Here’s A Guy Who Shouldn’t Have Pistol Whipped His Mom 12 Years Ago.


Okay,  this is a really long crazy thing.  So let’s just start at the beginning.

Bone Thugs-N-Harmony.  They are a rapper band.  Or something.  You remember them from the mid-to-late 90’s when their song “The Crossroads” was all the some of the rage.  Anyway, one of the rapper band members —  the one pictured above on the far right —  is named Flesh-N-Bone.   He was arrested on Monday, and the scene was described by the Huffington Post as such:

Thirty-six-year-old Stanley Howse – whose stage name is Flesh-N-Bone – was in jail Monday, a day after he was taken into custody during a show in the group’s hometown of Cleveland.

Sheriff’s spokesman John O’Brien says deputies didn’t wait until after the show because Howse seemed to notice them, invited audience members to the stage and tried to slip out. He was arrested backstage.

O’Brien says Howse was wanted on domestic violence and felonious assault charges. The rapper is accused of striking his mother with a gun in 1998, leaving a 1-inch (2.5-centimeter) gash on her head.

That’s it.  Those are all the facts as published.  Okay?  No, not okay.  It makes no sense.   First of all, why did the police feel they needed to go out of their way to explain their reasons for not letting the concert finish?  I think pretty much every one was pre-okay with that.  And then the whole it’s-been-12-years thing.  There is a rational explanation for that.  And I get it.  But given just this description of events, you have to do a lot of your own deductive reasoning to figure it out.  And I believe the most logical series of events one can put together from the above story is as follows:

In 1998, a member of Bone Thugs-N-Harmony named Flesh-N-Bone cracked his mom over the head with a gun in Cleveland, Ohio.  Upon learning of this, the area police were like, “Well, it only seems right to let the Bone Thugs’ careers play out fully until they are only used as a semi-obscure reference before we act on this.”  Last Monday, one of those officers said, “Aaaaaand PERFECT!” and got the old team back together again to finally arrest Flesh-N-Bone.  But another one of the officers said, “Guys….hold on here.  The only decent thing to do is let the Bone Thugs play one final concert in its entirety before we take this guy down.”  Being the HUGE Bone Thugs-N-Harmony fans that all police officers in the world are, the other police officers cried in unison, “Yes.  A million yesses.”

After purchasing a handful of the many, many still available tickets, the group of police officers convoyed in their squad cars to the Bone-Thugs-N-Harmony concert.  As you would expect, they were all dressed in full uniform because they wanted to look GOOD.   Or maybe it’s the law.

The officers arrived and took their seats.  Bone Thugs-N-Harmony opened with “The Crossroads.”  Ballsy.

During intermission at the concert, one of the Bone Thugs roadies approached Flesh-N-Bone.  Excuse me, Mr. N-Bone,” said the roadie, “There seems to be a rather large contingent of fully uniformed and easily recognizable police officers at this particular Bone Thugs-N-Harmony concert.  You don’t think they’re here just to arrest you for hitting your mom over the head with a pistol 12 years ago, do you?”

“I believe they are,” responded Flesh-N-Bone.  “I believe they are.” Flesh-N-Bone then gathered the other members of Bone Thugs-N-Harmony in a backstage intermission huddle.

“Is this about that time your pistol whipped your mom?” asked Krayzie Bone, the member of Bone Thugs-N-Harmony whose name appears first on their Wikipedia page.

“It certainly is,” said Flesh-N-Bone.  He continued.  “I need your help, guys.  I need your help to escape.  Here’s what we’re going to do:  When we go back on stage, we’re going to invite audience members to come up with us.  In the confusion that will undoubtedly ensue, I will make my stealthy egress.”

“Oh, sort of like a weird Oceans 11 type thing?” asked Krayzie Bone.

“Yes.  Right again,” replied Flesh-N-Bone.

The members of Bone Thugs-N-Harmony returned to the stage to execute Flesh-N-Bone’s escape plan.  As audience members were invited to join the the Bone Thugs, one of the police officers felt the hairs on the back of his neck prick up.  “Wait a minute!”  He stood up and turned to his fellow officers.  “I think they’re trying to do a weird Oceans 11 type thing.”

“F*%K!!!” yelled the sergeant or captain or whatever.  “They haven’t even played ‘First of the Month‘ Yet!

“But sir! — ” shouted back the officer with erect neck hair.

“I Know!” interrupted the sergeant or captain or whatever.  He continued ruefully.  “We’re going to have to take him down before the show plays out in its entirety.”

The officers rushed backstage — they all had backstage passes.  They tackled Flesh-N-Bone.   An officer walkie-talkied the sheriff at headquarters to brief him in on what had happened.  “Well, we’re going to need to make a statement,” said the sheriff.  “People are going to want to know why we didn’t wait until the end of the concert to arrest Flesh-N-Bone.”

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