Double U – Tee – Eff was up with this episode?
Before we get to it though, we just want to say right off that we re-watched parts of the Wednesday night American Idol and, on second viewing, the judges’ behavior only seemed more awkward. Kara DioGuardi’s blubbering and Ellen DeGeneres’ stage rush don’t get any less annoying or creepy with time. Moving on though to more the more pressing matters at hand, the Thursday show. This episode revealed the names of the final twelve contestants and we just have to say, America, you are a bunch of idiots and your ears are stupid. Also, we got the return of Scott MacIntyre and Matt Giraud singing Billy Joel’s “Tell Her About It”, with “It” being the remote control – she could have used it to change the channel, that’s how infuriating the show was.
With only a Michael Bublé group song standing between the contestants and their destiny, we got a speedy results show and there were plenty of surprises. We were totally floored by some of the cuts that were made, but we’ve also resigned ourselves to the fact that this is a competition between Crystal Bowersox and Michael Lynche, so ultimately the others don’t matter. Still though, cutting Alex Lambert and Lilly Scott and keeping Lacey Brown, Aaron Kelly and Paige Miles? Whatever, dudes. We’ve become despondent and listless and are currently grappling with a state of Idol-induced depression because that’s just wrong. Bad hair or not, Alex Lambert had an insane voice. (We can’t defend Lilly that much, although we do love how she towered over Ryan every week.) The four cuts made were Alex, Lilly, Todrick Hall and Katelyn Epperly. We absolutely think Alex had a chance to win it, and while we didn’t love the other three, they were certainly not the worst.
Here now, a list of the the twelve finalists, in descending order as judged by us, your friendly but angry/depressed recapper. Obviously since none of our predictions for the final 12 were correct, take these with a grain of salt, right now it’s just wishful thinking. If we sound bitter, it’s because we really, really are.
12. Katie Stevens – Katie has years of practice ahead of her. We suspect that next week when it’s a Rolling Stones theme, her lack of experience and chaste demeanor won’t really translate into Mick Jagger-esque stage slithering.
11. Aaron Kelly - We can’t talk about Aaron right now, we are so confused and stunned that he’s still here. Like Katie, he is but a teen with a wobbly voice, although his well-kept eyebrows are impressive. Still, the fact that he’s still in the game and Todrick Hall and Alex Lambert are not makes us shake with rage.
10. Tim Urban- Ellen’s hug saved this clown from imminent death this week, but when he does flame out, we’ll be sure to play “Hallelujah” at the memorial.
9. Lacey Brown – Blech. The Sundays and Lush and Frente (remember Frente??) and The Cranberries and, yes, Sixpence None The Richer all want their shtick back.
8. Paige Miles – She managed to turn “Smile” into a dirge, so we’re sure the room will be a ball of laughs if she chooses to sing “Gimme Shelter” next week. Rape! Murder! It’s just a shot away.
7. Didi Benami – We have nothing against Didi except that, like Lacey, her voice feels small and cute compared to Siobhan or Crystal.
6. Andrew Garcia- Andrew did peak early in the contest, but we still have hope that his voice will save him. Maybe he just needs to change his game plan and be a little more rockin’.
5. Casey James - Casey still hasn’t outrun his label as Kara’s man whore, but he can’t win this. He could win “Abercrombie Model” Idol, or “Boys Of The Farm, The 2010 Calendar” Idol, but his voice has no chance against the rest of the contenders below.
4. Siobhan Magnus - Barring a crazy misstep, we think Siobhan the Glass Blower still has a long stay ahead of her on the Idol stage. She’s constantly challenging herself with new styles of music and we bet she’ll kill during Rolling Stones week.
3. Lee Dewyze – We’re putting Lee at the top of our list purely because we have no idea what America wants anymore. He’s a good singer, though a little bland for our tastes, but he has appeal. Generic, rock guy appeal. Nothing is more American than that.
2. & 1. Crystal Bowersox & Michael Lynche It’s a toss up. Michael is fun to watch and picks great songs. Crystal is fun to watch and plays harmonica. Sophie’s choice, at this point.
[Photo: Getty Images]