This is a Recap of the Lost Season 6 Premiere, “LA X” Parts 1 and 2. It contains a bunch of spoilers, unless you’ve never seen Lost, in which case, it contains a bunch of random English words that you would never expect rational humans put next to one another. Either way, don’t read it.
OCEANIC 815: THE SQUEAKQUEL
Jack wakes up on a plane. BUT IS IT OCEANIC 815??? Yes it is, we find out several seconds later. The plane hasn’t crashed, and Jack exchanges smalltalk across the aisle with Rose, who is a complete stranger to him because in this reality, he’s never actually been on the island. Or more likely because he just forgot Rose was ever a character.
Our first rotating “Lost” title screen of the year is introduced when the camera pans from Jack all the way deep into the ocean, Beetlejuice-style, and through an awful CGI’d shark (possibly cousins with the snake from Anaconda) before finally settling on our first big reveal of the season: The foot of the statue is underwater. Meaning, obviously, that in this reality, the island sank underwater and never crashed Oceanic 815. Either that, or the awful-looking sharks built a giant stone foot of their own, and Damon Lindelof has the largest testicles of any living human.
When we return to the plane, a series of “post-non-crash” vignettes take place:
- Kate’s captor doesn’t allow her to use a knife and fork for her airplane dinner. Not because he’s worried she’ll stab him, but because airplane food is so bad, as he explains in a 9-minute standup bit that was cut from the episode (but will hopefully go online).
- Boone (who is not accompanied by Shannon) strikes up a conversation with a still-paralyzed Locke, who regales him with clearly false antics about going on a weeklong “walkabout”, camping outside, hunting for his meals, catching a fish that’s THIS BIG (I’m holding my hands way out), and banging seven waitresses while running.
- Charlie almost chokes to death on his heroin, but Jack saves his life. Charlie says he was “supposed to die,” and when the plane lands, Charlie is carried off in handcuffs and shoots jack a big ol’ Glarey Oldman.
- Hurley declares himself “The luckiest man in the world” and adds “Nothing bad every happens to me! No-sireee Bob. Just call me Lucky MacGucky. I changed my last name to ‘MacGucky’ because it rhymes with “lucky,” which is what I am.” He and Billy Zane from Titanic then agree that Picasso will never amount to anything.
- Most cryptically, however, is a surprise exchange between Jack and Desmond, who was never on the original 815, and who vanishes as quickly as he appears. Even though Jack seems clearly unnerved throughout the flight, he never expressly mentions anything from his island life until he asks Desmond, “Do I know you?”, a potential reference to the two sharing a brief conversation in a stadium years before, or possibly a fleeting memory of the island triggered by Desmond’s new reality. Will Jack be seein’ him in another life, brother? We’ll see.
After the jump, some missing coffin hijinx, the Other Other Others, and Terry O’Quinn is The Lockes:
LAND-ING OF THE LOSTS (WHO ARE FOUND)
After the plane lands safely, Jack is called to the Oceanic “Oopsie” desk and is informed that not only did his father’s coffin not make the trip to Los Angeles, but that it’s also completely missing. Locke introduces himself to Jack and prophetically suggests that Christian isn’t really “missing,” just his body is, meaning that whatever event resulted in Christian’s supernatural existence also made his body disappear, so he was never lost. Or possibly Oceanic is just a subsidiary of Delta Airlines (BOOM! High five! I just high-fived my monitor ’cause none of you drove over here to high-five me after I typed that.) Touched by Locke’s charisma, Jack offers to fix John’s unfixable spinal problem “on the house,” forgetting he’s a spinal surgeon and not a goddamn bartender.
Meanwhile, Kate takes advantage of her captor’s generous decision not to watch her pee and kicks him through the stall door, knocks him out on the bathroom sink, steals his gun and badge, and runs away. She then struggles to leave the airport, even though this is one of the easiest things a person can do; Osama Bin Laden could walk out of LAX while on fire and carrying seven strangers’ bags and not even get anyone to make eye contact. Nonetheless, she cuts in front of Flaming Arrow Milk Commercial Man and grabs a cab at gunpoint, speeding away into a life that assuredly won’t include any more legal troubles.
There’s a common thread to the Jack / Locke / Kate / Jin / Sun post-plane storylines: They’re all instantly just as treacherous as their lives were before Oceanic 815 crashed (aside from Jack & Locke’s budding friendship). If anything, the brief post-landing incidents just served to re-affirm Evil-Locke/Esau’s claim that “Locke was the only one who never wanted to go back because he was the only one who realized how pitiful the life he left behind him really was.” Silly Jack and everyone — you should’ve listened to the evil spirit man who had Jacob killed and is the smoke monster then said this thing after you already went back!
WHICH BRINGS US TO…LOCKE – REEEEMIX!
Locke’s physical entity now exists in three separate forms — the dead body (Oceanic 815 Locke who’s still dead), new Oceanic reality Locke (who’s still paralyzed), and the Terry O’Quinn likeness currently inhabited by Jacob’s unnamed peer, to whom I’ll refer alternatively to as Evil-Locke, Esau, The Devil, and Goofus (though I’m still predicting he’s not as expressly “evil” as he appears. But he is literally Goofus.) And why the hell not, he’s the smoke monster too.
Following the Jacob murder / burn / afterparty, Evil-Locke requests a meeting with Richard, but the shadiness of the request incites Bram and two of the other Ajira “good guys” to run into the statue and attack Locke, quickly realize he’s the smoke monster, and this sound effect occurs.
Locke tells Ben he wants to “go home”, then emerges from the temple, punches longtime acquaintance Richard, knocks him out, and carries him into the jungle past his own dead body. There’s still no indication of what this group’s power structure will look like; I guess it’s just Evil-Locke leading and everyone else begrudgingly following so they don’t get bashed against walls by smoke arms. Which reminds me — remember when the Smoke Monster told Ben to follow Locke and do everything he says? That was Locke telling Ben to do that! Whoopsie! Gotta cue up the sound effect again.
IT WORKED! WE DOUBLED THE SHOW’S CONFUSION
The cold open initially left me baffled, especially after I’d predicted with unusual conviction (for my Lost predictions, “conviction” means any prediction where I don’t write “maybe not, I don’t frickin’ know” between each word of the prediction) that there was no way the characters could possibly go back to their old lives and have no memory of the island, cause that would literally be discarding five years worth of the show and any relationships or stakes it’s painstakingly tried to build. So if Jack and everyone are on the plane, what happened to the Jack & Co. who detonated the bomb??
Simple: They’re there too!
All the time-travelers awaken from their big Dharma bomb-scuffle with their ears ringing and people at home adjusting the volume on their tvs, and after slowly realizing that they’re still on the island but in the future, they spread out to save Sayid, who’s been shot in the gut, and Juliet, who’s lying underneath all the metal that existed in 1977 including the Queens World’s Fair tower and multiple Cadillacs owned by Chuck Berry. Juliet asks Sawyer for a final kiss — Sawyer resists the urge to respond “You got it, Deathbed” — and dies shortly before she can tell Sawyer something “really important”, though Miles quickly whips out his ghost powers and confirms that Juliet was trying to tell Sawyer “It worked.” How does she know? A friend of mine suggested she’s a time-traveler like Desmond and has seen the future, which would also explain why she was suddenly adamant about setting off the bomb in the first place – put that in your theory pipe and smoke it confusingly.
With Sayid near death, Jacob appears to Hurley, admits he’s dead, and tells Hurley to bring Sayid’s body to the temple to save him. Hurley convinces his friends to oblige, even though Miles sarcastically remarks “Are we gonna sing ‘Kumbaya’ on the way?”, because as a dude who can talk to ghosts, he’s skeptical about magical things happening.
THE OTHER OTHER OTHERS…OTHER.
Before Jack, Hurley, and Kate can get Sayid to wherever the hell they thought they were bringing him (if they hadn’t gotten interrupted, would they have just been chucking his body against the walls, thinking “I guess this is what Jacob wants?”), the team is abducted by a bunch of strangers from the Indiana Jones Extras Commune. The colorfully-dressed newbies bring the Oceanics to a fully-built temple, thus introducing exactly what this show’s been needing: Even more characters. By the time Season 6 ends, Lost’s IMDB page is gonna look like Law & Order f*cked Magnolia.
This also means we have to come up with yet another new term for yet another new group of people. Some options:
– The Other Others
– The Lost Boys (Peter Pan Ones, Not The Teen Vampires)
– Others From Another Brothers
– The Last Remaining Actors On Television
For the sake of convenience, I’m just gonna type all six any time I mention them.
The new people are led by Dogan, a dude who probably appeared in the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie while I was sleeping on my plane, who addresses the captives in Japanese through a translator because he hates the taste of English on his tongue (sorry, English ladies). When Hurley mentions “Jacob sent us,” Dogan’s all like “gu-gu-gu-whaaaaa??????” and opens Jacob’s guitar case to reveal a wooden ankh, which he opens to reveal a series of Russian nesting dolls, which he opens in succession for ten more minutes before coming across a letter from Jacob that allegedly says “If Sayid dies, we’re all in big trouble.”
The newbies (including an alcoholically-generous flight attendant who recognizes Jack from the Oceanic flight) then take Sayid to their resurrecting pool and toss him in — when the Others2 revealed their vat of brown resurrection liquid, my friend Matt commented “This is where Coca-Cola is made,” which made me laugh and is also important — and even though Sayid starts to squirm after a few seconds, the guys holding him decide to go for a new record and keep him underwater for the entire hourglass, and Sayid dies again. When Hurley later mentions the minor detail that Jacob just died, Dogan is again like “How come no one ever tells me anything?” and sets off two sparkly fireworks, the traditional funeral service for biblically-named magic island people or anyone who dies on July 5th.
The fireworks turn out to be a signal to Richard’s group (or possibly even more characters elsewhere? Gosh I hope so!) and the respective groups scramble to post-Jacob-death action. The episode ultimately concludes with Glasses McTranslator of the New Others demanding a private chat with Jack and using force to get him to comply, but the scuffle is cut short when everyone looks over and realizes that goll-eee, Sayid’s alive again. Jack then says into the camera “I’m gettin’ too old for this s–” and the first “LOST” end-titler of the year interrupting him.
LOSTDS AND ENDS
– Why was Jack’s neck bleeding in the airplane bathroom mirror? A significant sign that things physically are different in the new 2004 reality, or just a red herring? BECAUSE BLOOD IS RED! Hang with me, folks, it’s almost over.
— The episode title “LA X” refers simultanously to the airport LAX and the alternate-future concept of “X” from the Earth X comic book series. I’d also like to point out that the punk band X has an album called “Los Angeles,” which is probably the most significant thing anyone’s ever written about this show.
— The “This Season On Lost” credits-trailer flashed the phrase “The Time For Questions…IS…OVER”, which is about as blatantly as the producers could possibly say “Seriously everyone, PLEASE bear with us, we’re really gonna do our best to answer this crap!”
— Overall, I enjoyed the episode, and was glad they didn’t cop-out and have Juliet survive all that stuff (one of my friends was apoplectic that Juliet was still breathing and probably would’ve left the room and possibly America if she’d emerged from that hole okay). But speaking of cop-out, we spent all summer debating whether or not the Oceanics would remember their past or not, and it turns out, they did both! There’s two or more of everyone now traveling through various time realities, so if this thing’s gonna resolve tidily, it just got twice as hard. I’ll give the show benefit of the doubt for the time being. Only on the two-of-everyone-existing thing, I mean — I’m still not buying the shark.
Season 6 Premiere thoughts? Favorite/Least favorite parts? Anything we missed? Season 6 predictions? Nostalgic exclamations about Boone or Charlie? Leave ‘em all in the comments.