My Mother Recaps The Real Housewives: Sh*t Just Got Real (Housewives)

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Last night’s brand new episode of The Real Housewives of New York City was an emotional rollercoaster made out of live grenades. Kelly showed up to her Playboy interview only to find actor Sam Rockwell awaiting her with sexy open arms. Luanne hulked around. Ramona managed to stomp her little bound feet and throw a restaurant tantrum. Bethenny and Jill erupted into one of the most epic phone fights in housewives history.

And all Alex wanted to do was plan a fashion show in Brooklyn.

As is becoming tradition, I phoned my Mother in Miami in between commercial breaks to get her thoughts on what was transpiring. Read through her recap here, but make sure to read it all the way through… by the end, even she didn’t know what to believe anymore.

On Kelly Bensimon and Her Date:

Kelly’s interview guy was a good looking guy. But her pouting! I wanted to take like some sandpaper and wipe it off her face… I hate her. ‘What do you read? (snotty voice) My children’s books.’ She couldn’t even name a book, not even a kiddie book! She needs to read a European book? Really? How about some f**kin american… any literature! I just can’t. I only hope the guy doesn’t call her. I think he felt obligated to ask her out because she was like drooling all over him.

On Jill Zarin, Before the Epic Phone Call with Bethenny:

Let me tell you, sooner than later Jill is going to alienate everybody. Did you see the email she just sent to Kelly? Kelly’s right! What business… this is a show, this is New York, they’re in the same circle… she’s just not ashamed?? What is this?? I see that Bethenny is trying to smooth things over. But Jill is so cocky. She is gonna get f*cked, Michelle, at the end, you wait and see. Bethenny needs to lay low. Because Jill is going to f*ck herself, you’ll see.

Jill is literally uncontrollable. And what the hell is her daughter doing modeling for Seventeen? That knedle… Curves?? She looks like a matzah ball! She did, I’m sorry. (Ed. Note: Should explain to you how I was raised.)

On Kelly in General:

Great figure. Mr. Ed with a great body. “Oh I was married to Gilles Bensimon!” Yeah, really? So how come you divorced him? I don’t give a sh*t who you were married to! I think he was Jewish. Anytime you hear Ben , it’s “son of.” Gilles Son of Shee-mone.

On Ramona Singer’s Lunchtime Breakdown:

You know what? I felt so bad for the girlfriend. She looked like a normal woman. And I’m looking at the look in her eye, and I’m thinking “I feel so bad for you that you’re stuck there with this meshuggah.” I’m sure she grew up with a crazy father, whatever, on the other hand I like Mario. I like him a lot.

Ramona would be pretty if not her meshuggeneh eyes. Every time she bulges them out… I think “What is that?”

On Alex McCord:

Let me tell you something: That Alex is a lady.

On Luann de Lesseps:

She turned from a Contessa to a pathetic creature, in my opinion. A. She has no social standing. You can call her Contessa all you want, it doesn’t mean anything. One time Daddy had a dog named contessa — No, Princess! Daddy’s dog was a Princess, excuse me.

I’ll admit that the Hamptons is f*cking gorgeous. What a house… It’s worth millions. Look she’s a multimillionairess, shes just, without that Count, she’s like a nothing. Basically. She’s not even a Dame. Lady. Dame. Then… Baroness. Margaret Thatcher is Baroness. There is an order, you know. Then Countess, is above Baroness.

After the infamous phone call that closed out the show, my phone rings. And believe it or not, Mother was singing an altogether different Jill tune:

Let me tell you something. Jill is right. Jill is right. Because before this whole book business, Bethenny was the poorest one of all of them. She spent time with Jill, Hamptons, Shmamptons, then not to come and visit Bobby? She’s crying because she knows she f*cked up. You go it’s a mitzvah. “I heard that he’s sick. Can I come and visit?” Something. Oh wow.

The putting on the speaker phone, that annoyed me, but when the truth came out… Bethenny didn’t look very nice here. Now all of a sudden, he’s sick, thyroid cancer… F*ck the email! You call up! Can I come and visit you? I wanna know how Bobby is doing!

I stopped being friendly with Leslie Lefkowitz for something similar. I was going to have a big dinner party, and all of a sudden I came down with this eye infection. Conjunctivitis. It was contagious. I was worried people would catch it. So I canceled the dinner. That motherf**ker never called once!

“Judy, hi, it’s me, how is your eye?” If this were me, wouldn’t I call up to find out how my friend’s eye is? I thought “What am I friendly with a bunch of selfish bitches for? F*ck her!”

And wow. Bethenny. Wow. I think she knows she f*cked up. I think so. It looks like it.

Of all the Housewife seasons, this is the best. The bickering that they have, this and that and this, it’s just amazing. A lot of animosity. It’s like a bad cocktail.

*END*

Thanks, Mom, for your unfailingly brutal insights.