We sat through all 9 hours of last night’s 82nd Academy Awards to bring you the following post, featuring the Best and Worst Moments from the 2010 Oscars. Here they are:
The Best Moments
Music By Prudence, Speech By The Gods of Hilarity
Oh Music By Prudence. Who on EARTH would have guessed that what is usually considered a fantastic time to urinate in a toilet/fix yourself a snack (Best Documentary Short nomination) ended up being one of the highlights of the night. Two winners were announced: Roger Ross Williams and Elinor Burkett. Roger, a young, psyched-to-be-alive African American gentleman, bounded up onto the stage with a rare enthusiasm to collect his statue and begin his speech — when Elinor, who likely spends her down time doing Anne Meara impressions, cut in. Her speech? Unintelligible. The backstory?? GENIUS. These two have been feuding for over a year. And what better time to reconcile than on stage at the Academy Awards? If you missed this clip, don’t worry… turns out it wasn’t America’s first live-broadcasted stroke.
The Unassuming Mug of Javier Bardem
If “Where’s Waldo” ever decided to swap his striped henley for a white linen button down and his narrow, white face for that of a giant, tan, sexy hamhock with eyes, that would kind of be like seeing Javier Bardem sitting ever so unassumingly next to g-friend Penelope Cruz last night.
Samuel L. Jackson’s Reaction Shot
What is not to love about this? (via ONTD)
This guy… where do you start with Schmerkin? First of all, his name. Can’t get enough Schmerkin, no way, no how. He won Best Animated Short Film for “Logorama,” the only animated short that had the horse sense to reference “Shoneys.” Schmerkin, a petite French fellow, was also the only winner of the evening with the good graces to encourage people to give it up: “You can applaud them, the directors.” Aw, Schmerx, never change.
Neil Patrick Harris’ Opening Number
Is there a better way to open the Oscars than with the most versatile actor in Hollywood, NPH, basically rollerblading to the front of the stage in a sequined tux holding an invisible sign that says “This Whole Night Is Super Gay”? Answer? No. There is no better way. I never thought I’d say these words, but God Bless You, Neil Patrick Harris. You are above all a talent and a class act.
Zoe Saldana’s Dress
By FAR my favorite dress of the night. The entire thing was like a fantasy. Forget the fact that Zoe herself looked like she got a hold of the Altoid diet back in 2007 and hasn’t strayed off it for a day… The color, the cut, the sparkle… we were dazzled. We’ve already pre-ordered one to hang on the science-class skeleton hung in our foyer.
Oprah Winfrey to Gabby Sidibe
First of all, can we talk about how amazing Oprah looked? Really, did they invent some sort of million dollar pair of platinum Spanx for this woman or did Stedman finally get the door to their walk-in meat living room welded shut? Something happened, because she looked radiant. Oprah was there to introduce Gaby Sidibe’s Best Actress nomination, and gave the kind of speech that most people would literally slit their wrists to get from the Queen of Car-Giving-Away-ing. Gaby, in turned, cried. She cried for all of us. It was special.
Hosts Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin
Killed it. The show was much darker than last year’s Hugh Jackman Rainbow Connection, and we were feelin’ it. More of these two next year, please.
The Return of Jake Gyllenhaal
Prince of Persia will certainly be the worst movie since *insert worst gay porn title here* *NOT THERE. Here.* That being said, Daaaayummm Jake! The guy is Reverse Savaging like a f**king maniac.
The Return of the Kangol Hat
Everyone can always count on the thankfully inimitable Samuel L. Jackson to whip his formal Kangol hat out for such occasions. But nobody expected there two be two — TWO – Kangol hats in attendance on Oscar night. The other hat is thanks to a man named Barney Burman, who took home an Oscar for his make-up work in the movie Star Trek. Do we smell trend? Oh, that’s ponytail grease? Nast.
Or, as we like to call him “White Ray Charles” or “Glaucoma McGillicutty.” Seriously, if someone said to you “Hey, I want you to meet my friend T-Bone Burnett” and this joker walked into a bar, you would calmly get up, leave, and never speak to this person again. Because you don’t associate yourself with liars. This is what makes T-Bone one of the greatest characters alive, and also a reference to a fantastic Seinfeld episode.
Ben Stiller’s Avatar Homage
Rumor had it Sacha Baron Cohen was supposed to be a part of this little stunt, though chances her he would have left a blue ass print on Jim Cameron’s face… so he was axed. Still: Avatar Make-up + Half-Jew + Na’vi/Passover Prayer (We Think) = Comedy Homerun.
The Hurt Locker Screenwriter Mark Boal and I Touched Backs Once
Not so much a highlight for you guys as it is for me. That’s right, during the Critic’s Choice Awards last January, my back and Mark Boal’s back touched for, let’s say, 10 seconds. Had I known this guy was going to win an Oscar for Best Screenplay and Best Picture, I clearly would have had my back bronzed for safekeeping.
Sandra Bullock’s Awards Sweep Weekend
She won a Razzie on Saturday for her turn in All About Steve. Yesterday, an Oscar for Best Actress in The Blind Side. SANDRA BULLOCK!! Star of our favorite movies Speed and Love Potion No. 9… is now an OSCAR WINNER. Leave it to her to plan on placing both awards side by side. What an emotional trip to the toilet that’s gonna end up being.
Tim Robbins’ Introduction of Morgan Freeman
We often think aloud… Why aren’t there more Shawshank jokes? Luckily, Tim Robbins is usually within earshot of us, and here we are. Treat yourself with a relaxing vacay to Ziuatanejo, and Skype me if you need a pal.
A Night of Firsts!
It took 82 years of Oscars to be handed out before a woman was handed one for Best Director, Katheryn Bigelow for The Hurt Locker. A first!! Last night also marked the first time a former host of a VH1 reality show won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress, specifically Mo’Nique and Charm School. Next year, we’re putting all of our Oscar Pool cash on Dr. Drew Pinsky for Best Adapted Screenplay, because they still don’t give out Oscars for “Best Forearms.”
Sarah Jessica Parker’s Dress
I called my mother today to find out what she thought of last night’s show. Of the many things she had to say: “I thought that Sarah Jessica Parker looked like a million dollars. Everybody wore the same facacta dress in a different variation. I loved her dress, very chic. With her hair — looked like Grace Kelly — this is what i used to wear in the 60s! I’m coming back in style, Michelle, whether you like it or not. And I don’t think you like it.” Well put, mother. For my take on SJP last night, see below.
The John Hughes Tribute
The man is a legend, the Shakespeare of teenage angst. The lengthy tribute featuring appearances by some of the most well known actors to appear in his work was funny, moving, touching, and necessary. Also Macauley Culkin was there. How has Tarantino not snatched him up for a comeback role yet?
The Worst Moments
The John Hughes tribute was touching. But one thing we’re definitely not touching is Judd Nelson’s face. Unless he’s actually the corpse ghost of John Lennon.
Sean Penn’s Introductory Speech, Summed Up By Sean Penn
The Least Touching In Memorium Montage in Oscar History
These Academy sons of… first, they rope us in with the Ghost theme – manipulative, to say the least, as it’s our spin class movie score of choice. Then what do they do? They leave out two of the most saddening deaths from last year: Both Farrah Fawcett and Bea Arthur were left out of the montage. Then, to really piss us off, they had JAMES TAYLOR singing “In My Life” in the background:
James Taylor is perhaps my least favorite half-bald folk singer of all time. This is the one time of year I block out time in my schedule to cry, and last night, nothing. You have failed me, Academy.
The Near Snubbing of Inglourious Basterds
While we’re very happy The Hurt Locker walked away with the big award last night, we also must admit it wasn’t our favorite movie of last year. That honor would go to Inglourious Basterds, Quentin Tarantino’s epic Jew-venge movie that had a little something for everyone, specifically Nazi killing. We can’t help but think that if they had waited to release this movie in December, or Oscar Primetime Month, it would have had a much better shot at taking Best Picture. And, for what it’s worth, every single person we’ve discussed this with agrees. So there.
The Spectacularly Misguided Horror Montage
On second thought, HOLY CHRIST NO WHY HE IS A BOY STOP THE PAIN. Good job including New Moon in that montage, Academy producers.
George Clooney’s Girlfriend
We revert once again back to my Mother’s conversation from earlier: “That girl, what is she, a chandelier? Coupla times they asked her questions, and she just stood there like a plant. And during the show when the camera went on him — I don’t think she speaks a word of English! But you know what, she should learn something.”
Sandy Powell’s Winning Speech
Sandy Powell won an Oscar for Best Costume Design in Young Victoria, not, as you would have assumed from her speech, for BIGGEST C*NT EVER: “Wow. Well, I already have two of these. So I’m feeling greedy. I’d like to dedicate this one to the costume designers that don’t do movies about dead monarchs or glittery musicals. The designers that do the contemporary films and the low-budget ones actually don’t get as recognized as they should do, and they work as hard. So this is for you, but I’m gonna take it home tonight.” We think she was trying to be humble? We’re not really sure what she was trying for, but while we’re at it, nice beret.
The 2010 Say Yes To The Dress Phenomenon
I know who spent the weekend at Kleinfelds! A bunch of lucky wealthy assh*les. But on a separate note, what’s with this white wedding look? Both Amanda Seyfried and Jennifer Lopez wore white Armani gowns with subtle variation… a resemblance that will absolutely, 100 percent be responsible for the deaths of Seyfriend and/or Armani.
The Animatronic Red Carpet Interviewer, Kathy Ireland 3000
Who had the divine pleasure of catching
Weekend at Bernie’s 4 Kathy Ireland interviewing celebrities on ABC’s Red Carpet Preshow? Kathy’s corset was tied so tight the bitch could not put her arms down. She basically spent all of 2009 in Disney’s Hall of Presidents studying how they move in order to replicate actual human interaction. The result?
SHE IS TERRIFYINGGGGGG. Why did this happen to America WHY? Send her back to Wales or Greenland or wherever she’s from. (Last name joke, think about ittttxo.)
SWAT Worms Its Way Into The Telecast
Congrats, Oscars. You just took a giant Cleveland Steamer all over yourself by allowing Colin Farrell to make reference to his film with Jeremy Renner… SWAT.
The “Look How Hip We Are” Mid-Ceremony Gap Ad
Here’s something we bet you never thought you’d hear the Academy Awards say: “Watch dancers pop and krump at the 82nd Annual Academy Awards® dance auditions.” But that’s exactly what they did. They krumped their little hearts out!
George Clooney’s Pierced Earring Scar and Hair
Finally, one more thought from dear Mom: “Let me tell you something: You know what wear and tear shows like? He looked like he lost all luster. He used to be so sharp, every hair in its place… what happened? He looks like sh*t.” Sorry George. We sort of like his pierced earring scar. Show’s us that even the slickest of cats was, at some point in their life, desperate for sex.
Sarah Jessica Parker’s Dress
Sarah Jessica Parker is a style icon, yes, but if any of you caught her on HDTV earlier in the evening, you know that she looked like an Alaskan husky who fell into the grinder at the local beef jerky plant. To be fair, if I sh*t diamonds I’d want to wear a dress celebrating it too. All is forgiven, SJP.