Jersey Shore: Pickles Is My Thing, Indeed.

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Where we watch MTV’s Jersey Shore for the betterment of mankind, and then rank our favorite housemates in order from worst to best according to gender. Beginning with…

JERSEY SHORE ORANGE CRUSH

The Guys:

4. The Situation. This guy is the worrrrst. Forgetting the fact, for a moment, that he looks like Willy Lopez in Ghost (“303 Prospect Place? That’s my neighborhood…”), his attitude is beyond horrendous. Why? Because clearly, he is a supernova of insecurity. The guy looks like Droopy the F**king Dog with a 6-pack (even more disturbing) and I’m supposed to believe he can get any woman he wants? Did he invent roofies? Because that would be the only way I’d believe it. Anyway, he spends most of the episode moping around the house about how Sam has ditched him for Ronnie, and how they had “something.” That “something” was a quick bar makeout, which in Sammi’s world ranks somewhere on the necessities scale between “putting olive oil in your hair” and “wiping.” The only situation happening here is that of spooning the toilet depression.

3. Vinnie. By far the most intentionally hilarious of the guys. Sadly, because he is not in the business of giving young ladies HPV, he gets less screentime than the other houseboys. He also wears adorable glasses. What’s not to love about Vinnie?

JERSEY SHORE PAULY D JOY BUZZER

2. Pauly D. We love Pauly. Hard to explain, but he’s probably our favorite of all the Jersey Shore boys. Sadly, Pauly didn’t have too much to do this week. His highlights were 1. This quote: “She just doesn’t wanna feel like a trash bag because she has a boyfriend and she kissed me with the tongue”; and 2. Spraying the barbecue with a fire extinguisher. More Pauly please.

JERSEY SHORE RONNIE

1. Ronnie. “I don’t know what it is about you, but I could kiss you all day.” Though his knuckles may drag, and his breasts rival Kelly Bensimmon’s in the wall-eyed department, there’s just something about this flip-flop wearing, sleeveless t-shirt sporting link that’s missing in our own hearts. He’s a gorilla, but a caring one that will peel you a mango and stroke your extensions before giving you a little baby Koko. And he’s sensitive. When Sammi breaks his baboon heart, he drags his arms home and suffocates himself in his mattress. Aw.

The Girls:

JERSEY SHORE ANGELINA BOYFRIEND

4. Angelina. This girl flat out suckssss. Her “boyfriend” can’t even take her on the phone — and she’s on a duck phone! Who woudn’t want to talk to someone on a duck phone? The self-proclaimed “c*ck-blocker” of the house clearly subsists off of Fubar’s for breakfast, lunch and dinner. She goes to Headliners with the housemates, where her boyfriend rolls in to break up with her. Props to him for having the class to do it in person, albeit in Herpestown. Turns out the guy is in the middle of a divorce, and while such a thing won’t stop true love on Glee, things are a bit different on the Jersey Shore. Newly single, her and her giant vintage bosom get depressed. She doesn’t even wanna sell t-shirts!! The (kinda hot?) owner of the Shore Store (and rich?!) rolls into the house (a homeowner too?! Gurl…) and fires her. She leaves. A butterfly flaps its wings. A tsunami occurs. Life, right?

JERSEY SHORE J WOWW

3. J-Woww. J-Woww is actually an acronym which stands for the commonly used phrase “Jesus, Whoa, OKayyyyuh! Whatevah. Whatevah.” Her boyfriend comes for a visit, even though her and the two weather balloons hot glued to her decolletage made out with Paulie D during last week’s episode. She also glimpsed his Prince Albert, which on the plus side is closest she’ll ever get to the royal family. She doesn’t have the pierced balls to tell her boyfriend of her indiscretions at the house, but grows a pair and breaks the news over the phone. It’s over. And within .007 milliseconds, declares Jersey to watch out, because she’s single, she’s slutty, she’s a synthetic zebra, and her diseases be on the loose y’all. Her own quote: “I’ve shown my true side. My true dirty, f*cking filthy side.” Words to live by.

JERSEY SHORE CLUELESS

2. Sammi “Superstar”. Really, what do you say. She plays the skin flute like a regular Sir James Galway. The things is, even with all her drama, Sammi is just kinda super boring. Here she’s got 830 pounds of muscle treating her like a newborn, and she goes and gives her number to some random cop at a bar. But there is just nothing about her that is interesting. Which is probably why she’s the hottest ticket at the Jersey Shore.

JERSEY SHORE SALUBE

1. Snooki. Her pickle sucking talents alone (Not a euphemism!) would earn her top slot whether or not the jacuzzi incident happened. But so it did. And only on Jersey Shore would the following exchange take place:

Snooki: (sucking the life force out of a pickle) *slurp slurp*
Pauly D: You really are training to be a porn star.
Snooki: You’re a f**kin idiot.
(cut to)

SNOOKI EATING A PICKLE 1

Snooki: Pickles is my thing. And the boys always stare at me eating pickles because they’re f**kin’ perverts.

Snooki finds a random penis attached to a man named Mike at Headliners, and decides she wants to take him home. We never get an update on this, but it looks like she didn’t get her fix that night. Because less than 24 hours later, the group is back out on the scene. This time with her friend Ryder, described by The Situation as “Kinda cute. She wasn’t ugly.” Considering the source, that’s like the utmost compliment. The three of them get into the hot tub, where Snooki proceeds to take a page out of the True Blood playbook, making out with her friend for the benefit of the guys. It’s sexy, if you enjoy masturbating to Jurassic Park. Then Snooki makes out with “The Situation,” her reasoning being the title of my next book (yes, it’s a long title):

Mike can be a nice guy. Like he shows his good side and then his jerk off side. And that’s what I like: A good guy and a jerk off. It’s all the same. If one thing leads to another, I’m not gonna tell him to get off.

She meant that in the literal sense, by the way. Anyway, next week she gets punched in the face, and cries, and it’s very sad. So tune in.

Episode after the jump, if you missed it: