Let’s Check In On All Our Childhood Search Engines


Everyone loves Google.  Google is great.  And everybody remembers the first time they made a “what happens if you Google “Google?” joke and thought they were the first one to come up with it.  That was an important moment in all of our lives.  But, before Google became “the” search engine, there were all those other search engines.  We don’t use them anymore, but they’re still there — just hanging around.   Let’s see what they’re up to.  Whuddup, Yahoo?

Yahoo’s still sort of a thing.  They’ve got a solid weird news section (otherwise known as “oddly enough”) that I still look at sometimes.  Sadly though, I usually do a search for “yahoo weird news” on Google to get to that page.  But, I’m sure a lot of great aunts out there still Yahoo, and good for them.

AltaVista though?  Oh, man.

Oh heyyyyy, AltaVista.  I haven’t seen you in so long.  What’s it been?  13 years?  Wow, you look….terrible.

What is AltaVista doing?  It looks like a fake search engine that a character would use in an action movie.  AltaVista should change it’s name to “Internet Search.”  Oh, excuse me.  Hold on.  I’m getting a call from Lycos.

Hello, Lycos.  Yeah.  I’m actually kind of busy talking about search engines that were actual used by at least one person at least one time in the history of the world.  So, I’m going to go ahead and hang up?  Yeah, cool.  Wait, real quick… you were supposed to be a dog?  Named Lycos?  You know that’s not like…a dog’s name…  Whatever.  Never mind.  I’m going to let you get back to doing your apparently way popular searches for “blindfolds,” you big creep.

Now onto Ask Jeeves.  Ask Jeeves claimed to be awesome because you could actually ask questions!  Like instead of entering in “HPV” you could type in “Jeeves, what is wrong with my genitals?” (You use search engines to look up STD symptoms every time you sleep with a new person and you know it.)  Ask Jeeves tried to play into our dreams of being rich and our fantasy that one day we would have a butler with all the answers.  And, you know what?  It kind of worked.  I used to ask Jeeves stuff every once in a while.  And in England you can still ask Jeeves some stuff on www.askjeeves.co.uk.

Snazzy suit, Jeeves.  Lookin’ good.  But, in America, they dropped Jeeves some years back.  America just gets Ask.com now.  No mention of a Jeeves.  And that is ridiculous because of this:

They don’t let us know that guy is Jeeves.  So now you’re trying to do an internet search and there’s just this nameless asshole standing over you while you ask what’s wrong with your genitals.  Gross.

Okay.  And Bing.  We’re not going to talk about Bing.  Ever.

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