Our Long National Nightmare Is Over: Billy Mitchell Dethroned As Donkey Kong King

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If you’ve never seen the documentary The King of Kong, you’re missing the greatest sports movie ever in all of history. Go rent it. Otherwise this means nothing to you and you’ll never realize how empty your life was before this movie came along. I WEEP for you, sir or madam. I weep.

If you have seen it, hold on to your butts. This story is today’s NY Daily News:

A Queens plastic surgeon has been crowned the king of Donkey Kong.

Dr. Hank Chien, 35, racked up a score of 1,061,700 on the classic arcade video game, smashing the old record by 10,000 points. Chien’s dazzling feat was confirmed by Twin Galaxies, the official score keeper of electronic games.

While it’s sad that hero teacher Steve Wiebe did not take down Billy goddam Mitchell again, it’s nice to have a new expansion team in this fight for the very soul of mankind. Because truthfully, we all know judgement day will come down to a single game of Donkey Kong between good and evil, and Billy Mitchell plays for Team Evil.

My hat is off to you, Dr. Hank Chien. Now go get laid, sir (but maybe don’t bring up the Donkey Kong thing beforehand).

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