MTV just had an impromptu holiday party a couple of floors above my office. I had planned on stopping by later on, but when someone mentioned that the cast of The Jersey Shore was going to be there, I put my Rocketeer Halloween costume on and jetpacked my ass up to the 23rd floor.
A large conference room which reeked of (delicious) chicken fingers was filled to the brim with MTV’s finest* (*a euphemism for “everyone”). And there, in the corner, stood part of the cast in all their navy brown glory: Sammi and Pauly D (who looks like a study Mulan). Pauly has always been my favorite, but in person, looked more beautiful Hawaiian woman than Guido.
And there, in front of me.
I couldn’t resist. This was my moment. There he stood, shorter than I would have imagined, wearing a shiny silver blazer and a face that said “How did I get here?” I rolled up as only a Collins could and began what would end up being THE BEST CONVERSATION OF MY LIFE:
Me: The Situationnnnnnnn! (seriously, that many n’s)
Situation: (mobbed by people with cameras) Hey.
Me: Can you believe it? One month ago, you walk into this room, no one cares who you are. Now look at you.
Situation: Yeah, I know. It’s crazy.
Me: So listennnnnn. You should stick with me tonight. I know everyone here*. (Giant lie.) I’ll introduce you to all the girls at MTV. I think I might be a little too tall for you* (Note: At 6’1″, I stood about 5 inches his senior.)
Situation: Nah, nah, you’re gorgeous.*
Me: (super idiot high voice) Siiiiitchuh.
Verdict: I’m in love. Also he seems like a nice enough guy who is clearly enjoying the attention. Because I am a lady, I did not ask to dry clean my cowlneck tunic on his washboard stummies, however according to my sources he gladly showed his abs off to anyone who asked.
In a related story, I now have my life’s greatest regret. Good day.
*Ed. Note: OMG.