American Idol Season 9: Let The Battle Begin

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Has it really been seven months since we crowned Kris Allen the king of American Idol? It may not seem like it, since we’ve been so thoroughly entertained by Adam Lambert who has superseded Allen as the one we love to watch in that time. Will any of this season’s crop of contestants manage to reach the polarizing levels of fame that Lambert has? That’s what we want to know, and there was no better place to kick off the search than in Boston. Our first instinct was to write this recap phonetically to truly capture the Massachusetts dialect, which is near and dear to us, as we grew up outside Boston. We’ll spare you, but don’t be surprised if we drop our “R”s here and there. Now, allow us to indulge in our top five favorite moments of the premiere and please realize that if we could, we’d give Victoria Beckham‘s lace head-wrap it’s own blog post, but we have more pressing things to discuss.


5. The American Idol Video Game is wicked pissah, dude. And so ah the Boston accents.

Of course. Of course they had to feature the woman with the most Massholey accent to showcase within the first five minutes, whose favorite phrase was the well-loved New England chestnut “wicked awesome.” What wasn’t so wicked awesome was contestant Janet‘s rendition of “Pocketful of Sunshine.” Janet explained to the judges that she had mastered her American Idol video game and the fake judges always sent her to Hollywood. The real judges, on the other hand, sent Janet packing like the Red Sox did Babe Ruth in 1918. (Just let us go with this metaphor please.) Janet’s accent was only trumped by the “fyah fightah” lady and super-gay Pat from New Hampsha who loved to say “Holla!” and called Simon Cowell sassy.

4. Derek Hilton, Wordsmith

If there was one contestant that had us laughing our asses off, it was Derek Hilton. Hilton didn’t entertain us so much with his bad singing, although it was spectacularly awful, as he did with his poetic and poor use of real and made-up words. Before singing Elton John‘s “Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word” in the style of Chris Brown meets The Eagles, Hilton explained that he “was at his lowest peak” before “graditating” to music. Once he found himself, he realized he wanted to “touch numerous amounts of people” with his musical gift. And when asked why he compared himself to Chris Brown, he awesomely said with no hint of irony that it was because of how Brown “has touched so many children.” Derek Hilton, you’re our favorite.

3. Talent In The Face Of Adversity

They always say that it’s the tortured kids who end up in comedy, but we’re starting to think that maybe some of that angst is getting channeled into voice lessons these days, too. The sob stories exist every season, but it feels like anyone with a tale to tell, whether it was Katie Stevens who was auditioning for her grandma with Alzheimer’s or Justin Williams who, at 28, has kicked cancer already, made it to Hollywood. Of course, not even blind Scott MacIntyre made it to the end last year, so nothing’s guaranteed.

2. Japanimation Girl

If we never hear a cover of a Janis Joplin song again it will be too soon. Unfortunately, along with “At Last” and “Vision of Love,” “Piece of My Heart” rounds out the trio of female songs that we have to endure way too often during these early rounds. Mere Doyle, an animation lover (an otaku, if you want to get technical) strode in wearing a floor-length denim vest and her confidence where her sleeves would be if she had any. Doyle sang her Joplin tune crappily and was booted, thus dashing her hopes, and the hopes of both her voice teachers, of becoming a famous singer in the U.S. or in Japan. As Doyle left, our viewing companion explained where she was headed, saying, “She’s got to get back to sitting on the floor of the comics section of Barnes and Noble now.”

1. What Was Kara’s Deal With Disaffected Attitude Guy?

As soon as we saw hipster-y, bespectacled “unemployed musician” Andrew Fenlon, we knew we wouldn’t like him. Of course he was edited for us to not like him, what with his whiny-complainer ‘tude and hatred for being interviewed by Ryan Seacrest. What we didn’t foresee was how awful Kara DioGuardi would be when dealing with him. After being a smartass to Simon by telling him “it should be fairly obvious” why he was there, Fenlon apologized and actually did not seem to realize how douchey he had been acting to the judges. He claimed he was just trying to act confident, but Kara, oh-ho, Kara didn’t take kindly to that justification and went off. “You wanna be in the music business but you don’t wanna wait to get on American Idol? That’s a problem and it kinda pisses me off, actually [insert oh-no-you -di'int head shake]. I am now angry. At you. Who I don’t like. Why are you doing this? I really don’t like you, I have a very strong reaction to you. You’re being awful, you need a spanking. You’re very, very naughty. Did you ever have a girlfriend? BYE! Oooh we won’t miss you!”

Ten bucks says Kara and this guy had some fierce hate sex at the Marriott off Route 9 in Framingham that night.

Tomorrow we visit the ATL (no, not Ann Taylor Loft!) to scope out the southern talent and see who’s goin’ to Hollywood, y’all! Oh, and Paula…WE MISS YOU!

[Photo: GettyImages]

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