People Magazine has revealed their Top 15 Sexiest Men Alive. Not on the list? Perhaps the sexiest actor out there, Mad Men‘s Jon Hamm. Allow us to walk you through this list, analyzing each of the lucky Top 15, and grading them the only way we know how… with Hamms.
15. Robert Pattinson. It was inevitable that RPattz would be on this list. In fact, we’re surprised he’s clocked in so low. It goes without saying that a photo of the Twilight star = Big $$$ for the magazine. We’ll reward People‘s decision to play it safe with an extra Hamm.
14. John Legend This is a pretty surprising choice. Legend is certainly one of the most adorable, puppy-faced guys out there. But it’s his crooning that pushes him from “cute neighbor” to “please father my children.” So far, people seems off to a good start.
The list continues ahead. And yes… we did give someone HALF A HAMM.
13. Jerry O’Connell. The above picture has officially given us Cushlash. O’Connell has managed to stay in the spotlight following his My Secret Identity days by using the one two punch of having a great sense of humor and marrying a supermodel. We like him because even with all these bells and whistles, he doesn’t seem to full of himself. (See: Above picture in Speedos.) Then again, is he the 13th Sexiest Man in the World? Sexier than Jon Hamm?
12. Chris Daughtry. No. Even when he’s covering Gaga. No. On a scale of 1 to 5 Hamms, we give this: HALF A HAMM.
10. Adam Lambert. Soooo…. hi. Lambert is one of our favorite people to come out of 2009 – pun half intended. We love him more than we love certain family members of ours. (And if those particular people in Hungary and/or Israel are reading… JK?) He’s easily clocking in at 5 Hamms in our book. That being said, while the above photo is adorable, there are pah-leeeenty of others they could have chosen that evoke Lambert’s undeniable sexiness in a clearer way. For that, we’re docking half a Hamm, but that’s really on People Magazine‘s head.
9. Nick Cannon. Not our style. Looks like a 7 year old with a pituitary gland problem. Also, married Mariah Carey, who is old enough to be one of the original signers of the Declaration of Independence. Funny? Maybe. Sexy? Hale no.
8. The Glee Guys. This seems unfair. You can’t just group three guys into one photo and include them in the same number. It’s 15 Sexiest MEN Alive, not Sexiest Casts. And speaking of casts, where are the rest of the Glee men? Kurt & Artie? Principal Figgins? Just for that, we’re giving People Magazine an automatic Half-a-Hamm for lack of detail.
But because we are sticklers for rules, we shall assign their Hamm-rating individually:
Cory Monteith, Finn: Cute, in a doofus kind of way. But that above photo? Why? If we’re being honest, even though we love the guy, we’re giving him:
Matthew Morrison, Will Schuester: Handsome? Yes. But the rapping… the rapping… has ruined… everything.
Mark Salling, Puck: Clearly…
7. Gilles Marini. Don’t really know anything about him. Don’t really need to.
6. David Beckham. Sure, he’s sexy. But isn’t he sort of over? Aren’t we all kind of sick of him? It would be nice to see some new sports faces among the Sexiest. Beckham is hot, yes, but a robot.
5. Robert Downey Jr. Love him. He could be 90 and still be A-OK on this list.
4. Bradley Cooper. See, this is why the folks at People have really done mussed things up. Bradley Cooper would have been a great choice for the Sexiest Man Alive. He’s been in a bunch of hit films, he’s tall, strapping, hot as ess, has dated his fair share of actresses, and in comparison to some of the folks on this list, is a fresh face. But #4? After Jake G, who hasn’t been in anything ALL YEAR? BOO ON YOU, PEOPLE. But back to Bradley… <3
3. Jake Gyllenhaal. Look, we like Jake Gyllenhaal. He’s a great guy! And we know he has no say over these sorts of lists, and probably hates being on them, and probably hates his publicist for putting him on them. That being said, we are here to judge this list. Sadly, we are forced to give JG the following rating, because really, there are other people who deserve to be on here…
2. Ryan Reynolds. The Proposal was our favorite comedy of the year. He was half the reason.
1. Johnny Depp. Sigh. J-Depp. Great guy, smart, strange, etc etc. Not really sure if he has any teeth, though. And almost POSITIVE he reeks of B.O. (Even you Johnny Depp defenders out there can attest to his obvious musk.) A great actor, certainly, someone who will continue to break box office records for many years. That being said, we just can’t get behind this ruling. So we’re being extra harsh with this one…
Agree or Agree to Disagree? Feel free to express your feelings in the comments.