We watched Dancing With The Stars for the first time last night and, holy mediocrity, is that show a load of glittery diarrhea. Really America? This is what you’ve spent the last few years blowing your media load over? It only took two hours for us to tire of the blow outs, the Russian accents and the stiff stick arms (we hope Erin Andrews and Nicole Scherzinger stuffed themselves at In N Out Burger after the show), but we’re going to suffer through it for one reason and one reason only: Pam Anderson’s Aunt Vie.
So much made sense after seeing that goddess shuffling around her kitchen: 1. we now know where Pam gets her drop dead gorgeous looks from and 2. we also know how Pam’s going to age, and we hope it involves lots of black hair dye. We’ll call in and vote for Pammy every week if it means we get to see Aunt Vie shimmy around in her Sunday best. Plus we’ll be doing Pam’s dancing partner a favor, as she’s clearly one rehearsal away from cha-chaing onto to his penis.
Since we suffered through everyone’s routines, here’s our opinion of Pam’s competition, delivered in free association form because these idiots deserve nothing less (or more):
- Kate Gosselin: Sequins only further highlight that she’s the most miserable person on earth. No, the extensions don’t help.
- Shannen Doherty: Our personal fave, for reasons that haven’t been relevant since 1992. Also, she cried real tears. That’s worth something!
- Chad Ocho Cinco: Hotter and crazier without the football uniform on.
- Jake The Bachelor: Flying high upon the wings of dumb. Do us a solid America and vote this waste of life off the show.
- Aiden Turner: If this guy doesn’t already play a date rapist on TV, he should. Creepsville, USA.
- Erin Andrews: Limbs everywhere.
- Niecy Nash: Her sass is better than her dance moves.
- Nicole Scherzinger: She’s good, and this makes her loathsome. She should go home after The Bachelor.
- Evan Lysacek: Sorry America, your national hero is actually a robot.
- Buzz Aldrin: Most embarassing grandparent ever, second only to his wife and her surgery face.
