day did not go boy with Edward Cullen/Robert Pattison references raining down upon us from heaven itself.

And while a few co-workers swore that the books/movies were incredible, was still have never read a single Twilight book nor seen the film. Much like the series Lost, it seemed overwhelming to delve in so late in the game. And on top of it, we had absolutely zero interest in subjecting ourselves to any of it. (The real issue, as it were.)

But last night, we took our first baby step into the world of Twilight, dipping our toe into the ice cold blood lake that is the film’s sequel, The Twilight Saga: New Moon which according to this article, is “about losing true love”. Fantastic. The film’s soundtrack was released at 12 am last night, and immediately shot to the #1 position on Itunes. And we busted $14.99 of our own cash to take a listen. What follows is “The Twilight Saga: New Moon Soundtrack”: A Newbie’s Review. You can follow along with this free soundtrack stream. We look forward to seeing the comments section explode.

1. “Meet Me On The Equinox” Death Cab For Cutie Forgive me in advance, but I sort of have a problem when “songs” are written without “melodies.” Hence, “Meet Me On The Equinox” isn’t so much a “song” as it is “spoken word by a rich white guy.” This song could conveniently also be used in the upcoming Heathers remake, as the lyric “everything, everything ends” sort of sums up that whole movie nice and quick.

new moon cd 42. “Friends” Band Of Skulls: Slightly repetitive baseline followed with quite the cocky chorus — “My friends are all so beautiful” repeated sad infinitum. What if “our friends aren’t beautiful”, Band of Skulls? How am I supposed to enjoy this tune knowing I hang around with gaggles of the city’s most hideous? Is this what today’s kids enjoy? Cocky assh*les.

3. “Hearing Damage” Thom Yorke Our favorite Robot after Rosie on The Jetsons is back with a new song, this time aiming his digital sounds plucked from thin air at a new batch of the world’s teens. Radiohead was our first foray into “cool” bands back in high school, and we’ve followed their/Thom’s career religiously ever since. And to his credit, this is one of only a handful of songs that didn’t give us a splitting headache on this entire soundtrack. For those too poor to afford the soundtrack, turn on your old timey radio and switch in between the channels a lot. That’s basically it.

4. “Possibility” Lykke Li I’ve never heard of Lykke Li before. But judging by her voice, we’re thinking she’s a slightly re-re 14 year old Japanese girl. Right? (Googling.) Oh, she’s a quirky Swede. Same difference, really. If listening to unintelligible Nordic baby talk is “your thang”, get on your knees and thank the Lord for Lykke Li. While it’s not my cup of neckblood, I could definitely see myself falling for a local goth to this tune.

5. “A White Demon Love Song” The Killers Sort of forgettable, but thankfully has, you know, a “melody”. Didn’t want to blow my brains out after listening to it, so 10/10.

6. “Satellite Heart” Anya Marina It’s no Tasmin Archer’s “Sleeping Satellite”, but it’s a nice effort by Ms. Marina. Would make good “Crying in a Bubble Bath” music.

7. “I Belong To You [New Moon Remix]” Muse To be fair, I’m a Muse fan, so judge me as you may. “I Belong To You” is one of the better songs on Muse’s new album, and this “remix” is barely a change from the original… only that they actually took out the most fun part (where singer Matt Bellamy woos the listener in French with “Mon Cœur S’ouvre À Ta Voix”). A keeper still, but make sure to listen to the original.

8. “Rosyln” Bon Iver & St. Vincent I have no idea what the f**k is going on in this song. More depressed guitar strumming, and some terrifying lady clown voices singing over it. It’s like musical heroin withdrawal.

new moon cd 39. “Done All Wrong” Black Rebel Motorcycle Club THIS ALBUM IS SO F**KING DEPRESSING SERIOUSLY. IS THIS GOOD FOR TODAY’S YOUTH?

10. “The Happening” Diana Ross We kid. We wish.

10. “Monsters” Hurricane Bells Every song on the album sounds the same.

11. “The Violet Hour” Sea Wolf A sweet tune also about lovely things. If we were ever to make a sequel to Juno or Away We Go or some equally whimsical film, this would certainly be our trailer music. Then again, it’s easily forgettable. We could be listening to this while waiting for our Starbucks lattes and spend more time focusing on the line of homeless people waiting to sh*t in the bathroom than this tune. That being said… it’s enjoyable.

12. “Shooting The Moon” Ok Go This song has a loud, marching band drum being beat through its entirety, nicely echoing the universal heart palpitations heard whenever Robert Pattinson flashes his tight British grimace on movie screens across the globe. If you are prone to migraine headaches, “Shooting the Moon” will make you want to “Shoot Your Own Brains Out and Eat Them for Supper.”

13. “Slow Life [with Victoria Legrand]” Grizzly Bear: What is this, the soundtrack to Indie-ana Jones? Well, that pun has made this particular review lose all credibility, but we won’t let that stop us. “Slow Life” is the perfect soundtrack to slit your own wrists to. Which we think is the point. So lap it up, younguns.

14. “No Sound But The Wind” Editors: One of the best songs on the album. Nice and flowy, like a silky Bea Arthur robe that you want to walk on the beach in. Lead singer Tom Smith’s voice is soothing like a warm mug of hot choco made especially by Alan Thicke.

15. “New Moon [The Meadow]” Alexandre Desplat I’m a sucker for simple, pretty piano tunes. Hence, I enjoyed this. I am also “dorky”.

Overall? If you’re on the verge of committing suey — do NOT buy this album as it will put you over the edge. It’s one lazy sad tuneless tune after another, with bits of goodness here and there. Overall, on a scale from A to Z, we give this one a J.