When I first read that Spencer Pratt has decided to leave MTV’s The Hills, I high-fived everyone on my block. Even my elderly dry cleaner who pronounces my name “Tom Gam.” But then I suddenly became very scared. Spencer isn’t going to just go away, right? We aren’t that lucky. It could be way worse for everyone if he leaves the show to pursue acting or politics or open a chain of affordable Manhattan dry cleaners with a heavily saturated marketing campaign.
Then I read this quote from People:
“Upon learning of President Obama‘s declaration that the ‘cyber threat is one of the most serious economic and national security challenges we face as a nation,’ I have decided to refocus my energy and devote my full resources to helping America face this and other unprecedented challenges,” he says.
“My new mission is this: To do my part in maintaining the technological superiority of the U.S. military and prevent emerging technologies from threatening our nation’s security.”
Is that real? Or is Heidi‘s latest plastic surgery giving off some pretty potent toxic paint fumes? If Spencer is, in fact, serious about becoming America’s real life Neo from The Matrix, he should just use his new found powers to spam the Inboxes of America’s cyber-enemies and Nigerian princes with the same cringe-inducing photos he subjected us to for years, like this one:
They’ll stop attacking us within minutes. Then they’ll burn their eyeballs in acid and get American flags tattooed on their lower back. USA! USA!