My Mother Recaps “The Real Housewives of Orange County”

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Last night’s Real Housewives of The O.C. was picture perfect: Rife with drama, intrigue, and idiotic finger tattooing. Things came to a climax as Lynn decided to hold a civilized dinner party with all the HWives, which of course exploded directly in her face like so many over-pumped restylane lips.

As per tradition, I phoned up my dear mother, Judy Collins of Miami, Florida, to get her opinion on the episode. What I found was a woman on the brink of madness, dying to get her various opinions on each and every wife out into the open, via telephone with my ear glued on the other end. I realized the world needed to hear her thoughts. So without her knowing it, I began transcribing her poetic diatribe to share with all of you. Admittedly, I started a few sentences in, but I think you will pretty much get the gist of her attitude by the time you’re done.

So without further ado, here it is: My Mother’s Recap of “The Real Housewives of the O.C.”

“I have a feeling that any cat I’ve had since I’m married is smarter than Lynn. Vicky is right! None of them work. That Gretchen? She started her makeup line last week, all of a sudden she’s working? And go to any dept store — Walgreens — no one is buying makeup. Whose gonna buy it in this economy?

And that Tamra is garbage. The thing with Vicki and her marriage… I told Daddy ‘Look, if I’m going to complain to a girlfriend of mine that my husband is this, that, and the other, I really don’t expect that girlfriend to go back and tell the husband.’” (Ed. Note: I’m sure this is a purely theoretical situation, Dad.)

That was mistake #1. You can maybe give her advice, but what are you telling the husband? #1. They all came in (impersonating) ‘I dont want any drama….’ Vicki from the beginning should not have stood there! Walk away!

I think the producers coax them in these shows… Because I cannot picture Vicky standing in front of this f*cking shmuck Simon and taking it. I think she’s much smarter than that. If this was me…? ‘You know what? I’m not interested.’ Have a drink and chit chat with your husband.”

“And Tamra has to be the lowest of the low. You know what? He deserves Tamra. And the fact that she’s hot? I don’t find that she’s so hot. I think Gretchen is the best looking.

I hate the new girl! (Ed. note: Alexis.) Such a dumb f*ck woman this is not even a joke. Funny enough, her husband doesn’t bother me. Believe me Michelle, 5 more years, they’re not together. 5 years, he’s gonna dump her like a catsh*t. (direct quote) Because within 5 years he’s gonna realize ‘What kind of a f*ckin’ assh*le am I married to?’

And both of them were married before. 5 years, when her lips are going to stretch she’s going to look like Wayland and Madame over there. Did you ever see the ventriloquist? That Madame was the riskiest show, she was like a bitchy old woman, I used to pee laughing. But what a dog ugly — uch! It was a good show though.”

“I like Don. You know what he is like a happy go lucky guy. Vicky has a very poor choice of words — ‘he wasn’t invited.’ You used to come with me to Israel, did I ever say Daddy isn’t invited?

And Lynn! She looks like a deer caught in headlights — ugly!! She looks like a f*ckin’ voodoo doll, I’m dying to put some pins in her. And her husband!! You know who he looks like? Dan HedayaCarla‘s husband on Cheers. There was a show called Arthur, only lasted a couple of episodes, still today dadddy and I talk about that show, funny is an understatement!! And that guy just looks like Dan Hedaya.”

I ask my mother what she thinks of Lynn’s daughters:

“Michelle, I’m explaining to you that the woman is a vegetable. The daughters probably never got the word discipline — they probably never heard anything clever coming out of that woman’s mouth. Imagine having a mother who never once says anything smart. The girls are brighter than their own mother, and they’re teenagers, of course with all the money, they’re sh*tting on her. But for her to invite the Youthologist — she was 2 years older than them! Im thinking “Your daughter is smarter than you, you dumb fuck!” The fact that she’s showing her breasts? You have an empty head!

Did you ever see Lynn driving her car? You can’t see her ears, she sits so low, and the wheel is so high, and I’m telling daddy “What is she, a fucking midget! Look at where her arms are holding the wheel!!” I’m telling you, Michelle, every time she comes on, I can’t look at her. Her I hate the most.

Then I don’t know who I hate more, Tamra or that mafioso’s wife. Oh Alexis, I’m sure she was born with that name. She was probably born with a name like Harriet and changed it. You know Tikva – remember my friend Tikva? — you know, her original name was Tikva Mooallem – Arab for teacher — so she changed her name. One day, I get a note, “Oh, I changed my name!” I thought oh she changed Mooallem to something more Israeli, like Sharon. So what did she change? Her first name! From Tikva to Segal. It means violet. Segal Mooallem. Then I went back to Israel and when you’re used to calling them Tikva for so many years, it’s funny calling them Segal all of a sudden. Her father was a pharmacist, a very fine family, her parents adored me. And me and her parents were the only people who she allowed to call her Tikva.”

–The End.

Yes, we end on a tangent. Sometimes life works that way.

Tell us what you thought of last night’s episode below, and if you agree or disagree with the rantings of a very fired up woman who should definitely be included on Bravo’s “Real Housewives of North Miami Beach.”

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