Last night saw the series finale of ABC’s The Bachelor, featuring airline pilot and part-time stomach clothes-washer Jake Pavelka choosing between a gaggle of sharp-toothed, man-thirsty ladies, thrown into a house with a trunk full of sateen clearance prom gowns, and told to do whatever it takes to win this man’s love. It is here that I will personally admit to something: Physically, Jake Pavelka is the hottest bachelor to date. Sure, he’s a borderline moron who was looking for a woman to both wrastle and impregnate, but point being: Physically, he’s near perfection.
A few weeks ago, Jake was down to 4 possible brides: Gia, “Like Gina Gershon, Minus The N-Gershon”; Aly, a blond girl from Rivendell; Tenley, a premature baby who enjoyed dancing; and Vienna, who grew up on freeze-dried alligator meat which she then stuffed into her chest skin to make breasts. Aly eventually left for “work purposes” (really, where does she work, The Drama Barn? I’m here all week.), and it was announced today that she is going to be America’s next Bachelorette. Jake then denied Gia a rose, surprising til we found out later the bitch already has a boyfriend.
Jake was now left with 2 ladies. Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer” and the Vienna Sausage Factory.
Each lady was introduced to Jake’s family. The verdict was clear: Tenley was a girl with a 3-chambered heart of gold, while Vienna, the “bad” girl, did not jive with the ladies of her fam.
By this point it was pretty clear. The lady that Jake would to f**k for the rest of his life (or at least the next 12 months) is Vienna. And, so, Vienna is the “lady” who he chose.
1. Poor Tenley. The girl is as fragile as a woman with glass bones, both physically and emotionally. She was already DUMPED by her first husband, and now this? On national television? It ain’t right. He spends the entire season telling her he loves her and that he’s falling in love with her, and then cries on a mountain in St. Lucia that things just didn’t feel right. YOU D*CKLESS HUMAN BEING. I wasn’t Tenley’s biggest fan, but sh*t, give the girl a break. She’s only 5 months old.
2. Good Luck with Vienna. Place your bets on how long this engagement lasts. Shorter or Longer than the amount of time it takes for a fly to become a Great Grandmother? This is a tough one.
3. Thankfully, Jake Is Coming Back. On Dancing with the Stars! Bachelor Plot Twist: He falls in love with fellow dancer Kate Gosselin. Can you imagine?
4. This Show Is A Sham. So why do we keep watching it?
What’d you guys think of the outcome last night? Is Jake just a manipulative sexy piece of hot garbage? Do you think him and Vienna will last? How long until Tenley evaporates into dust like Michael Jackson in the “Do You Remember the Times?” video?