Stephen Colbert Sponsors U.S. Speedskating Team In Biggest Thing To Happen To Speedskating Since Invention Of Speedskating


Stephen Colbert SpeedskatingIn the best idea to ever happen to the sport of speedskating, and possibly the sport of ever, Stephen Colbert’s Colbert Nation will be the official sponsor of the U.S. Olympic Speedskating team for the 2010 Winter Games in Vancouver. Colbert Nation members are being encouraged to donate to the U.S. team, and in exchange, the team will wear “Colbert Nation” logos on their uniforms:

“On their enormous, billboard thighs, it will say, ‘Colbert Nation,”‘ Colbert said in an interview before Monday evening’s taping. “Be looking for that logo as it comes around the final turn. It will be easy to see because it will be in first place…”

“My character sees the Olympics as war, but nobody gets hurt,” Colbert said. “It’s a way to peacefully figure out who has got the top country.”

“It still tragically involves a lot of Canadians,” the comedian said. “It’s kind of unseemly how many Canadians I’m going to have to be dealing with.”

I was going to write that it’s the biggest thing to happen to speedskating since [BLANK], but couldn’t even think of a stock, go-to speedskating thing to complete that lazy joke. Plus I’m sure this idea is actually better than whatever that sentence-completing thing would have been.

Plus when Colbert Nation throws its weight behind something, that thing wins, with no exceptions. Just ask Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle.

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