Fat Elvis Impersonator Can’t Believe He Dated Mischa Barton

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Ugh, Brandon Davis. The man made famous for being the first bacon-wrapped human being to comment on the color of Lindsay Lohan’s pubic hairs has now moved his lardmouthed pursuits to publicly attack ex-girlfriend Mischa Barton.

By now, you’ve seen the photos of Mischa donning a pair of high-waisted (high/wasted) yellow jeans. Flattering they weren’t. But you know, in a way it’s refreshing to see a celebrity who isn’t put together by a stylist. What would this world be like without our share of hot messes?

Yes, we can all agree these pants/that shirt were not a great idea. But the LAST PERSON ON EARTH who should have any opinion about what other people look like is Brandon Davis. And yet, his Twitter:

As my internet friend Claire Zulkey points out, “@BrandonDavis14 Hey d*ckhead. Get it right. It’s ‘heifer.’” Sssssnap!

Can someone please fill me in on who raised this guy? Because two people who could produce the most worthless people on the planet — Brandon and his brother Jason “Gummi Bear” Davis, the posterchild for overweight sweaty privileged cokeheads — should either be shot or immediately cast on Dancing with the Stars.

Brandon, do you even have any idea how worthless you are? Or is because you know exactly how worthless you are that you act in the way you do?

As far as Mischa is concerned, don’t worry girl. You might be completely out of your mind, but we’re on your side. And just because you’re still the same nutcase we fell in love with years ago, here’s a GIF to keep handy when you’re feeling down:

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