John Mayer is possibly maybe hooking up with Taylor Swift these days, but that doesn’t stop him from talking about all his former conquests. Seriously, no one in the history of time dwells on their exes this much except for this guy. In the March issue of Playboy (but of course), Mayer opens up about ex-girlfriend Jessica Simpson , saying “Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say.” Only, guess what. That’s not all he said!
Mayer said that sex with Simpson was like a drug ”And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them.” Then the real diarrhea of the mouth started. “Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just f*ckin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f*ck you, I would start selling all my sh*t just to keep f*cking you.’” Um, what? Is it any wonder that Taylor Swift’s mother wants to keep this dirty old man away from her daughter?
In case that quote wasn’t delightful enough, he also said that since breaking up with Simpson he hasn’t spread his love around as much as we’d think. Asked how many women he’s bedded (because why not share that info with the world?) he replied ”I’m going to say four or five. No more. But even if I said 12, that’s a reasonable number.[Is it?] So is 15. Here’s the thing: I get less ass now than I did when I was in a local band. Because now I don’t like jumping through hoops.” So listen up, local bands, it might seem like a dream to date an actress, but in reality, Jennifer Aniston‘s vagina will make you jump through hoops just to enter, so revel in that ass you’re getting now.
[Photo: Getty Images]