This is a Recap of Top Chef Season 6, Episode 9, the “Restaurant Wars” episode. I wanted to call it “Restaurant BORES” or “Restaurant WHORES,” but it was a pretty good episode, and also there weren’t whores in it.
– Blank knives with two of them saying “First Choice” and “Second Choice”?? What happened to knives that say “Rutabaga”, “Shoehorn”, and “Dennis Quaid”? (“When I drew ‘Dennis Quaid’ I wuz like, whoa!”)
— The relay-race Quickfire was legitimately creative and exciting, though, and was one of those occasional “Oh, this show can be awesome sometimes” moments. It would’ve been more awesome if Robin used her ten minutes to literally just take a dump on her team’s partially completed meal.
— I love when the show has a “BLEEP” when there’s no one on the screen. They couldn’t just cut it? They have to let you know that during the exterior shot of the Whole Foods someone happened to swear?
— Also, the line “Let’s go to the M Resort” was uttered by NOBODY, it was just recorded some other time and dropped over footage of the chefs leaving the house when no one’s mouth was visible, clearly to appease the M people and their demanding Chairman.
– CONTROVERSY!!! Laurine tried to steal Robin’s revelatory SPARKLING WATER idea, but Robin was having none of it. In response, Robin stole Laurine’s idea to put the food on top of the plates rather than underneath.
— Why is Jen always so GD nervous and busy when Tom stops by? She’s like that person at your job where you swing by their desk to ask if they want to grab lunch and they always say they’re “just way waaaay too busy,” and you’re like, “um, I also work here, but…never mind.”
— Jen also delivered the quote of the night: “[BLEEP]. We’re [BLEEP]ed.”
— Restaurant Names More Appetizing Than “REVOLT”
- Tastes Like Shi
After the jump, both Voltaggio Brothers get eliminated (SPOILER!!!)
– Revolt was clearly the winning restaurant, but again, Bravo, have you EVER considered switching up the order in which the winners and losers are announced? There’s no bigger waste of tv time than the tense close-ups at the Judge’s Table before Padma announces “Congratulations, you are the winning team.” The first team is ALWAYS the winning team. Bravo, we don’t Men In Black flashy-thing ourselves in between episodes, we KNOW the first team is the winning team, the silence before the announcement isn’t suspenseful, it’s a waste of time. Just cut the fake suspense altogether or announce the losers first sometimes.
I’m just now realizing that I’m more passionate about this than any other single cause. It’s not sad – that’s better than not being passionate about anything, right? Don’t answer that.
— Ever notice how inorganic and annoying the cheering sound effect underneath the Bravo Poll result is?
– Brother Michael wins and splits his prize money with his team, even Robin, despite a bunch of Producers’ voices offscreen whispering “NO NO, KEEP THE MONEY, WE’RE TRYING TO MAKE YOU A JERK / INTERESTING!” Fortunately, a producer grabs Bryan before he gets back to the waiting room and convinces him to act like a jerk by refusing his brother’s generosity. We still know they’re both robots, Bravo, but we really appreciate the effort.
— Laurine loses, because she’s not good and Kevin and Jen are good and Michael Isabella didn’t do anything bad this week.
— You could tell Laurine was getting eliminated before the episode began. Before the season began, even. Before the concept of television as a form of illusory movement powered by electricity was a human ideal, even.
— Laurine’s post-elimination quote: “I’m a rock, but sometimes even rocks rock too hard, like when I listen to Rock N’ Roll all night and watch Rocky in the Rocky Mountains. And I eat that ice cream flavor, butter pecan. What? Yeah, butter pecan, what should I have said?”
YOU CAN’T SPELL “POWER RANKINGS” WITHOUT SOME OF THE LETTERS FROM “SEATTLE’S BEST”:
1) Michael Voltaggio
2) Bryan Voltaggio
Next To Go: Robin, Eli, Michael I.
— NEXT WEEK ON TOP CHEF: Natalie Portman has just one request, but it makes everyone go “HOLY MOTHER SH*TF**K!!!!!!” Maybe she asks everyone to listen to the dialogue from Attack of the Clones while cooking? Nah, no one was stabbing themselves, has to be something less extreme. We’ll see.
Episode thoughts? Favorite Parts? Predictions? Exclamations of shock that Laurine didn’t win the Season? Leave ‘em in the comments.