Jersey Shore: Tonight, Let Us All Smush

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Where we watch MTV’s Jersey Shore for the betterment of mankind, and then rank our favorite housemates in order from worst to best according to gender. Beginning with…

JERSEY SHORE BURNING SENSATION 1

The Girls:

5. Angelina. Remember her? Us neither.

4. J-Woww. More antics with her boyfriend over the duck phone. In fact, that was her role this episode: Grinding on Pauly, and defending her grinding on the duck phone. Her logic — that they were sex grinding to house music and not to R&B — is the most logical argument since that whole pesky Obama birth certificate thing. Next week, J-Woww gets into a fight defending Snookie, which will definitely knock her up a few places in our rankings.

JERSEY SHORE PREG TESTS

3. Sammi “Superstar”. Episode picks up where last week’s left off: Sammi gives her number to a cop while Ronnie grinds on some random girl at the club. Ronnie finds out and storms off, with J-Woww about 12 feet behind (her nipples were touching his back, natch.) Sammi heads back to the house to confront Ronnie, who has shredded his gorilla suit in favor of a more flattering terry cloth banana hammock. She attacks him in a way that reminded us of a New Jersey version of Ja’mie from Summer Heights High. “Yowah Disguhsteeng.” — Sammie, dressed like J-Woww’s favorite food, Ham. Of all the girl’s, she the most garbagey = manipulative.

2. Snookie. Snookie calls her Mom on “The Friggin’ Duck Phone” and asks her how lonely she is. The Mom sounds relieved to have some time to herself. Can you imagine living with Snookie? After you BIRTHED HER? Send this woman to Geneva.

Snookie gets her thongy dance on at Karma, performing our favorite dance move from the 1996 Summer Olympics:

Kerri Strug would have been a HIT at Karma. Snookie meets a nice enough guy and they sleep together on the beach. Like, next to each other. They are woken up by a street sweeper.

Snookie’s Mom, who kinda likes Snooks, shows up and is basically Karen from Goodfellas. She is roughly 4800 shades lighter than her daughter, meaning that Snookie’s father is probably the shrunken head guy from the end of Beetlejuice:

JERSEY SHORE SNOOKIES DAD

Now: The Punch Heard Round The Shore. How DARE a man hit a woman, especially the nation’s beloved Snookie, in the face with a closed fist? Basically, a drunk apey robot from a Phillip K. Dick novel makes his way to the Jersey Shore, and begins stealing drinks from the cast members. The Situation actually acts gentlemanly, wanting to avoid a fight. Then this d**kless dude punches Snooks. MTV cut the punch out of the show following uproar over last week’s knock out preview. And knowing that everyone would tune in to the episode to see said fight, the network waited until the last 3 minutes to start the storyline… and you know what that means…

CLIFFHANGERRRRRR!!!1!

1. The Grenade. See below, under “The Situation and Pauly D.” The Grenade is AMAZING.

JERSEY SHORE SNOOKIE PUNCH

The Guys:

4. Vinnie. Has anyone seen Vinnie? Why is the only male member of the house who doesn’t need a human d-warmer on him at all times never featured? Vinnie is intentionally hilarious, give him his screentime.

3. Ronnie Ronnie is such a giant sweet idiot child. He got his oversized ape heart hurt by Sammi! They wept together. We were feeling for him. He hugs girls and weeps with no clothes on. People like this exist?! Yes, Ronnie exists, a veritable Donkey Shlong in a world where the ladders lead him from one bed to another.

Ronnie had sex with Sammi. We know this because the producers cut away to fireworks, which is how babies are made according to Scientologists. Let’s also bring up the fact that he referred to having sex with Sammi as SMUSHING. Ronnie on Sex: “We smushed.” This is also science’s most accepted definition of “Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.” Has Ronnie fallen in love on the Jersey Shore, despite his own rule?

1. Pauly D. Tied with The Situation, see below.

JERSEY SHORE BURNING SENSATION 2

1. The Situation. This guy. Please. I’ll never be able to hate on him ever again after he was so — is the word gracious? — to me when I met him at the MTV office holiday party. And did you ever think about the fact that maybe the reason he was so nice to me was that I didn’t treat him like a piece of meat? And was also dressed like a Gatorade bottle? JK, I would have toasted marshmallows over his abs had there not been 5000 other people standing around chicken fingers under fluorescent office lighting. God, please forgive me.

This episode centered around his antics with Pauly D, trying to lure “the ladies” into the hot tub. What is it about the mystical hot tub that makes the men want to get the women in there so badly? Is that tequila bubbling up from beneath? Did they roofie the freakin hot tub? Not even with hundreds of little roofies, but like one giant one?

The Situation actually finds a girl to make out with him, while Pauly’s girl, sadly, has her period so can’t take her white pants off. (You will note that this young lady will be one of two girls who a. Almost hooks up with Pauly D and b. Will surely kill herself after last night’s airing.) When P-rod McGillicutty wants to leave, that lovable a**hole Situation asks her “What’s wrong? You’re hungry?” because, of course, any girl with 20 extra lbs on her is surely going to shoot up out of bed in the middle of the night like an elderly Jewish man in the throes of a post-War dream looking for some ham. Anyway, the girls leave, and Situation’s D once again sleeps in the outdoors.

Later, at Karma, they meet two willing broads. Sitch gives Pauly the less desirable one… who we will eventually come to know as “The Grenade.” The boys ditch this twosome for two other broads who have a topless car. Convertible chicks come back to the house and refuse to get in the hot tub — JERSEY SHORE SACRILEGE — but luckily, The Grenade & Co. basically break into the house and send the other girls packing.

Then, The Grenade so masterfully c*ck blocks the Situation that, I don’t even know, give this girl an Emmy? A bonus? Something. She deserves something for storming into his room while they were hooking up and demanding her friend leaves with her. The Grenade might be the only sensible person in Jersey, stopping her friend from having sex with a self-titled “Situation” on national television. She deserves to at least be made Lt. Governor of the state.

And once again, The Situation’s best friend, his own lonely penis, keeps on waving around the shore like a metal detector in search of a giant iron vagina.* (*This doesn’t mean anything.)

JERSEY SHORE THE GRENADE

Thoughts on the episode? Favorite quotes? To the comments!

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