LOST RECAP: The Last Recruit – Or The LOST Recruit? BOTH.

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This is a Recap of Lost Season 6 Episode 13 entitled “The Last Recruit”, originally airing April 20th, 2010. Spoilers and complaints within. Also, “spoilerplaints”, a new spoiler/complaint animal hybrid that I’m working on. Some serious Dr. Moreau crap goin’ on over here. That happens in that movie. Whoops! Spoiled that too!

Well, that episode was a bit of a…

After the teaser last week, this was Lost’s crazy Willy Wonka boat ride of doom? Claire meeting lawyer Ilana and Jack going for a swim? The episode was essentially a 50-minute alley-oop pass to an ok slam dunk in the last one minute, and while no individual part was exceptionally painful, no individual part (outside the final minute) was exceptionally make-me-give-a-sh*t-ish either, and given that we’re four episodes from the end of one of the craziest shows ever made, I was expecting crazy-straw levels of crazy and received mere half-order of Little Caesar’s Crazy Bread crazy. Which is not, despite the name, actually very crazy. It’s a little crazy, but not like too too crazy.

Correction, one part was exceptionally painful: “Looks like somebody got her voice back.” Wrapping up the dumbest, most unnecessary subplot in the show’s history with the dumbest, most unnecessary expository line possible? That line single-handedly undid whatever was gained from the Writers’ Strike. Next week’s episode better open with a graphic Locke/Widmore knife fight or an even more graphic Kate/Sawyer sex scene, cause you’re in my doghouse right now, Lost. F*ck that expression, I literally own a doghouse for whenever I’m mad at shows and physically place those shows into it whenever they make me mad, so if anyone’s all like “hey where did the show Lost go?” tell them the show Lost is sitting in my show doghouse for tv shows.

Alright, enough complaining, let’s get to the Recap:

Wait one more complaint — did anyone have any doubt that Jack was gonna jump off that boat? Lost set it up as the exact totally minor mid-episode plot twist everyone was expecting, then he jumped off the boat and it wasn’t really a big deal, then he swam to shore very very easily and that wasn’t a big deal either. Were we supposed to be captivated by swimming? On a show with ghosts and monsters and God fighting the Devil and immortal Spanish slaves and parallel universes and shooting babies? Literal doghouse, is all I’m saying.

Control-V – Alright, enough complaining, let’s get to the Recap:

CRAP THAT HAPPENED ON THE ISLAND

Jack and Locke pick up where they left off last week, discussing their respective ghosty grievances, with DarkLocke explaining that he needed RegularLocke’s dead body brought back to the island for him to inhabit (what’s the opposite of a twist? Straightening? Standing still? Whatta stand-still!) Man In Black says Locke was foolish for believing the island had a purpose for him, based only on the flimsy conjecture that the island miraculously restored his ability to f***ing walk, and tells Jack that he only took the form of Christian Shephard to help the group find water and to broaden his repertoire of impressions for his SNL audition (he also took the forms of Lady Gaga and Tiger Woods).

Locke then square-dance handoffs Jack to Claire so they can go over how they’re brother and sister (another stand-still! What is this, 42, the inverse 24?) Locke reassembles the group but is soon approached by Zoe from Team Widmore demanding that he return what he took from them (read: brothah), and if he doesn’t, she’ll blow up some trees, and who doesn’t love trees? Locke’s like, “Here we go.” and the show goes to commercial. Thrills abound.

Locke also pulls Sayid aside (asayid?) and tells him to execute Desmond, and Sayid tells Desmond he has to do it because Locke promised him he’d bring back his long lost love if Sayid followed his every word, just like Smokey promised Richard last century (he and Sayid now gain admittance to the Suckerz Club, the least exclusive club on the island.) Sayid later tells Locke that he went through with it, which I’m sure he did, cause Lost always kills off major characters offscreen midway through episodes.

Sawyer meanwhile pulls Jack aside and tells him he has a deal with Widmore to double-cross Locke, and needs Jack to somehow, some way pull the remaining important non-demon characters away from the group. Jack agrees, then yells “HEY HURLEY, SUN, FRANK AND WHOEVER ELSE ISN’T EVIL NOW, LET’S GO OVER HERE” but Claire’s like “Waiyytt, I smeyell a dingo!” and follows them to Locke’s boat.

The group of significant non-evil characters boards Locke’s boat and plans to sail to Hyrda island and force Widmore to sub them back to land, but Claire’s like “Hold it right theyah, I’m still evil!” and Kate’s like, “Hop on board, I’ll take you back to Aaron so you can creep him the f*ck out instead of us” and she agrees. While on the boat, Frank sees come canned food (or is it Eko?), leaving Jack to whine to Sawyer that he’s not sure they’re doing the right thing by leaving the island, surely marking the first time anyone has ever faced this dilemma in the history of the show. Sawyer’s like “Then why don’t you jump off my boat, Doctor Doubts?” and Jack does, and surprisingly lands in the water, managing to not f*ck it up.

When Sawyer’s party does arrive at Widmore’s island, Zoe says “I know these guys, it’s cool” and everyone lowers their guns, then she’s like “Psyche it’s not cool deal’s off!” and everyone raises their guns again. They then bomb Locke’s island locale, presumably killing a bunch of the extras in red shirts (so many Easter eggs, I’m gonna make an Easter omelette!) and Locke Forrest Gump-carries Jack to safety. Awww, he has a heart after all! Maybe Widmore is the evil one? Maybe no one is expressly “evil” and everyone’s interest falls somewhere in between, as we’ve been arguing in this space all season?

We’ll find out next week during the Lost Willy Wonka blueberry scene.

CRAP THAT HAPPENED OFF THE ISLAND

The flash-sidewayses began to converge this week, with the episode no longer focusing on one individual and instead jumbling together the characters’ alternate realities into one giant Lost Girl Talk song. The freshly run-over Locke smiled through his whole ambulance ride:

…Probably because he’s havin’ some IslandVisions. He’s rushed to the same hospital as pregnant-and-shot Sun, and the two ride side by side on gurneys, causing Sun to have some IslandVisions. And which spinal surgeon is called in to operate on Locke? Who do ya think? Dr. Ana Lucia, of course. IslandVisions!

Kate is in the custody of Sawyer after having been read her Sonofabitch rights, and while they’re waiting for the Feds to come lose her again, Sawyer flirts with her, seems to remember her (visions!) and gets called out for letting her go at LAX when Kate realizes he must not have wanted anyone to know he was in Australia. Miles and Sawyer have to put the Kate matter on hold to go ambush Sayid in his home, as they’re the only two detectives in L.A., and manage to capture him instantly with the ol’ America’s Funniest Home Videos hose gag:

They were gonna have Sawyer kneel down behind Sayid’s knees and have Miles push him a little so he’d fall embarrassingly, but they played it by the book and went with the hosetrip. On the way to the police station, they also got him on a “homosaywhat?”

Elsewhere, Desmond is kicking his island matchmaking up another creepy notch, intentionally bumping into Claire at the Adoption Center And Also Ilana’s Legal Practice Building (named in honor of the philanthropist John Adoptioncenterandalsolana’slegalpractice) and tossing out his flimsiest story yet: He just so happens to be meeting a lawyer who owes him a favor and Claire is visiting an adoption agency with no one there and should meet his lawyer friend first to get some representation, even though this will make her miss the adoption agency appointment she was there for in the first place. She agrees, apparently unaware of this last obvious fact, and OH NO the lawyer is Ilana and she’s looking for Claire because Christian mentioned her in his will! Vis–wait not yet!

Jack arrives at the office building with his piano genius son, meets Claire for the first time, she’s gettin’ visions, he then gets called into the hospital to operate on Locke and now HE’S gettin’ visions!

Jack’s gettin’ visions, Sawyer’s gettin’ visions, Sun’s fine and she’s gettin’ visions, Vision from The Avengers is gettin’ royalties — things are visioning up nicely for the alternate reality.

So where do they go from here? Probably the island, I’m guessing, cause that’s the place in the show. There’s my analysis for the week.

On the plus side, everything is converging on both sides of the realitycoin, and the island is set up for a big time bloodbath next episode, so I’m confident my doghouse will soon be vacant. Then I could put a dog in it instead of a tv show, and then I’d have a dog, which is awesome. Good episode!

Episode thoughts? Theories? Questions? Predictions? Favorite/Least favorite parts? Leave ‘em all in the comments. Quiet comment board last week, Losties — only four episodes left, so speak now or forever hold your Lost. (My wedding vows)