My Mother Recaps The Real Housewives: “I’m Speechless”

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This week’s Real Housewives of New York was explosive, shocking and utterly entertaining television. As a result, my Mother Judy was practically foaming at the mouth with vitriol and spite.

But before we take a stroll down “Mom’s Ramblings Lane,” let’s go over what, exactly, happened last night:

Luann de Lesseps, officially my least favorite, had a charity function at Sonja Morgan’s house, which laid the ground-work for the upcoming Alex McCord/Jill Zarin showdown. Luann, who insists on sticking her sinewy foot in all of Jill’s business, called Alex out for her behavior last week in delivering Bethenny Frankel’s message to Jill. Just when Alex goes to apologize, Jill shuts her down. Later, at Kelly Bensimmon’s party, Jill was all of a sudden very friendly with everyone. Side note: Luann shows up with a guy named Court, though he leans more towards Voldemort. Ramona is renewing her vows. Meanwhile, Bethenny Frenkel’s father passed away after finally agreeing to see his daughter. And therefore, all hell breaks loose between Jill and Alex at a stark downtown dinner party. It is… beyond amazing.

As per tradition, I phoned my mother in between commercial breaks to get her thoughts on the episode. Here they are.

On Jill’s Behavior, Early On in the Episode:

Well let me tell you: Jill, I have to say, I’m from day to day hating her more and more. This girl… did you see when she all of a sudden kissed Alex? She’s schizophrenic! She’s a sick, ugly… what was that hubcap on her neck at the beginning? Looks like a big frigging hubcap. She’s an absolute lowlife. I’m in shock. Here is a girl who wrote a book about Jewish wisdom and is acting in the worst possible way. All of a sudden she’s crying after Bethenny? I would be ashamed – even if deep down I was thinking of her – I would be ashamed of admitting this in front of my girlfriends.

And the only who is an even a bigger snake is Luann. (Recap continues ahead, along with video that you don’t want to miss. I mean do. You will want to miss this.)

Luann, who goes to Alex that we should support them, this double agent, she is on Jill’s side! But any minute Jill is on the outs with all of them. I’m so happy that Luann’s husband dumped her, you have no idea. Good. I only hope he’d take the title away with him. Despicable. I can’t believe – and that poor Alex! The only one that has some class. She and Bethenny ended up being my favorites.

Ramona The Mensch:

I have to really compliment Ramona. With the Bethenney call. A mensch. Every now and again she comes through, and she just now showed her mensch side. In the meshuggeneh eyes, there lurks a mensch. I’m so proud of her. And another thing: She raised a beautiful daughter. Such a sweet girl, nothing stuck up about her, no obnoxiousness. A polite, sweet girl, my hats down to her seriously. Because you have the children of these wealthy people who just act with an entitlement and not her. I really like her.

And What About That Dress?

Well, let me tell you, it reminded me of Grandma’s dress that she wore to my wedding. I liked the dress but not the feathers. She looked pretty she has a great figure. She looked pretty and she’s very normal today. I think the Prozac is kicking in.

On Luann’s New Man:

I only hope that he screws her and dumps her. This is like what you call a Desperate Contessa. There was onetime a movie the “Barefoot Contessa.” She’s the Desperate Countess.

Sonja, Model Citizen:

What about the way that that other old alta cocker bitch (Sonja) is coming down the steps like this is Gone with the Wind? Did you see, she constantly says ‘My pooch, my pooch!’ AGAIN! You know what? Your dress was so short your pooch was hanging out.

She came down those steps like Scarlett O’Hara. Wait, listen: Scarlett O’Chara! (Ed. Note: Chara is Hebrew for sh*t.) That should be the name of her new book! Big big hit in Dubai. (Hysterical unhinged laughing) This is the funniest. Oh my godddd! That is so…! I’m going to print t-shirts with Scarlett O’Chara.

And when that Sonja was talking at the Four Seasons about how she came from upstate New York and she was a model. What was she on the cover of… Witches Digest? (Ed. Note: Good one Mom.) The girl looks like a witch! The girl looks like a f*ckin witch. And she’s like 5’6” or something.

Kelly’s, Like, An Editor, OK?

It’s interesting that she says “like” and yet she was the editor of a big magazine. Did the editor have an editor I wonder? I hate when people say like and I know. ‘You know?’ No, if I would know I wouldn’t ask you.

On Jill’s Ramona-Induced Pantry Tantrum:

I have a feeling I’m telling you, and I’ve said it for weeks, this Jill is a sick, sick human being. Believe me if I tell you. This has to be a sick mind. You cannot bust on everybody! At one point you have to say ‘Let me muster the little bit of dignity that I’m left with not only in front of my friends but in front of my cameras, and act like a mench.’

‘Yes I heard from Ramona, I’m so sorry that your father passed away.’ She has to call her at 6 AM? Who the hell is this sick f*ck?! And that Luann and Mr. Ed (Kelly) running after her and appeasing her. What do you think, Luann doesn’t see what a lowlife she is? The girl that wrote the big etiquette book? What a bunch of f*cking phonies. I spit on all of them. In my life, I’ve never heard anything like it. Not with women this age.

2 weeks in a row that Ramona comes out like the only normal one there. And that’s a shocker right there.

I have no words. I literally… I’m in shock. And all of them are knocking poor Ramona! She just came to say that her father passed away! And who the hell is this Jill?! Do all these women have to crow around her and defend her? What do they have to defend her from? I hope they look at her now and are all ashamed.

Luann is a pig. A PIG. No wonder her husband left her. Every day I say “I’m happy her husband left her.” And Jill saying that 17 years isn’t a milestone? People sometimes renew their vows after 2 years! Do you see anything wrong with it? Me and Daddy renewed after 6 months! First in New York and then again in Israel. (Ed. Note: My parents had 2 weddings. One in City Hall in New York, Carrie Bradshaw style, and then a big Jewish blow-out wedding in Israel.)

After The Epic Fight Between Jill and Alex…

Let me tell you something.. I’m speechless.

I have more respect for Danielle from New Jersey (Ed. Note: A prostitution whore) than for Jill. Jill is showing in every episode that she is an immature, bickering, miserable yente. That’s what she is. Am I wrong Mel?

Dad: No.

Mom: I’m not wrong. A bickering, a sh*t stirer, and a mean person. When Alex called her a mean girl? She is a mean, bitter, disgusting human being. And I only hope she converts. Because we can’t have another nasty Jew, seriously.

And how she has no shame! Which shows you what a lowlife she is. I would be embarrassed to fight with everyone in front of her friends. She wouldn’t make up with Bethenny! She thought she was the high and mighty! Now she’s fighting with everyone! Alex, Ramona… Disgusting human being. I can’t look at her. On top of which she got so ugly. Every episode to me, she looks like a bald eagle. Put a bald eagle next to Jill: Separated at birth. And I have no words. I have no words. I can’t believe that that sweet Bobby is married to that bitter ugly dog. Really, a lovely, lovely man. But with everybody. And really! She doesn’t let anybody talk. A smug… I only hope that nobody bought her f*cking book.

Last week, Alex was on the Andy Cohen show — I love Andy — and they gave him boxer shorts that said “It’s in the book.” Jill was on a few weeks ago with her Mom, and every question people were asking her, they would say “It’s in the book” Millions of people write books. They’ll tell you stories from the book. Not this bitch. “You wanna know the answer, it’s in the book!” I only hope nobody wanted to read what’s in the book. A disgusting human being. And she has bad taste in outfits. I never saw a pretty outfit on her. And the hubcap she was wearing at the beginning, it had to weigh a ton.

**THE END**

What were your thoughts on last night’s epic Real Housewives of New York episode? Was my Mom way off base? Or, as we all know, completely on point?

BONUS!! Look what we have to look forward to next week… DINOSAUR MAKEOUT!!

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