LOST RECAP: The Candidate, For Spines And Jacobs

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The following is a Recap of Lost Season 6, Episode 14 entitled “The Candidate”, originally airing May 4, 2010. If you haven’t seen the episode, stop reading, cause this is full of mad spoilers, yo. No one says “mad” to mean “many” anymore? I guess I just mean the spoilers are angry then. What’s the new word the kids are sayin’ these days? “Asteroid”? Ok – this Recap is full of asteroid spoilers, yo.

ONE SPINE DAY

Locke awakens from getting run over by Desmond, and Happy Jack makes an important announcement:

“Congratulations, Mr. Locke, you are A CANDIDATE…

..

.

…For surgery! Not anything Jacob related. As a Lost doctor, bedside manner dictates that I pause for seven minutes in the middle of any sentence that could have symbolic double meanings before completing that sentence with the literal meaning.”

Locke respectfully declines, saying “No thanks, I wouldn’t wanna impose — it’s not that I’m punishing myself for crippling other family members, I’m just not a huge fan of having the ability to use half my limbs. Good day to you, sir!” “Hrrrm,” Jack wonders, “Most people I meet DO enjoy the ability to walk. I wonder what’s stuck in this guy’s walking craw?”

To get some answers, Jack first asks himself, “Which character hasn’t done anything in this reality yet? Daniels from The Wire? Oooh wait, how ’bout Bernard, his job’s kinda medicine related!” He approaches Bernard about the emergency oral surgery he performed on Locke after Locke’s dad peed on his teeth while he was lying unconscious, and Bernard recognizes Jack from the Oceanic flight, saying “You’re the guy who was hitting on my wife when I was in the bathroom.” Jack’s like, “I’ve done absolutely everything wrong ever, but that is one thing I was definitely not doing.” A skeptical Bernard replies “While I can’t breach doctor/patient confidentiality, I can tell you to go visit his meaningfully crippled dad Anthony in a nursing home, revealing the event which permanently scarred Locke. But that is ALL I can do for you.”

After the jump, spinal surgery gets a Dikembe-Mutombo style rejection, and there’s no eating fresh on this Sub-way! [Note To Self: Retire from writing after this sentence]

Jack arrives at the nursing home and pleads with Helen to see Anthony, and when he finally does, he realizes that Locke’s dad is completely paralyzed and unable to speak or react, and exclaims into his face “Well this was a big bust!” Looks like we got ourselves another flash-sideways Opposite Day: In this reality, Locke took his loving father on a flight with him and permanently crippled himself and his father even worse, and regrets it every day of his life. In the old reality, though, Locke’s dad very intentionally crippled Locke, then showed the opposite of remorse when he threw an “I Crippled My Son” party and used Locke’s wheelchair to cart around the keg. Moral of the story: If you don’t want to end up crippled in your reality, be a conniving a-hole and push your son out a window – The More You Lost.

Now understanding the surgery decline, Jack confronts Locke and whines “How come you still get to feel super guilty about your dad but I have to let my dad go? It’s not faiww! I want to perform cool science surgery on you!” Locke continues to refuse the surgery, say bah humbug a lot, and rejects ice cream whenever it’s given to him. Jack concludes their interaction with a barrage of Lost catchphrases, telling Locke “What happened happened” [Ding!] and “I wish you’d believed me” [Ding!] and “Makin’ copieeeees!” [Ding!] Locke ultimately leaves the conversation, but hearing his own island-words thrown back at him seems to resonate just a tad. Are you thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’? Just mayyyyybeeeeee…….

Most likely, judging by Locke’s unnaturally content greeting to Jack when he first wakes up from surgery and him talking to himself in his sleep about pushing buttons, he’s already had the island visions, but if they didn’t resonate with them then, they certainly do now. Next week, it’s time for crippled, ungrateful Locke to wheel himself up the ramp of APOLOGY.

But Jack couldn’t be right twice in one episode, could he….?

YOU DO KNOW JACK (WHICH IS WHY YOU DON’T TRUST HIM)

Meanwhile, on the island, Widmore’s goons force Sawyer and Co. back into the polar bear cages at gunpoint, but Sawyer decides “I ain’t no king of the arctic” and turns the gun back on ‘Dough Boy’, but Widmore quickly holds a gun to Kate and says he has no qualms shooting her because she’s not on the candidates list (she is, but she’s crossed out). Sawyer drops his gun and complies, and recognizing the cage as the one he and Kate got intimate in, he chivalrously volunteers to sleep on the wet spot.

Widmore tells Sawyer he’s doing this for their own good, which Sawyer doesn’t really believe, because every character on Lost says this after doing anything (Hurley only buried Nikki and Paulo for their own good). Team Locke arrives shortly, and the smoke monster kills the lead guard and scatters the rest, even though the guards all shoot at it with guns because shooting magical entities with bullets always works in sci-fi movies / horror movies / any movies / previous episodes of Lost.

Jack grabs the key, rescues the group, and leads them to the Ajira plane, but Locke is already there and shows them the bomb that Widmore allegedly wired the plane with, and says they’ll only be safe if they take the sub. Sawyer quickly agrees, but pulls Jack aside and says he doesn’t trust the giant evil murdering smoke monster, and asks Jack for one final favor: Don’t let Locke get on the sub. Jack agrees “You got it, I won’t let him eat a sub. Haha just kidding! I heard what you said, I won’t let him murder all of humanity.”

The group returns to the sub and Sawyer quickly takes it over, and as Jack and Locke walk towards the entrance with Locke failing to convince Jack to board, Jack acts out his brilliantly conceived plan and pushes the immortal magic smoke monster into the water and runs toward the sub. Suddenly, Kate is shot in the shoulder, and bullets rain down on the group from Widmore’s henchmen stationed all around the sub — aiming only for the non-candidates? — but everyone manages to board the sub with Claire and Locke left behind. They sail home unmolested and resume their lives and that’s the end of the series. LOST.

Uhoh! Looks like Locke took a page from the Spy vs. Spy school and slipped a bomb into Jack’s bag! Sayid begins to explain how to disarm the bomb, but Sawyer’s like “We ain’t got time fer that, Solutions” and pushes him out of the way, but before he does anything, Jack stops him with an explanation that actually makes sense: What if the immortal magic smoke monster actually set them up and wants them to pull the bomb wires because he needs them to kill each other, just as he needed Ben to kill Jacob, and needs all of them dead to leave the island?

Sawyer listens to Jack’s reasoning, then checks his trusty card:

Sawyer then brashly rips the wire out of the bomb, which freezes the countdown briefly because Locke wired the bomb really specifically to punk them for a couple seconds, but the countdown quickly resumes even faster, and before Jack can gloat about being right for the first time since he admitted he didn’t know anything anymore, Zombie Sayid grabs the bomb and runs several rooms away to save the candidates from the blast.

The bomb goes off, Sayid’s gone, Frank gets hit by a door, and the sub quickly begins filling up with water, leaving everyone to scramble and disagree about who should take who where and who shouldn’t leave who:

Hurley escapes with shot-but-doing-much-better Kate, then Sawyer gets knocked unconscious while helping to rescue Sun, and Jin convinces Jack to escape with Sawyer and leave him to fail at rescuing his wife.

Call me Captain Unromantic if you want — I will take pride in having achieved such a prestigiously unromantic Naval rank — but could Jin’s death have been any more senseless? YOU HAVE A FRICKIN’ DAUGHTER, DUDE. Isn’t raising your daughter more important than killing yourself needlessly to achieve tidy closure on your regrets for leaving Sun in the first place? Isn’t staying alive for the well-being of your child who’s never met you and is now motherless more important than dying in an idealistic faux-Titanic pose next to your suffocating wife (who lied to you and cheated on you and pretty much had stopped loving you before the island thing)? Not to mention staying alive to help your friends and keep the frickin’ devil from eating the universe? The only thing that’s LOST here is Jin’s marbles! That review is going on the Lost marquee, if they ever release Lost in old timey movie theaters.

If you’re counting, that’s Sayid, Jin and Sun all down in one episode, and possibly Frank, meaning that this score will have to be settled by all white people — the way it should be, am I right white people?? Tricked you! If you clapped you’re Hitler. Found you, Hitler! Thought you could hide out forever reading pop culture blogs, didn’t you? I knew if I wrote this Lost crap long enough, it’d provide some shred of value to someone at some point.

In the end, Jack, Sawyer, Hurley, and noncandidate Kate escape the sub alive, striking the list of remaining candidates down to three (though really, as predictable as it could’ve been from day one, Jack appears to be the only one in line to replace Jacob. But maybe it’ll be Hurley! It will not be Hurley.)

The episode concludes with Locke acknowledging the sub has sank, but knowing in his magical bones that some of the candidates are still alive. Claire asks him where he’s going, and he ominously answers “To finish what I started.” LOST. Well, we knew that. It’s not really an episode-ending cliffhanger, and we did just witness three major characters all die in a row, so the episode closer was only like 60th percentile of episode craziness. But it was an exceptionally crazy episode, so we’ll grade on a crazy curve (crazurve). A!

LOSTDS AND ENDS

– What’s the deal with Claire’s music box that she inherited from her father, and why did she have to show it to Jack? This series better not conclude with an ominous music box scene, or it’s getting the biggest “Phantom of the Opera did it!” in the history of “[BLANK] did it!”s.

– Does the Smoke Monster showing his hand imply that Charles Widmore is, in fact, acting in the right here? Or are his intentions also unpure? Hard to imagine he’ll just defeat the Smoke Monster and be like “We did it!” [high fives Jack, freeze, Kenny Loggins "Lost" theme kicks in, credits]

– Who will Claire ultimately side with? Most likely, I foresee her dying a valiant death, a la Sayid, and Kate vowing that she’ll raise her baby and Claire tearfully agreeing this time. Hopefully Kate doesn’t die too, or there’ll just be a bunch of Lost babies crawling around Los Angeles unsupervised. Spin-off!

– Next Week On Lost: A bunch of footage from the Season 5 finale. Clip show!!! I hope it’s Christmas themed.

“The Candidate” episode thoughts?Theories? Questions? Sayid / Jin / Sun death reactions? Frank / music box predictions? Only three episodes left, so comment now or forever hold your Lostpeace.