American Idol Liveblog: Of Mics and Mentor

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Tonight’s American Idol is a very special one, as it features Season 8 runner-up Adam Lambert as a real life mentor. I think we can all agree that this season’s Idols have a lot to live up to. For example, hitting more that 2 out of every 5 notes.

We’ve had two glasses of wine at Grand Lux Cafe and bring you this liveblog from the “comfort” of my parents’ bedroom in Miami. In other words, it’ll be a sh*tshow. Here we go!

8 PM: Seacrest sounds drunk. And we just remembered Michael was saved last week. Well, worse case scenario, if he gets booted again he can always create a brand of lip balm made out of his own saliva.

8:04: Lambert got a hold of the side-hair laminating machine. My mother things he looks fabulous, but I can’t help but be distracted by Matthew Morrison of Glee‘s fedora in the background. If Carmen Sandiego is still where in the worlding, we found her.

8:05: “My tongue is not nearly as talented as yours.” — Ryan to Adam. Seacrest is throwing his balls high in the air tonight. American Idol is back people, and it is gaayyyy! We love it.

8:06: Crystal Bowersox is starting the show tonight, meaning it’s all downhill from here.

8:07: Sorry, it’s impossible to liveblog when my Mother is slapping her giant slipper against the tile and talking about what a great show Smoky Joe’s Cafe was. “That’s the song!” *snap snap* “slipper slap* “That’s it!”

8:08: Crystal’s killing it. “Let me tell you, Gloria Estefan can learn from her. Gloria Estefan sucks!” — Mom

8:10: Simon is speaking, and again, in the back, is Mr. Schuester’s fedora. Hat’s show biz.

8:15: Andrew Garcia just is not that great. And thank GOD Adam is being honest about his rendition of “Hound Dog.” “It needs more punch.” — Adam. Here, use our fist.

8:17: He can hold that microphone and strut cross the stage all he wants, but we are busy dirt napping it up. We wonder if his neck tattoo is there to cover up his Frankenstein bolts.

8:20: Jane Lynch and Matthew Morrison should always sit behind Simon. Watching them feign shock at his comments is more entertaining than the performers. Have we mentioned that we’ve already seen tonight’s Glee? And it’s amazing? Great.

8:26: RYAN’S MOMMM! That hair, fantastic. Highlight tweeeyunzzz!

8:26: OMG when Tim Urban sang “falling in love with you” and looked at Adam I couldn’t help but think ~**<3<3**~. Also calling him Turban is surely going to cause him to lose votes from anti-Talibanners Ryan.

8:28: Me: “He sucks.” Mom: “Beyond Sucks.”

8:29: He pulled it together at the end. Mom: “I liked it! It was good.” And this is how I was raised.

8:30: MATTHEW MORRISON FEDORA WATCH: Still perked. They need to give us a close-up of Iqbal Theba ASAP. Adam’s golf clap tells us everything we need to know: That was good, but Lambert would have cracked that shit out of the park.

8:35: Really happy that Adam is being critical of these Idols, unlike Usher or Miley or really any of the other mentors. Lee Dewyze has been pretty good all season, but it’s true: If Chuck E. Cheese ever invested in a Bruce Springsteen animatronic robot, it would be Lee Dewyze.

8:38: Dewyze killed it. Kara tells him he gets too serious when he sings… um, that’s his style. What does she want from this guy? Even Morrison’s Fedora is WTF-shrugging.

8:40: Is it bad that Ryan said the name Aaron Kelly and I had no idea who it was? He looks like a newborn next to Adam. This is like a televised Make-A-Wish kid 3 days before the bucket kicking.

8:42: Not a huge fan of this song, but Aaron is much better than usual. Like… hitting the notessssuh. The Lambert energy has clearly infected these contestants, and judging by Adam’s golf clap and cheshire cat smile, he seems pleased.

8:46: That Siobhan and Adam outro was to die for. Please tell me she’s singing “Suspicious Minds.” She’s been off these past couple of weeks… she has to come back tonight, she just has to.

8:51: Love her look tonight. There must have been a sale on hair shellack.

8:51: OMFG SHE IS SINGING SUSPICIOUS MINDS!! Wait am I a genius? I can’t decide. (Yes.)

8:52: Aw Adam and Siobhan click.

8:52: What is with this country-ass background? What Elvis Geocities MIDI file did she rip this from? Siobhan, what happened??? She’s turned into a poor man’s Linda Ronstadt. I think even Linda would agree this is not a good idea.

8:54:
This arrangement could be considered something of a disaster. But she got a raised clap from Adam — the first of the night — so who knows. I have to see Matthew Morrison’s fedora to decide…

8:56: MATTHEW MORRISON’S FEDORA WATCH: It is grimacing the sh*t outta me right now.

8:57: If Siobhan gets eliminated this week, and the Judges can’t save her because they saved Big Mike… I will not be pleased.

9:01: This KFC Double Down sandwich would nauseate me… but then I remember that their chicken’s don’t even have beaks or reproductive organs, and I relax.

9:02: I can’t believe Seacrest just threw down a Dunkleman burn. He’ll be off “Brooks Was Here-ing” himself Shawshank style later on this evening.

9:03: Mike is going to sing “In The Ghetto,” a song I love. Please, please limit your lip licking to twice per minute, Michael Lynch.

9:04: Not sure I love this melodic interpretation… he sounds good, but changing it too much for my liking. Where’s the melody??

9:05: I just realized, if Michael wins Idol, Keenan Thompson will secure his SNL contract for at least 6 more months.

9:10: Adam telling the contestants to let it out is the right advice. In other words, pretend like you’re talented Katie.

9:12: “I can’t believe of hundreds of songs… I’ve never even heard of this song! Out of the zillions of Elvis songs!” — Mother on Katie

9:13: MATTHEW MORRISON FEDORA WATCH: It looks wilted. Lifeless… Katie might be in trouble tomorrow.

9:19: Oh I love Casey! For all of those who didn’t think Adam was a suitable mentor, ps, f**k off. He’s given better criticism to these kids than most if not all the other mentors.

9:20: Casey pulled his locks back in basically the same sort of ponytail I was wearing all day today. “Another song I’ve never even heard! It’s just annoying!” — Mother on Casey.

9:21: I’m a Casey fan, but this is sounding less American Idol more those machines that when you flip them over it sounds like a sheep bleating. The previous sentence would have been way tighter if I knew what those things were called.

9:22: My Mother is convinced that Simon and Ellen HATE each other. I’ve spent the entire night listening to her interpretations of Simon’s disgust. I might be starting to believe it. Matthew Morrison’s fedora certainly does.

9:24: Listening to all of the performances tonight, Tim, Lee and Crystal were pretty much the best.

9:25: OMFG RYAN HAS TAKEN AWAY MATTHEW’S HAT. FEDORA OUT!! Thanks for joining us.

9:27: GLEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Bye xoxo