I believe it was the great Twitter account of Dave Holmes who once said ” I am not emotionally prepared for the return of American Idol.” None of us were, Dave, and yet here it is, American Idol, Season 9, all new in two thousand and ten… and yet so strangely unfamiliar.
This week has already felt different, restrained and uncomfortable, like a pair of skinny jeans after Christmas, as perhaps our most beloved Idol judge Paula Abdul was no longer around, instead replaced by a Schindler’s List extra and Mary J. Blige. While Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham did little other than complimenting people’s looks and sucking 4 cubic centimeters of carbon dioxide out of the room, Mary J. Blige on the other hand brought the “LOLs,” as they say, with her consistent restrained laughter. She induced tears out of herself, and may have even pulled her back out, trying as she did not to hurt any feelings while simultaneously sh*tting in her pants dying laughing. It wasn’t Paula, but it would do.
Kara, on the other hand, has really amped up her “affectation and annoyance” settings this season. She needs to stop dancing and talking and generally trying to be the center of attention during the auditions, because it’s not entertaining, it’s f**king distracting. She’s like an ingrown hair you just can’t quite pluck.
Also, Ryan Seacrest got rid of his highlights. In the words of our favorite QVC shopper to Puff Daddy: “MM. I like it.”
This will be the last season with our favorite judge Simon Cowell, who, in the immortal words of Danny Glover, is “Gettin too old for this sh*t.” Aren’t we all. Oh ps, he’ll be back as a judge on X Factor, slogan “It’s just like Idol, but with menopause!”
Then you had the contestants…
(Click ahead for more of our American Idol Season 9 Premiere Week Recap)
- Sopranos cast-off Amadeo Diricco thought he’d give performing another try, as he sang while simultaneously juggling muhtzer’ell balls while strangling people with telephone wires. He, unsurprisingly, makes it through.
- Katie Stevens had a nice enough voice, but we secretly wish her Grandmother with Alzheimers would have made it through to Hollywood. Group session fights would be epic.
- Then you had “Is He Hot? No, Right? Wait, Maybe… Yes, He Is!– No, Wait, Not Hot” dude Andrew Fenlon, who is clearly an out of work screenwriter who needed some extra cast for his Lenscrafters pot, and was hired by Idol to do some terribly unconvincing acting. We smell a future Law & Order corpse in this kid! He’s got “talent.” Note Posh’s sexual intrigue face when the guy walks in the room.
- Codzilla, while technically not a contestant, is the best Fish-Fictional-Monster pun we’ve heard all month.
- Vanessa Wolfe, from Tennessee, was basically a Simpsons character come to life (maybe one of Cletus‘ many daughters). She’s a poor gal who likes flinging herself off of bridges, and walking around town kicking the grass while holding her guitar. But it’s hard to not like the girl… her little nervous wave to the judges won my Idol viewing audience over. (Ben at B-Side blog knows who he is.)
- Jesse Hamilton, an actual slack-jawed yokel who has died 3 times, proved that Idol producers still have no issue letting people with questionable mental capacities audition. To be fair, this kid had a heart of gold. NOTE TO IDOL PRODUCERS: Please do not attempt comedic sketches any more on this show. It was like watching Dave Coulier’s Jackelope sketches on America’s Funniest People, and it made us HIGHLY UNCOMFS.
- Be-Fris Carmen Turner and Lauren Sanders. Not sure who is who, just that for a moment I got excited thinking a new episode of Toddlers in Tiaras was on. Hopefully, I’m not the only one who thought that the brunette (Lauren?) looked and sounded exactly like Judy on SNL‘s The Lawrence Welk Show.
- FAVORITE OF THE WEEK: Could it be anyone other than Jermaine Sellers? The ADORABLE self-described “Church Boy” with just about the sweetest personality and best voice? If this kid cracks the Top 10, we might have another Season 8 on our hands.
- MOST HILARIOUS AUDITION: Lamar Royale. I’m sorry, but I’d glady tune in night after night to watch this guy interrupt the judges with his vocal runs. Randy Jackson was quite the diplomat tonight: “Dawg, are you a good listener?” Highlight was his singing in the elevator while Idol security tried to look like they were on a different planet. This guy has singing tourette’s and WE LOVE IT.
- BEST MOMENT: Well, it wouldn’t be an American Idol Season 9 Week 1 recap without mentioning General Larry Platt. At first glance, what with his TGI Friday Flare and general enthusiasm, one might mistake the general for your run of the mill lunatic. Turns out the guy is an Atlanta legend, who was at the forefront of the Civil Rights movement. Might explain why he got the royal treatment from the judges. Also why he was able to produce the catchiest tune of the New Millennies since “Don’t Be Tardy For the Party.” Ladies and gentlemen, American Idol’s Viral Video Hit of 2010… it’s “Pants on the Ground.”
*This seems meaner than intended. But we really thought there was a resemblance.* Lauren seems like a nice enough girl, no hard feeeelinnnngs. (*This actually makes it worse.)