My Mother Recaps The Real Housewives: From OC to NY, Idiots, All of Them

|

Last night, The Real Housewives of The O.C. came to a dramatic close, and in true amazing Bravo form, it led right into the season premiere of The Real Housewives of New York – kind of like The O.C., but cattier, and more brunette.

As per tradition, I phoned up my dear mother, Judy Collins of Miami, Florida, to get her opinion about both episodes. Judy was in a bit of a rush this evening, as her and my father have a new kitten to attend to.

So let’s begin with the amazing finale of The O.C. Housewives: A Giant Party, Slutty Dresses, Drunk Children and a F**king Divorce.

Judy begins: “The setting was like paradise! Oh my God. I was happy to see Jeanna. And let me tell you: I was so glad that she’s fatter than me. That, I think, made my evening. Here is an ex-Playboy bunny and she’s fatter than me! Now Vicky… that dress… my coworker emailed me and thought it was hot, but I don’t know. Some people think that dimples are pretty. Gretchen? I didn’t like when she came with the white dress and they were making fun of her. So what?? She came to a nice summer party. She’s so beautiful. As dumb as she is, I have to forgive her cause she’s such a beauty. You can’t have everything – and God gave her a body and a face.”

On to Tamra: “Uch, Simon! I only hope that Hitler is going to come and get him. The good side of Hitler, the one that likes the dogs. First of all, I think he got ugly. He used to be cute, but now he’s got tuchus for face. And he really is a jealous disgusting human being. I cannot stand him.”

“Tamra I felt a little bit sorry for her that she’s married to an assh*le like this. I hope that this guy eats sh*t. I wish that this economic downturn will never turn back. And that’s from my good side wishes it on him.”

“Tamra’s dress? I thought it was sensational, and I didn’t think it was that short. I’ve seen her in far more revealing dresses than that. The guy is just nasty. He never tells her when her boobs are hanging out, and she has pretty legs. I thought it was like a sack. He is A D*CK. He deserves nothing but the worst in life.”

“And let’s take care of that assh*le Lynn, who definitely has hay for brains. I want people to do an MRI on her brain, they’re gonna find sh*t in there that nobody else has. Two disturbed f*cked up daughters. And they’ll never get better. They are NEVER gonna get better. I feel very bad for her husband, he’s working for her now. He’s such a nice guy! That to protect them he never said what’s going on in his job. And after she knew!! She had the audacity to spend $1200 to spend on an ugly jacket! People like this should be hung in the OC piazza.”

“I mean how stupid are you, seriously? And Alexis I don’t even want to talk about because… she and her mafioso husband, what a dog ugly… fooy.”

Very insightful, no? But we’re not done. Here is my mother’s more-rambling-than usual recap of The Real Housewives of NY premiere:

“Wow. Let me tell you something. Bethenny’s new boyfriend looks very gay to me.”

“This guy — I’m telling daddy ‘This guy is so gay!’ Daddy said ‘But he impregnated her!’ I said ‘Yeah, but on the way he blew somebody!’ (I break into the conversation to agree with my mother on this point, comparing Bethenny’s boyfriend to one of my mother’s ex-managers, a gay.) “They look exactly alike!! Did you talk to Daddy? Did he tell you I said that? You know, there are apples that don’t fall far from the tree? Your apple is too close to my apple.” (Will repeat this line to my therapist at some point.)

“And Jill’s overbearingness with Bethenny… There was something there yesterday that I totally equated with my relationship with Christina (Ed. Note: A former friend). For Jill to call her 4 times a day, and wanting to with her on vacation — whether the guy is gay or not! Oh, if you go, we’ll come with you? Really? You wanna shove yourself up my ass?? That was Christina. Who can tolerate this after a while? You need a little buffer zone. So I had to start lying to her that we’re going to family on the holidays, if you remember, so she wouldn’t come. I need a friendship where I have to start to lie to you because you are overbearing? (Ed. Note: The previous question is how Jewish people make statements) The best thing that ever happened to me was yanking her out of my life like some cancer.”

“Well first of all, Luanne is a sick human being. I don’t know who Chief Kish Mir In Tuchus is, but what is this Countess business? Who do you call Countess? We live in a democracy!! Real royalty, seriously, they don’t insist that people should call them by their titles, because in the US we don’t bow and we don’t kiss ass to no countess! Where is she from? From Connecticut!! Some Indian town. I’m glad her husband dumped her! She deserved it.” (Way harsh, Mom.)

“I have never seen any of the O.C .girls constantly talk behind the back and bickering like here. And this is the Countess? Where is half a brain? And the one that I hate the most. That Kelly. Oy gevalt. I’m telling you Mr. Ed. Put them side by side! Same face. I’m waiting to see the two new cast members cause maybe there’s half a brain in there somewhere.”

“Bethenny? She doesn’t bother me. She’s a smart girl. She knows how to finagle. You know what, she made something of herself. That countess business has to end ASAP. Seriously.”

“Ramona. Well. As meshuge as Ramona is — and she has crazy eyes — but that Luanne has no business bringing this up on the boat. Mario can’t be normal, he’s married to Ramona, what do you want? And then for Jill to stick her nose – Let Luanne fight her own battles! But these Jews they have to be in everything. She had to stick her nose in everything, why?”

Why, indeed. Thanks for the recap, Mom, totally light-hearted and friendly-spirited as always.

What did you guys think of both of the episodes?