MTV pretty much just went Christopher Nolan on everyone last night. Even if you stopped caring about the channel’s reality shows long ago, you have to admit Jersey Shore was the Batman Begins of the reality genre. Yea, I said it. This was The Real World: Reboot. Disagree with me and I’ll Snooki Punch you in the face.
(Note: If you are unfamiliar with that term, watch this clip from the preview of the rest of the season. You’ll be hooked. And probably horrified.)
I wanted to hate the people on this show (and they sure gave me a garbage bag suitcase full of reasons to), but after last night’s two hour premiere, I can’t help but love them. I would rather be forced to spend an entire summer with the “guidos” and “guidettes” of Jersey Shore than one afternoon with anyone on The Hills. For as much hair gel and fake tanner the Jersey crew use, you can’t manufacture personas like that. Granted, if I was in that house, I would most likely be ground in to a protein shake within twenty minutes for referencing How I Met Your Mother or something.
[More fist pumping after the jump]
The first ten minutes or so were actually pretty standard reality show fare. The cast threw out a bunch of producer-scripted lines about what it means to be a Jersey Shore guido and how much they were going to party. I almost turned it off here. “Being a guido means fist pumping while tanning your hair!” or something along those lines. We get it. Soon though, we learned that these loveable creatures have lives and families and dreams and goals and… ok they mostly wanted to party. But it got better. The housemates have to hold down a job apparently in order to live in the house. Give a guido a Jersey Shore house and he’ll party for a summer, but TEACH a guido to shore house, and he’ll… probably get some kind of venereal disease. Also, what exactly did landlord/boss Danny mean when he said, “You’ll be doing a little bit everything for me from selling t-shirts to *stalking* to cleaning.” Stalking? Did I hear that right?
As for the housemates, you have four guys and four girls, which by my calculations means there should be zero drama and every one should be easily matched up with someone else without any fights or arguments, right? Maybe in a perfect world, but this is Jersey. Off the bat, Mike aka “The Situation” was smitten with Sammi “Sweetheart.” They were totally meant for each other, or to use the preferred nomenclature, they were “vibing.” The way they prepared that sausage and peppers dinner together? America definitely had its new Ross and Rachel.
It was not to be, however. The long, two day romance of The Situation and Sweetheart blew up like Pauly D’s hair. By the end of the episode, she ran to the perennially shirtless Ronnie (seriously that dude did not wear a shirt once in two days).
The Situation tried to rebound and hook up with some classy boardwalk ladies they picked up on the walk home from the bar, but self proclaimed C-blocker and alleged cheater Angelina ruined everyone’s good time.
Angelina also made a huge deal about how some random chicks took off their thongs in the hot tub and now the water is unsanitary. Last time I checked, thongs aren’t some air-tight bio-shield. Go cheat on your boyfriend again with that guy who I’m pretty sure was Lennie from “Of Mice and Men” in an Ed Hardy t-shirt. Pauly D was right to call you out for having garbage bags for suitcases. Have some class, lady.
Meanwhile, her Royal Highness Snooki, the Princess of Poughkeepsie, is going through some real emotional baggage after getting bombed on the first night, which was only made worse by the fact that she is being tormented by an evil duck-shaped telephone. Ol’ Snickers wanted to leave after being a drunken mess, then decided to stay, then found her future Prince of Poughkeepsie at the club. Even after he puked on the roof, she walked him home. That’s love, man. That’s love.
Then there is Jwoww. I expected big things (and not just her boobs) from her based on her pre-scripted intro. She already cheated on her boyfriend with Pauly D, so now that that plotline is neatly out of the way, we better see plenty of fights out of her. Also, when describing this show to my friend Kenny, he said “Snookie? Jwoww? Are you sure you weren’t watching Star Wars.” He has a point (again, statements like this would get me drowned in the hot tub).
Finally, Vinny got pink eye. It wasn’t very contagious. Look, sometimes life deals you a minor case of pink eye. Lessons are being learned here, people.
Needless to say, I’m 100% on board with this show. It was worlds better than any portrayal of fake d-bags in many YouTube sketches out there. I will sleep better at night knowing the Jersey Shore guidos and guidettes are out there, partying shirtless for all of us. They’re not the heroes we need, but they’re the heroes we deserve.