LOST NON-RECAP: Paging “Dr. Linus”

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Dan Hopper, your usual Lost-Recapper-In-Chief (that’s his actual title here) is away this week and plans to do a full recap of this episode when he returns. However, because this is the only site on the internet still talking about Lost, we wanted to give you guys a forum to sound off on last night’s episode. I won’t do a full recap, but I have some thoughts of my own about this one before the floor is yours. If you haven’t watched the episode yet, don’t read this. I don’t even know why you’ve made it this far to begin with. Stop ruining it for yourself. Go.

The show opened up with Dr. Sideways Teacher Benjamin Linus teaching a bunch of hopeless, not-special-in-least-but-maybe-one public school kids about Napoleon Bonaparte‘s exile on the island of Elba. I’m assuming this is some kind of metaphor for SOMEONE on the show… but WHO? Probably that flight attendant who keeps popping up this season.

Teacher Ben is also just so sick of being stuck with detention duty and missing his History Club meetings thanks to that dickhead from Die Hard and Ghostbusters in his most challenging acting role yet: a dickhead principal. Maybe when all this Lost stuff wraps, we can get a Glee-esque spinoff featuring Dr. Sideways Teacher Ben mentoring Alex and a ragtag group of students through the world of extracurricular competitive history.


Back on the island, Jack and Richard Alpert play dynamite roulette in the Black Rock because Richard reveals he can’t die ever since Jacob let him borrow his “Invisible Touch” cassette once. Jack tries to kill himself for the second time this season (even Jack is sick of Jack), but as he predicted, the fuse blows out at the last second. I was really hoping the dynamite would just explode and the smoke would clear only to find Richard and Jack looking like Daffy Duck after he accidentally blows himself up. Then they do it six more times.

Meanwhile, Sideways Ben’s old dad (who we all already know as Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite… I’ll get back to this) says he wishes Ben could have gotten his PhD in high school detention. However, they bailed too early on the Dharma Initiative, which apparently still exists in Sidewaystown, USA. See, you can take Lost out of the Dharma Initiative, but you can’t take the Dharma Initiative out of Lost… or something.

So wait… we have Napoleon, dynamite, and Uncle Rico. Coincidence, or was this entire episode a veiled allusion to that offbeat comedy from 2004… THE SAME YEAR OCEANIC FLIGHT CRASHED! Oh man, I’m on to something here. I just figured out all of Lost. I don’t even need to watch the rest of the season. I got it all.

Also, Miles got himself PAID, son.

I’ll leave the rest up to you. Your thoughts on Episode 7 of this increasingly awesome season? Go:

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