An Open Letter To That Tattooed Lady Who Is Ruining Sandra Bullock’s Life.

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Dear Tattooed Lady,

I, along with everyone else today, read on every single website in existence that Jesse James is cheating on Sandra Bullock with you.  And then I actually read one of the whole stories, and it turns out that the reason we all know about this now is because you decided to tell the story to In Touch magazine.  On behalf of all people, I would like to say to you this:  Not cool, tattooed lady.  Way not cool.  Now I’ve got a couple of questions for you:

Really Tattoo Lady?  You couldn’t give Sandra Bullock a whole two weeks to enjoy the crowning achievement of her career?  You thought 10 days after her winning an Oscar was about the right amount of time to wait before you sent her world into a tailspin?  You couldn’t just let her have March?  Were you afraid that if you waited until April nobody would be able to use the “Sandra Bullock Blindsided” headline?  You shouldn’t have been afraid of that.  I promise that would have still been all the headlines.

Also, you said in your interview that you were given the impression that Jesse James and Sandra Bullock had split up.  Fair enough.  I can believe that he gave you that impression.  But maybe, just maybe, you could have tried to…I don’t know…CHECK.  That’s an easy thing to check.  Like, I didn’t even check, and I knew.   You could have checked with me.  I would have been like, “Oh yeah, they’re still together.”  And then you would have been like, “Okay, but I’m going to sleep with Jesse James anyway.”  Because, come on, look at yourself.

Anyway, all of that being said, I love you very very much and there is nothing so horrible that you can’t tell me about it.  I’ll always be here for you.

Kisses,

Noah

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