WORST FEAR: Elvis Presley Died With a 9 Foot Long Colon

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Oh lord, someone, bring me a 10-gallon hat full of coffee, a pack of ciggs and an undisturbed 5 or so hours. Because after finding out that Elvis Presley died of constipation, I cannot be too careful. That’s right: Something as small and ladylike as a Correctol could have saved Elvis’ life.

He suffered from a disease I will not spend the rest of my life fearing: Bowel Paralysis. His colon was 9 feet long. 9 f**king feet long! Do you have any idea how long that is? No? Allow us to demonstrate. It’s the very same length as the World’s Longest Challah Loaf:

Here is what Elvis’ personal doctor had to say about it, via the article which is a must read for anyone as obsessed with regularity as I am:

The constipation upset him quite a bit because Elvis thought that he could handle almost anything, he thought he was really a man’s man and he wasn’t going to let something like this … he thought that this was a sign of weakness and he wasn’t going to be weak. And it’s not the kind of thing you table talk. Back in the ‘60s and ‘70s you didn’t talk about constipation much, you didn’t’ hear people complaining about it, or saying what they did or how much trouble they had with it.

And Now, An Open Letter to 2010:

Activia Pong anyone?

Link thanks to John Roberts.