Yesterday, ABC revealed the latest lineup of celebrities on Dancing With The Stars. We already knew that over-extended mom of eight Kate Gosselin would be one of the chosen ones (did we say over-extended? We meant over-extensioned.) Who else will cha-cha their ways into our living rooms and hearts this season? Let’s take a peek.
Astronaut Buzz Aldrin. Aldrin will be the oldest contestant this season, but if Cloris Leachman taught us anything, it’s that age means nothing on this show. He’s also an actual American hero, being the second man to walk on the moon and the only person on the show to actually dance with stars. (Sorry.) Odds of winning: High. The man has walked on the moon, he literally doesn’t know the meaning of the word “impossible”.
Niecy Nash, of Reno! 911 and Clean House just might be an underdog. She’s funny, but whether she can dance will be a total surprise. Odds of winning: Meh. She will likely go the hamming-it-up route and become an audience favorite though.
Kate Gosselin will try to pull a Heather Mills-McCartney in an attempt to turn her image from bitchy divorced mom to bitchy pseudo-celebrity dancer. The difference? Kate has a leg up on Heather. (Sorry, again.) Odds of winning: Determined though she may be, she will probably alienate her dancing partner before the season is over, force him to renew dance vows and then still file for a dance divorce. No chance.
She’ll forever be known as Brenda Walsh (and also a bitch…ooh, Gosselin-Doherty catfight?), but maybe Shannen Doherty will win us over with her smooth moves. Odds of winning: If by winning you mean slapping a crew member, very high.
Pamela Anderson, who obviously got this competition confused with Pole Dancing With The Stars, will be making her return to the network that gave her her start as the Tool Time girl on Home Improvement. Odds of winning: We bet she’ll be the first to get kicked off.
NFL player Chad Ochocinco is committed enough to change his name to the number on his jersey, so he might be focused enough to win this thing. Let’s just hope he doesn’t become a DWTS-NFL statistic – some of his peers have had a rough time with the law after their stints on the show. Odds of winning: Decent. Athletes always place well.
Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger is a dancer by trade, so she may be at an unfair advantage. On the other hand, years of asking men if they wished their girlfriends were hot like her might alienate her from the show’s wholesome fan base. Odds of winning: Good, actually. As long as she doesn’t sing, we think she has a chance.
Let’s face it, the only reason most of us know Erin Andrews‘ name is because of her peeping Tom nudie tape. The ESPN reporter seems to want America to forget about what she looks like naked, and instead get to know what she looks like doing splits in sheer leotards. Six of one, half dozen of the other, we say. Odds of winning: Too soon to tell. Odds of someone monitoring her dressing room on closed-circuit surveillance: Excellent.
The Bachelor himself, Jake Pavelka will continue his run as a reality show contestant on the ABC network. We plan to nickname him Vienna Fingers because 1) It sounds dirty and 2) It will be like his own special version of jazz hands. Odds of winning: He found true love, hasn’t he already won?
Aiden Turner is a soap opera actor on All My Children. We don’t know much more about him aside from the fact that he bears a striking resemblance to Prince Charming in Shrek. Odds of winning: It’s always the handsome guy no one has ever heard of that does, so we’re probably looking at our #1 dancer right here.
The guy that Vegas odds-makers (and sequined-costume-makers) are betting on this season is Olympic figure skater Evan Lysacek. Fresh off his gold-medal-winning performance in Vancouver, Lysacek might pull an Apolo Ohno and go from Olympic hero to muscle-y object of desire. Odds of winning: Top three, for sure. Odds of Johnny Weir showing up in the audience to upstage him in a crown of roses: 100%.
[Photos: Getty Images/ABC]