*According to Barbara Walters.
Last night, television legend Barbara Walters revealed her list of the 10 Most Fascinating People of 2009. Part of the list had been revealed already, and parts were secret (namely, the most fascinating person.) And because we are nothing if not professional journalists, I sat through the entire episode, recording my thoughts live on each and every fascinating specimen Barbara put under her microscope. What follows is an extremely unthorough look at this yearly delight.
Before we get into the list, let us all agree that Barbara is looking fantastic in her black velvet (Is it velvet? We think it’s velvet) skirt suit. Nice half turn at the beginning Barb! Subtle and, dare I say, sensual…
10. Lady Gaga: #10? Under Glenn Beck? Let’s just assume they’re kickin’ it off big style. And holy ess, are they ever. There they walk, arm in arm, Gaga and Barb. Gaga looks like Norma Desmond at the end of Sunset Boulevard. She is one turban and a monkey away from drowning in a pool of her own sorrow. Wearing an admittedly beautiful black Chanel suit,we couldn’t help but note that she also sported the very same glasses worn by Dwayne Wayne in a Diff’rent World (why didn’t she flip them up, WHY?) My love for Gaga is endless, truly, and I appreciate that she classed her crotchless act up for Lady Wawa. Then, BARBARA SAYS BLUFFIN WITH MY MUFFIN. This is a victory, though I’m not really sure why. We all won something at this moment. And hold on… did Baba Wawa just ask Lady Gaga out on a date? We think yes. And we say go for it ladies. You’ll have beautiful, 900 year old mummified babies together.
9. Jenny Sanford, South Carolina’s First Lady: The thing about Governor Mark Sanford is he was born with a creep’s face. Sadly, Jenny Sanford did not sense this when making her vows oh so long ago. We like the subtle Christian buttons on her blazer. Barbara claims that this woman is fascinating but frankly, I’d rather see her interview Elliot Spitzer’s sex socks. Is the interview worthwhile? Sorta. MOST FASCINATING OF 2009. Get that ish right outta my face and get Sandy B-Lock on the phone.
8. Tyler Perry: Here we go. Gettin’ to the good stuff. America’s favorite drag act, Tyler Perry. I’m just gonna say it: I’ve always been weirded out by his leeeeyups. Glad that’s out of the way. Here is where I will admit something shameful: I have never seen a single Tyler Perry movie. I know!! I’m the worst. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’ve had plenty of people reenact them for me in full while out at a bar, where the beating scenes get a big awkward. Point being, a lot of this interview is lost on me. Well, everything but his mention that his mother always wanted to be MISS CHANCELLOR. And gurl, if you do not know who this woman is, then you clearly do not know a gay man. Or Tyler Perry. (Separate things.)
7. Kate Gosselin: You might not like Kate, but you can’t deny that she’s been one of the most fascinating people of the year. Because, as far as I know, there is no special called the 10 Most Fascinating Birth Canals of 2009, so we settle for this. And what do we even say about this phony bitch? He’s awful, she’s awful, everybody loses and nobody wins. Especially America, who should as a country file for joint custody of those adorable children because, technically, this is all our fault country. Also, is it just me, or has Kate put her eyes through the ol’ “Asia-o-matic.” They’re so cat shaped! Wait wait wait wait. Hol’ the eff. UP.
KATE GOSSELIN IS GETTING HER OWN TALK SHOW?
Lethal injections, don’t fail me now.
6. Glenn Beck. Glenn Beck’s head is the human equivalent of corned beef and cabbage. I realllllllllly hate this guy’s face. It’s like the Tempur-Pedic® people made their own mattress Golem. On the plus side, Barbara’s bangs look fabulous. And it is here we learn that Glenn was a child magician. A magician!! How much better would the world be if Glenn Beck was a MAGICIAN? Answer: It would be much better. It’s all very sad about his Mother (who died when he was only 13), but it does sort of explain a lot of those anger issues. Also, Great Guy Alert Ladies: When his first wife stopped him from drinking himself to death, he sobered up. Then promptly got divorced and married someone else. Fascinating indeed.
SIDE NOTE: Is Barbara filming a separate show called “The 10 Most Fascinating Dramatic Camera Turns” tonight? Because if so, well played. She could have filmed an hour of only segues and dramatic turns and I would have been psyched.
Top 5 after the jump:
5. Adam Lambert. Ah, what delicious brain sorbet this is following the course that is Beck. Lambert’s segment opens with his performance at the AMAs, because that is how we have to define him for the immediate time being. A 4 minute performance where he kissed a dude. OMG and these baby photos of heeeyummmm? (voice getting really high) As a little cowboy (voice super high now) and at Sea World? Gurrwl, did Tyler Perry produce this segment? Because it is Preciiiooouuus. Barbara says Adam topped himself with every Idol performance, and hot gay imagery aside, the footage reminds us (dramatic turn) that this is the truest statement ever spoken. He handles her sexuality questions in his signature blunt, matter of fact way (“Yes, I am a homosexual. Deal with it.”) that dare we say turned that ol’ dusty broad on a little bit? Oh, we dare. The segment was short and sweet and didn’t tell us anything we didn’t already know. Barbara’s last words: “What a voice!” Hopefully not her actual last living words, because that would be haunting.
4. Brett Favre: OK, Barbara’s segue needs to be addressed for this next one. She says “And now an admission: What I know about football can fit inside a Baseball. Catcher’s. Mitt. (dramatic turn).” THIS IS WHY SHE IS THE QUEEN. I actually know very little about Brett’s history, so for once during this special I am sitting, chin in hand, eyes giant and anime, listening. Y’all, I had no idea about this man’s bravery. Y’alllllluh somethin’ tells me I’ve got a new 2010 crushhhhh. Also, did Brett even meet Barbara? What did I just watch, exactly? Looks like this interview didn’t (wait for it) GO LONG (nailed it).
3. Sarah Palin: This is Sarah Palin’s second year on this list. And I think this opening sentence from Ms. Walters really sums things up nicely: “If all goes according to plan, Sarah Palin will be at a Costco tonight in Nevada.” The fact that she’s selling her book there is not the point. The plan is that she’s going to a Costco in Nevada. And for the first time in HISTORY we as a nation identify with her because, hey, we all love Costco, right? Sarah has gone with her “extra square glasses” tonight, because there are no wrong angles, only right ones. Her hair, thankfully, looks better than that hellacious ‘do she had on Oprah. Very little is discussed. Her kids, etc. They end the interview talking about Moose Chili. Barbara asks to never be invited over. This seems like a fair compromise.
2. The Jackson Children. Oh, this will be sad. Michael Jackson‘s kids are frighteningly perfect looking. Paris will a drop dead gorgeous adult, and if Breaking Dawn is to be filmed in about 5 years time, Prince Michael would make an excellent Jacob. So would Blanket for that matter. They showed Paris’ speech at Michael’s funeral, otherwise known as the saddest moment of the year. So yes, a sobering moment in tonight’s special.
1. Michelle Obama. This was the big reveal – the MOST FASCINATING PERSON OF 2009. And who could be a better candidate than our stunning and brilliant First Lady Michelle Obama. So how does Barb intro her? Simple: “I was recently told I should pick this next woman for Most Fascinating for her arms alone! (dramatic turn)” GEEN E. US. Michelle is shown with a tasteful if not Bram Stokery updo and a fabulous outfit as always. Well she is just so charming. And her legs are so shiny! Looks like someone got a jar of Gwyneth Paltrow’s “Goop” in the mail. She explains that she got resentful of Barack for always finding time to work out, and sort of blames him for her fabulous arms. She then talks about living in the White House, and thankfully there is no mention of Moose Stew.
(All photos via ABC)